A Beginner’s Guide to Yik Yak

Hi, New User! Welcome to Yik Yak. We encourage you to read the following FAQs before dedicating hours of your day to our app. We also encourage heavy involvement: don’t be intimidated by successful top commenters like Yak Daniels, Miss Mary Yak, or Yak Yak City. With this guide, you’ll receive self-gratification within minutes of shitting on your school and peers.

Q: What’s fair game to make fun of?

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

The Most Disgusting Forms Of Animal Reproduction In Existence

Oh deer.

So, stud, you say you’ve done every sex act in Urbandictionary. But have you done every sex act on the Discovery Channel?

For you, dear reader, I have destroyed my Google search history. You’re welcome.

Wasp spider: Extreme Cockblocking

We’re all familiar with the knowledge that female spiders tend to ingest their lovers after coitus. However, the male wasp spider takes the cake for Most Masochistic Sex Act On This Earth: after sex, he “plugs” the female’s vagina by snapping his own penis off, ostensibly to prevent other potential mates from getting any.

Go The F♥ck to Class

Your TA is grading attendance-

Without it, you never shall pass.

You’re not hot enough to trade “O’s” for “A’s”

So go the fuck to class.

–

#GetFuckedVandy

Dear Vandy,

Get fucked.

Seriously. We mean it. From the 20 of us hanging around Evanston and the scores more waiting at home in Westchester for school to start, Wildcat nation would like to invite you to get fucked come this Saturday night.

Wipe that smile off your face and pay attention. We’re not talking about “getting fucked up,” so you can leave your Miller Chill and Croakies back with your Brad Paisley in that just-southern-enough-to-make-you-feel-uncomfortable city you call home.

No. Vandy, you’re going to get fucked so bad the University will have to change its nickname from the Commodores to the Rear Admirals.

When the lights come on at Ryan Field this weekend, prepare to get smoked by the Wildcats like it’s the U.S. News and World Report college rankings.

#SyracuseGotFucked

Don’t say we didn’t warn you when the Northwestern Stripes Wildcats roll through your defenses like General Sherman. I mean, let’s be honest here: Colter and Siemian are the most dangerous one-two combination the City of Nashville has faced since Major General George H. Thomas and Major General John Schofield kicked your ass in 1864.

Sure, Jordan Rodgers hooks up with Jordan Matthews more often than your frat brothers score with biddies in stupidly oversized hats. And yes, our defense has been known to Dukakis away a lead or two in the past. But at least our coach isn’t the biggest chauvinistic prick your school has produced since Jay Cutler, an impressive feat coming from a school like Vanderbilt.

When did being the doormat of the entire SEC allow for you to eschew all reason and presume you would not get entirely fucked this Saturday? If the robber baron founder of Vanderbilt University could conceivably win a douche-off against Northwestern’s genocide-apologist forebearer, is that really a good thing?

#GetFuckedVandy isn’t just a hashtag. It’s a promise. Venric Mark will annihilate you. Chi Chi Ariguzo will strangle you. Pat Fitzgerald will outman you and Kyle Prater will dickslap Al Gore just for good measure.

Get fucked Vandy.

Cordially,
Evander Jones

LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE to sign our petition to stop the Vanderbilt University Football Team’s brutal clubbing of baby seals.

Drinking at Northwestern

Last Friday, several Friends of the Ave were written up for drinking in the dorms by two CAs. To be fair, the students who were written up for underage possession of alcohol in the dorms were violating Northwestern’s Student Code of Conduct, and the CAs were simply doing their job by enforcing and executing the rules. But the recent incident highlights numerous fundamental problems with Northwestern’s alcohol policy, the role of CAs in dormitories, and the drinking culture in general at Northwestern University.

The main problem lies in a University alcohol policy that is utterly incapable of dealing with the exigent realities of student underage drinking. No matter how valorous the obliteration of underage drinking at Northwestern might seem, the harsh truth is that underage students who want to drink in college will drink in college. Considering the extraordinary amount of resources it would take for the University to annihilate underage drinking on campus, it stands to reason that Northwestern should alter its alcohol policy to focus on preventing and protecting students from the dangers of excessive drinking, instead of promoting a policy that fosters increasingly dangerous underage drinking practices and mistrustful student-CA relations.

As the policy stands, no student under the age of 21 can even be in the presence of alcohol on campus. Such an inflexible and intolerant policy forces students to either drink copious amounts in their locked rooms to hide from their CAs, or else head north to the Frats, where hedonism and free alcohol reign supreme. Both results pose exceedingly dangerous risks to student health. The policy promotes binge drinking by forcing students to hole up in their rooms with a handle of Smirnoff instead of moderately sipping on less-potent alcohol in the open, or else driving students to the Frats, where the only control on how much you drink is how long the line stretches.

Besides promoting binge drinking, the current NU alcohol policy also leaves students unprotected from the harmful effects of excessive drinking brought on by the policy in the first place. How can CAs monitor the health of the students they are supposed to be protecting if underage students are forced to lock their doors from CAs in order to drink? It is impossible for a CA to communicate with students in order to promote responsible drinking or provide necessary medical attention if the students are hidden from view or lost in the sweaty mass of human bodies in the basement of a Frat. Without a medical amnesty policy in place, students are at an even greater risk from excessive drinking.

One of the most frustrating aspects of the current policy is how little uniformity there is among how CAs choose to enforce the rules, considering the extent to which Northwestern relies on CAs to enforce its alcohol policy. Most CAs at NU do a fantastic job balancing their duties as enforcers, protectors, and positive role models. But so many different CAs have so many different ways of dealing with the alcohol policy that it is almost impossible to discern any sort of comprehensive campus-wide philosophy. On top of that, certain CAs, instead of upholding the Division of Student Affairs‘ requirement that CAs “exhibit a positive attitude and high level of personal integrity in order to serve as positive role models for their residents,” display exactly the base and dangerous behavior that they are supposed to guard against.

Underage drinking is the reality of life at Northwestern. Instead of promoting an ignorant policy that creates more problems than it corrects, the University must take steps to address the problems raised by underage drinking in a relevant and meaningful way. In order to promote responsible and healthy drinking, and diminish the destructive effects of binge-drinking, Northwestern should adopt a policy akin to Washington University’s “Open Door” policy, which allows for responsible drinking so long as a student’s door is open for a WashU RA. An “Open Door” concept allows for increased scrutiny for CAs, improved relations between CAs and students, and an overarching sense that, if you act like an adult, you should be treated like an adult. Another potential improvement to Northwestern’s drinking culture would be an on-campus bar, which would allow for the University to promote responsible drinking in a controlled area, a move that would also decrease the risk of evoking the ire of Evanston residents with loud conversations about bl**jobs.

According to President Schapiro, in an interview with North by Northwestern, “We all know prohibition doesn’t work… but I do think our campuses would be safer if we had an 18-year-old drinking age.” It is useless, not to mention dangerous, to continue adhering to the current policy. If, to quote the Northwestern University student handbook, “Rules are an organized set of principles designed and written for the common good, put forth by those who care for the community,” why hasn’t Northwestern University instituted a new alcohol policy written for the common good in order to benefit the common good?