The Northwestern Bucket List: A Beginner’s Guide

1. Skinny dip in Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan at Night…SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

You know that scene in a lot of horror movies when the attractive and racially diverse group of rambunctious friends goes to a beach house or a remote cottage near a lake and the two who have the most sexual tension decide to go off alone and go skinny dipping?  And the girl maybe does a striptease and the guy maybe will say something like “you’ve got a killer body” and this is supposed to simultaneously showcase their sinful lust while foreshadowing the impending doom that they deserve as immoral sex-demons.  And then the swamp monster(s)/psycho nerd they once picked on/contrived Final Destination scenario eventually kills them, maybe while they’re playing a sexy game of Marco Polo or something?  Yeah, that totally won’t happen to you.

Clubs that Should Exist at Northwestern

There are a lot of clubs at Northwestern. That’s no news. You’re interested in global health? Good for you, man, we’ve got a club for that. Like to pretend you play wizard sports? Well damn, homey, we got that too. You like to raise money and then dance for 30 hours for… some… reason? We do that too?

But there are a lot of unexplored frontiers people.

And because I’m a good friend, I’m going to open these frontiers to you. I’d start them myself, but when I decided to write for a blog where a fellow author has the word “Vandernips” in his title, I permanently barred myself from the realm of respectable employment. So I figure the leadership experience will pad your resume more than mine. Without further ado, here are some clubs that should exist at NU.

1) Snack Club

Want to know why I go to clubs? Snacks. I’ll just snack all day. Fruit snacks, granola snacks, candy snacks – man, I don’t give a fuck. I just want to eat something that exists outside of the traditional food pyramid. I figure this club would cut out the middle man. We wouldn’t have to pretend to care about global issues, or, for that matter local ones. We don’t have to pretend that we share a common interest, and, best of all, we sure as shit don’t have to do any paperwork. I have literally zero doubt that this would be the most popular club on campus.

NSFW:  Fruit snacks, baby, you got no idea what you’re doing to me

2) Disagreement Club

First off, let me clarify: disagreement club is designed to be unpleasant. No one will ever leave this place in a good mood. But if Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that people love to yell at other people more than they hate to be yelled at and realized that they can’t change anyone’s mind. My idea for disagreement club is simple. You’ll have a bunch of people show up in a room. And then you’ll have the club president (who was elected in one hell of a contested election) shout something about abortion, or taxes. Then you just let people go CRAZY. It’ll be like Fight Club, except everyone gets to be an unreliable narrator.

3) White Protestant Heritage Club

Wait. This is a country club. Whoops. Everyone to Deering.

Seen here dressed in their traditional garb, performing a classic ritual to please their dark God “Romney”

4) National Association of Academic Excellence

This is a club that will have one meeting. In that meeting everyone will be elected president and added to the snack club listserv.