Tag Archives: film

Forget Disney’s “Frozen”; Watch “Foodfight!”

29 Apr

It doesn’t take a whole lot of searching to see that college-aged students love children’s animated films. Scroll down your Facebook newsfeed on a given day, and you’re bound to stumble upon some turkey posting the results from his/her insipid “Which Character From Disney’s Frozen Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz. (Hint: You are none of them, because they aren’t real.)

The cross-generational appeal and monster success of a film like Frozen is actually pretty easy to parse out when you think about it: The movie tells a simple story, with a message devoid of the cynicism or irony that plagues so much of pop culture today; the visuals are crisp and look great on your new HD TV; some of the songs are actually kind of catchy, to the point of being grating.

Strange, then, that all of these qualities are noticeably absent from the far superior film Foodfight!, which stands as one of the greatest children’s entertainments ever spawned by the Hollywood-Industrial Complex. Ignore the movie’s 2.5 out of 10 rating on IMDB, because IMDB is run by a bunch of knuckle-dragging dinguses who wouldn’t know true art if it took a hot, meaty dump on their front porch.

Reportedly made on a budget of forty-five million US dollars, Foodfight! stars Continue reading

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Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition

16 Apr
Look at me I'm so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come.

Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]

Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.

Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer

Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?

Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam: Continue reading

The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

29 Jan

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

Continue reading

“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

19 Jan

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

Her Spike Jonze Love Story

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

2014 Oscar Nominee Predictions

15 Jan

Best Picture:

Oscar

(via oscars.org)

The Wolf of Wall Street

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s fuckin’ Scorsese.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Movies involving quaaludes historically do not get nominated for Best Picture (Sorry, Almost Famous, for bringing back bad memories).

Her

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the first movie that has made technology sexy since Bicentennial Man.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Those high-waisted pants.

The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the Citizen Kane of caveman based animated films.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s the only near lock on this list.

42

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy owes it to the number community.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The nominations are announced too close to MLK Day, so it won’t be nominated to avoid confusion between the two African American heroes.

Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: Michael Bay has threatened to give swirlies to every member of The Academy.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season.

R.I.P.D

Could Be Nominated Because: That sweet Macklemore song in the trailer.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Jeff Bridges has exhausted every bit of good will The Academy has given him.

Last Vegas

Could Be Nominated Because: Each of the lead actors gives the best performance of their careers.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Old men are gross.

47 Ronin

Could Be Nominated Because: The trailer looked kind of cool.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s a terrible movie.

Grudge Match

Could Be Nominated Because: Answers the age old questions of “What if they made Rocky Balboa but hilarious?”

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It was written by the guy who created Entourage.

Best Director:

Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy think the famous tough guy actor has resurrected from the dead and directed a film.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Academy found out that it was just some dude and not the famous tough guy actor who has resurrected from the dead.

Michael Bay – Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: See above

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bullying is a huge issue in America.

Tyler Perry – Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s due.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Years of shoving Madea down our throats.

Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders – The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the best movie of the year.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No chance in hell.

Roman Coppola – A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

Could Be Nominated Because: Every decade a new Coppola has to be nominated for Best Director.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Sofia Coppola threw a shit fit when Roman was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, and The Academy does not want that again.

Best Actor:

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally got to see what we wanted all these years: A candle up Leo’s ass.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Not enough cocaine abuse.

Nicolas Cage in The Croods as Grug Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: It was a vocal tour de force.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M

Chadwick Boseman in 42 as Jackie Robinson

Could Be Nominated Because: To anger and confuse 12 Years a Slave fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: All of the voters were big fans of the New York Giants.

Arjun Kapoor in Aurangzeb as Ajay / Vishal

Could Be Nominated Because: I guess he was good.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Full disclosure: We copied and pasted the wrong guy and movie.

Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs

Could Be Nominated Because: The telecast needs to bring in the 17 year old girl with bad taste in men demographic.

Won’t Be Nominated Because:  We’re not 100% sure that Jobs actually was a real movie.

Best Actress:

Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5 as Jody Sanders

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally get to see a good role for a woman.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: There’s no any performance in this film could live up to Anna Faris’ in Scary Movie 4.

Amy Adams in American Hustle as Sydney Prosser

Could Be Nominated Because: All that side boob.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Hey! Pick an accent!

Sandra Bullock in Gravity as Dr. Ryan Stone

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy likes seeing a woman in peril.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Ryan Stone is a boys name.

Sarah Wright in 21 & Over as Nicole

Could Be Nominated Because: She holds her own next to the legend, Miles Teller.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one knew this movie has a woman in it.

Emma Stone in The Croods as Eep Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: The Croods can not be stopped.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617MBLj9MSE

Best Supporting Actor:

RZA in G.I Joe: Retaliation as Blind Master

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy snubbed him for his lived-in performance in Funny People.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Kodak Theatre does not has enough seats for the entire Wu-Tang Clan.

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips as Abduwali Muse

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s a first time nominee who delivered a smashing performance.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Some of the older voters think that he was a real Somali pirate.

Rob Schneider in InAPPropriate Comedy as Psychologist

Could Be Nominated Because: Hollywood needs to keep this comedy legend relevant.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Vince “The ShamWow Guy” directed this movie.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon

Could Be Nominated Because: Many of the voters are huge 30 Seconds to Mars fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: This  movie wasn’t as good as Tootsie

Ryan Reynolds in The Croods as Guy

Could Be Nominated Because: He had a huge year with both R.I.P.D and The Croods being released and critically lauded.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAI67yP1K0

Best Supporting Actress:

Oprah Winfrey in The Butler as Gloria Gaines

Could Be Nominated Because: The middle aged housewife voting block of The Academy is strong.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one gave a shit about this film.

Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor as Ava

Could Be Nominated Because: Bound 2 video

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bound 3 video

June Squibb in Nebraska as Kate Grant

Could Be Nominated Because: She had an affair with the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Cheryl Boone Isaacs

Won’t Be Nominated Because: TMZ reports that Squibb broke it off with Cheryl Boone Isaacs recently due to a “cunnilingus incident.”

Heather Graham in The Hangover Part III as Jade

Could Be Nominated Because: She can finally receive recognition for being the moral center of the Hangover series.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: I’m pretty sure no member of The Academy saw this movie.

C. C. H. Pounder in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones as Madame Dorothea

Could Be Nominated Because: I mean, it’s a pretty funny name to say. Just imagine her name being said during the telecast and try not to chuckle.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: She has yet to reveal what C.C.H means. And until she does SHE WILL WATCH THE OSCAR TELECAST FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names

12 Dec

Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.

I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”

Continue reading

A Guide to August Blockbusters Based Solely On The Movie Posters

31 Jul

Summer is, by far, the best season for movies.  After all, can you think of a better way to enjoy sunny, beautiful weather than by sitting in a dark room for several hours while watching other people doing things on a giant screen? No, you can’t! Since I live in LA — and thus know more about movies than anybody else in the world — I figured I would save you the trouble of researching what movies you will see this August by providing you with a brief premise for each of the big blockbusters coming soon to a masturbation den theater near you! While I haven’t actually seen any of these movies, I HAVE seen their posters, and so I can totally give a 100% accurate synopsis. Continue reading

3 Images From 90’s Cartoons That Prove We Are The Most F*cked Up Generation In History

16 Jul

Everyone claims that their generation had the best of everything. My parents claim that they had the best music (they didn’t), and my grandparents claim they had the best wartime draft (they did). However, one thing the 90’s can definitely stake a claim to is the most disturbing cartoon. Seriously, just about every cartoon that aired in the 90’s could have single-handedly created an entire generation of unbalanced psychotics. In fact, I am fairly sure they did.  Continue reading

The Netflix Treatment: Which Other Shows Should Be Resurrected?

29 May

Arrested Development caused more of an uproar this weekend than an Apache-themed party at the Arizona capitol building, making every social media account the dumping ground for half-assed references to the banana stands and one-armed men. It’s nice to know that everyone can spoil the fun at the same time! Binge-watching is the new hip thing like moms in bell-bottom jeans or Hillary Duff’s clothing line at Kohl’s. It’s has the fun addictive properties of cocaine and the similar benefits of alienation from friends.

With Ronald Reagan out of the White House and his crack battle long over, there’s no stopping this infectious streaming disease. Plus Barry dug the shit out Continue reading

Sherman Ave Histories: The Lakefill

28 May

The Lakefill is an important part of Northwestern life. That’s why we have decided to bring you the unabridged and completely factually accurate 53-second history of it. Enjoy!

What is this, a fucking pamphlet telling me to go to NU?

Written by Cobra Lederham

Created by Cobra Lederham, Manua Hiki-Hiki