Translating Fancy Restaurant Menus

Don’t you hate it when you go to a fancy shmancy restaurantay and the menu is in a different fucking language? Never fear, Sherman Ave is here to translate that gibberish for you. We actually found that most restaurants don’t even know what they’re saying, either.

Oh, so THIS is what I ordered…

Jorawini-a classic dish consisting of a large, savory sausage stuffed with broiled spinach and mozzarella cheese grilled to perfection, seasoned with crushed red pepper and garlic.

~translation~

“You’re a weenie”-

Things The Man Doesn’t Tell You about Going Vegetarian

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY???

Hey kool kollege kid, want to check another cliché off your list? Already converted to Buddhism, studied abroad, went Greek, and pissed away your parents’ retirement funds playing 2048 instead of taking finals? Need something to mitigate the fears of your advancing alcoholism? Don’t worry, you don’t even have to move to save the world. You can literally eat fucktons of fries and be able to call yourself a hero. How? Skip the meat, become vegetarian, and BAM: you’re compassionate. Now go forth, and quote Finding Nemo un-ironically because ~fish are friends, not food~.

But wait[1], that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind coming from someone you should totally trust completely with all life decisions because internet:

Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

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Like donuts?  Are a donut?  Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!

 

 

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title:

A House-by-House Recap of Sorority Preview

House #1
PNM (Potential New Member): Oh man, am I excited for recruitment! Joining a sorority sure seems like a great way to meet new people and build strong support syst—OH GOD WHY ARE THEY ALL CHANTING, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO??

“ONE OF US. ONE OF US.”

House #2
Sorority Sister: So tell me about yourself?
PNM: OH GOD HOW DO I RESPOND??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH

House #3
PNM: So they keep calling these parties, where’s all the booze and boys? FUCK NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME TO PANHELLENIC AND SHUN ME FROM GREEK LIFE FOREVER

Living Off-Campus: How to Feed Yourself And Not Die

Freshmen, tragically still dorm-ridden sophomores—as any upperclassman knows, living off campus is awesome. Having your own place means no flip-flops in the shower and rolling around naked on all the furniture being naked in the places that your dictatorial Philistine of a roommate has designated “not super perverted or weird.” There is, however, a very dark downside to getting out of North Mid-Quads or whatever shithole you live in, and that is learning how to feed yourself. Yes, today you may curse Hinman’s batter fried Pollock, but oh, just you wait until you’re

Norris Replaces Subway With Troughs of “Food Slop”

Pictured: Slop from the “Rick Bayless” trough, which only costs an extra $4.75 per handful.

EVANSTON, Ill. — In a press conference earlier today, Norris Center’s executive director Kelly Schaefer announced that the student center has closed the recently opened Subway restaurant and replaced it with troughs of “food slop.”

“Over the past few weeks, we’ve received a massive influx of negative student feedback following the opening of a Subway restaurant in Norris Center to provide healthy dining options for students. In response to this radical response we’ve decided that you can all go

“Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels,” Reports Woman Who Eats Only Kale

SAN FRANCISCO — Local yoga instructor Carrie Kent was overheard today telling a friend that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” despite her not having eaten anything other than basically just kale in well over three years.

“People always say it’s hard to diet because they love food so much,” said Kent. “It’s just never made that much sense to me.  I love eating as much as the next person, but when I think about how much I want to look and feel good, it’s not hard for me to turn down the super flavorful and totally satisfying vegetables which have somehow comprised my entire diet for the last few years.”

Bartistics: Quantifying the Best Northwestern Bars

The next Keg?

Sherman Ave editor Evander Jones teamed up with food blog What I’m Eating for Lunch’s curator Jameson Bulwinkle to provide a comprehensive statistical analysis—or bartistical analysis, if you will—of the Evanston and Chicago bars most frequently frequented by Northwestern undergraduates. But first, an explanation of the bartistical categories analyzed by Evander and Jameson:

Yelp Rating: How many Yelp starts the bar received, out of a maximum potential of five.
Distance from the Arch: As estimated in walking distance by Google Something Maps.
Best Weekly Special: The best available special the bar offers on a day of the week.
VORN: Value Over Replacement Night. This bartistic measures how much more valuable the bar’s weekly special night is compared to a random night at the same bar given the same blood alcohol content. A VORN of 5.4, for instance, means that the bar’s weekly special night is 5.4 times better than a random non-special average night at the same bar.
Food, Ambiance, and Drinks: All subjective scores, out of a maximum of ten points, assigned by Evander and Jameson.
OoS: Odds of Scoring. What is the percentage chance of an average Northwestern student patron hooking up with another patron from the bar?
BPT: Biddies per Townie. What is the ratio of biddies to townies at the bar?
ABP: Average beer price. ABP’s with asterisks are actual average prices, not estimates.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else

Deering Forum

So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!

Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.

Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.