How To Fail Your Finals Gracefully: An Urgent Letter From Your Exceptionally Well-Prepared Classmates

Hey there. Hi. Yes, you.

You, the person we’ve never seen in this class before. You, the one who tried to cram 7 equations and 168 pages the night before (160 pages because you skipped the real-world example blurbs). Let us introduce ourselves.

We are the members of the class that make up that 100-level distro you thought would be easy but woops you forgot at Northwestern every class is weed-out.  You may not know this but we hang out a lot. Where ,you may ask? Only every single one of the professor’s office hour session, and we haven’t seen you at a single one. In fact, we can’t even remember seeing you at one of the professor’s intimate home-cooked dinner parties either.

Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.

From Wildkittens to Wildcougars: A GIF Journey from Freshman to Senior Year at Northwestern

Dear Class of 2017,

Three short years ago the class of 2014 shuffled at the pace of a dehydrated desert tortoise because everyone’s parents felt the need to take photos every five steps marched through the arch and commenced the drunk, sweaty adventure that was Wildcat Welcome 2010. In a few weeks, we’re really looking forward to sitting on our front porches, drinking beer that isn’t Busch Light, and watching you wander aimlessly as you try to find that awesome party near the corner of Maple and Simpson.