Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

(via Elite Linens)

After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Elementary School Solves Bullying Issue by Asking “Effeminate Boys” to Stay at Home

Evanston’s Campbell Elementary School today announced a new policy which asks all “effeminate boys” to stay at home to avoid being bullied. The announcement comes on the heels of a North Carolina school banning a student from wearing a “My Little Pony” backpack to prevent further harassment in school. The policy is a result of a wave of bullying at the school, which peaked when fourth-grader Will Paige was given an atomic wedgie after being discovered listening to Taylor Swift in the locker room.

“That kid brought it on himself, you know?” said Principal George Johnson. “Usually we try to reprimand bullies, but a guy listening to Taylor Swift alone? That’s irresistible for any bully. The best solution was to keep that girly stuff at home.”

Johnson said he hopes that his students

Northwestern Student Not Sure What Jacket to Wear

EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.

Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.

Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between

If Mother Nature Live-Tweeted the Past Week’s Weather

Students: La Macchina on Valentine’s Day “Armpit of Humanity”

EVANSTON, IL — Faced with an empty other half of the bed and a vomit-inducing hangover, sources confirmed that multiple

(via evanston.patch.com)

students could not in good conscience admit that they had an enjoyable time at La Macchina open bar night this Valentine’s Day.

Most students admitted that their night at La Macchina, a recently-opened Evanston restaurant/bar, was nothing but an empty symbol of their current love life, which consists of drunken booty calls and one-sided gazes across the table during their respective student group’s exec meetings.

Students revealed that

14 Signs You Live in Evanston

1. You’ve been through tougher winters than most of the people you know.

Evanston in the winter. Can you even recognize it?

2. You’re no stranger to all the great dining and shopping options Evanston’s downtown has to offer.

Don’t you love Downtown Evanston?

22 Things I’ve Learned So Far This Winter

(via Northwestern)

1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.

2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.

3. It may be time to accept the fact that

Letter to the editor, from the editors

Please reference Vitamin C for additional ambiance:

Sometimes you start a blog your freshman year just for the hell of it. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, that blog grows in to one of the most important facets of your life, picking up over 50 additional writers along the way and garnering thousands of readers who, for some godforsaken reason, seem to enjoy our heinous publication.

Three years ago, I started Sherman Ave with the idea of making a site devoted to the culture of Evanston and Chicago. Peter Stein and Sir Edward Twattingworth III came along not much later, and took things to a whole new level. The next year brought a new generation of Aviators, including Chandler Dutton, who immediately became one of the site’s most important writers, editors, and leaders.

A Love Lost: A girl, a coat, and an undying romance

To whom it may concern,

This is a story about a love lost. It’s a story about a girl and a coat and an undying romance. It’s a story of heartbreak and grieving and loneliness. But it’s also a story of hope.

It all began with the snowfall.  On one frigid day in October in the city of Evanston, Illinois I fell in love.  Not with a boy or a class or a book or a puppy, but with a coat. That morning, after the weather report showed a high of 30 and a 70% chance of snow, I unearthed my hefty, unscathed Canada Goose coat from deep inside my 3-foot-long dorm room dresser, threw it over my shoulders and stepped outside. From that moment on, my life was changed forever.