A Message to the Northwestern Student on Finals’ Week

Halfway through a shot of Everclear, I stared into the abyss of a party and watched as a group of stressed, overworked students went balls-to-the-wall for one last Saturday night before bunkering down the next day to study for finals.

It was a curious night. Yes, there were some couples dabbling in the art of rigorous over-the-pants hand jobs on the dance floor. Yes, there was a girl who

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: What College Girls Tell Their Gay Friends About Boys

Recently, there has been some general concern amongst my friends with lady parts—a coup d’etat, or coup d’twat if you will—about the tactics and methods college boys use to woo them. As one of their trusted gays, I have an insider look at what college girls say about college guys. We queer men understand first hand that any man with sexual desire is inherently a terrible person. But, I am a forgiving soul, so I have compiled some insider tips on how to marginally improve guy/girl relations. Because let’s be real: girls just want guys to flirt with them in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they need to drink Liquid Plumber to put an end to their fucking misery.

Why Northwestern Should’ve Been Named America’s Top Party School

The Princeton Review is out this week with their annual ranking of America’s top party schools, and once again they’ve really fucked this thing up in every way imaginable. IOWA?! IOWA?!?! Come oonnnnnn, that’s like listing Everclear as the #1 party drink. Sure, it has the highest alcohol content, but if your party has only Everclear, everyone dies and/or goes home sad. Just like Iowa.

But where the Princeton Review really missed the mark was in not even putting Northwestern on the list. And the more I think about it, the obviouser more obvious it becomes that NU should be named the top party school

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Libations at NU

What most intoxicated freshmen look like to us.

So you’re going off to NU this fall, eh? You like to party hard? NO YOU DON’T, HIGH SCHOOLER. Now that we have that aside, let me be your tour guide around the beautiful bar that is the NU campus.

BEER
No shit you’re going to find beer. What did you expect? Prepare for keg beer, Keystone Light, Busch Light, and PBR galore. Occasionally you’ll find something else, but don’t get excited. For the love of God, please do not drink the bottles if you find any in a fridge! That shit is stealing and is uncool. Be thankful enough that NU’s frats don’t charge like asshole state schools. We’re nice like that. Don’t trash the place.