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Tag Archives: Frances Willard

The Official Guide To Fraternity Rush

7 Jan
You can be one them!

You can be one them!

Unaffiliated gentlemen, it’s once again the most wonderful time of the year: Frat rush. Despite what CollegeACB may say, we are totally not dirty geeds over here at The Ave. We are completely down with the T-F-M, and we’d like to use that knowledge to help you out as you attempt to get the biddiest of bids from the housiest of houses: Continue reading

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Sherman Ave Interviews: Gary Saul Morson

30 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III sat down with Professor Gary Saul Morson for an interview.  It was in Cosi. Everyone had fun.

He doesn't care, he loves it.

He doesn’t care, he loves it.

Twattingworth: Where are you from?

Morson:  New York.

Twattingworth: Oh.  I think it was Pushkin who called New York the “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”

Morson:  Oh come on.

Twattingworth: Is that an accurate description of your hometown?

Morson:  Pushkin never said any such thing.

Packingham:  It was either Pushkin or Jay-Z.  I understand you went to Yale?

Morson:  I did.

Packingham:  Is it weird being an alumnus of an institution that most of your students wanted to attend but weren’t smart enough? Continue reading

An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day

30 May
What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Dear Asshats,

As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.

Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.

We’ve killed people for less.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Res College Power Rankings

27 Jul

Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.

Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.

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10 American Historical Events That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

7 Jul

For those of you out there in blogosphere who aren’t familiar with the up-and-coming trend of “pregaming,” it is a term that refers to the act of consuming alcohol before any event; it could be a football game, a musical, or even a 250-student lecture. Unfortunately, this trend of pregaming has only become a common cultural activity in recent years. We must wonder: How would history have been changed if previous generations were clinical alcoholics like ours is? Here are the top ten historical events that would have been infinitely better had all parties involved drained several shots of Jose Cuervo beforehand.

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7 Movies That (sadly) Never Came to Fruition

6 Apr

As everybody knows, Hollywood is a restless hotbed of individual creativity. Unfortunately, some of the works of genius created by screenwriters never get turned into movies, a tragedy of the highest proportions. After extensive research, we have recently unearthed seven different scripts for movies that never quite made it to the box office, even though they totally should have.

7. Soul Patch

"That's the last flavor your chin will ever savor"

Apache Indian Harry Smoothface, tormented by the hair-owing realities of the modern world, finally has had enough. In order to wreak his revenge on American society (specifically targeting jazz musicians and TAs), Smoothface brutally scalps the soul patches from every victim he encounters. Starring Will Sampson (Chief Bromden from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), this movie would totally have grabbed you by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin. Screenplay written by Dan Wonk and Calvin Streit, the same creative masterminds behind the thriller Death Perception, an action movie about the adventures of a one-eyed hitman for the mafia. Also keep a look out for Soul Patch‘s sequel, Soul Patch 2: Back on the Patch.

6. Casablumpkin

"I'll make it easier for you. Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor."

1 man. 1 consenting woman. 1 toilet. What better way to start the beginning of a beautiful friendship? Set for filming in the early 50s, the thriller Casablumpkin combined action and romance to have you on the edge of your seat all night.

5. PROFESSOR BAILEY or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fucksaw
Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles of Professor Bailey, President Schapiro, Faith Kroll, appalled student #2, Sean Lavery, and the drilldo. Unfortunately, Kubrick decided at the last minute that Professor Bailey wasn’t nearly twisted enough, and proceeded to make the lighthearted romp A Clockwork Orange instead.

"Hell is other people."

4. Crime and Punishment
Production for this Michael Bay film, starring Mark Wahlberg as an impoverished BU student and Matt Damon as a corrupt Boston Cop, had nearly began until Bay found out that the script had already been written by some Russian asshole. Unfazed, Bay is reportedly in talks with French screenwriter Sartre for the naming rights to his next blockbuster film, No Exit, a film starring Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis as three wrongfully convicted felons trying to escape the Louisiana prison “L’enfer.”

Don't fuck with this suffragist

3. Breaking Baaaaaaaad
Smart and sexy international spy Frances Willard must infiltrate the stronghold of the evil Shepard Residential College and foil their nefarious plot for campus-wide domination. Guest starring Master Morson, Eleanor, CSOs Patrick and Joel, Katia Bowers, Taiyo Sogawa, Gabe Bergado, and Katie Chilton as Willard’s hearty gang of affable misfits who transform into one cohesive unit over the course of the film.

2. The Room II: Revenge of Johnny
Johnny’s ghost returns to San Francisco to torment all those who wronged him during his lifetime. Lisa is attacked with animated spoons, that one random drug dealer is brought to justice, and Mark learns football. The sequel died in pre-production due to concerns voiced by writer, director, producer, and main actor Tommy Wiseau that the plot was “too straightforward and logical.”

This flag means so much to so many people

1. Alpha Delta
Acclaimed director Alexander Waldman’s planned documentary delves into the layers of mystery surrounding the world’s most prestigious frority, in an attempt to determine how it evolved from a loose coalition of Northwestern friends into a social group that places its members in some of the most high-profile positions around the world. Learn more about its shadowy founders and leaders, and be shocked by the revelation of which contemporary figures belong to this badass institution (including a Congressman caught in the throes of a sex scandal, 3 New York Knicks cheerleaders, a professor at Harvard, 2 convicted art thiefs, and one People’s Sexiest Man 3 times running).