Advertisements
Tag Archives: free

Four Things About Women All Guys Should Know

12 Nov

Dear men,
Someday, if you’re lucky, you might have a wife or girlfriend.* And there’s a lot you don’t know. Hell, you’ve barely found the clitoris.

Ignorance is a huge turn-off. How can a lady ever trust you to kill her spiders if you’re still terrified and confused by the dry cottonwads that inhabit women’s vaginas when your dick isn’t in there?

Continue reading

Advertisements

Welcome to the Culinary Dorm Corner

8 Jan

Welcome to the Culinary Dorm Corner, otherwise known as the place to which people will inevitably flock when they hear you have something free to eat.

Labor went into that. It’s not free.

Don't forget to butter up.

But you say you can’t cook? HAVE NO FEAR! The honorable Professor J. Reginald Vandernips is here to help. Be it a romantic time outside of the low-cost date-worthy-atmosphere of the Willard dining hall, or just a quick munchie between orgo and bio (Bless your heart), I’ve got you covered.

So let’s start with something low-key, easy as fuck, and FREE.

Let’s talk about the parfait. There’s a reason that the word “parfait” is French for “perfect.” We’ve got fruit, yogurt, granola, a possibility of ice cream… The cooking gods would be proud. So now you’ve got two options to work with: Healthy (fuck that, you’re in college) or Tasty.

We know what I’ll choose, so find a dining hall with a salad bar, soft serve machine, and a cereal station. Luckily for you, that’s everywhere! Just snag yourself a cup and head over to the yogurt or the soft serve. If you’re going to the ice cream, you’ll want to get vanilla, unless you’re one of those people that put chocolate on everything you can think of.

Basically you’re going to layer ice cream and/or yogurt with fruit from the salad bar (where the yogurt usually is also) and possibly the strawberry syrup from the ice cream section until you get to just under the top. Then head over to the cereal. You may not have your conventional Grape Nuts or granola (or Meusli, if you’re a pretentious fuck) so you can make do with barely crushed Cheerios (they’re an oat cereal anyway) or Captain Crunch.

What the fuck did you say about my cooking?

Chances are that you won’t be able to taste the cereal anyway. It’s just for the crunch.

Alternatively, when it comes to quick dining hall cup desserts you can go for the classic Coke/ Root Beer float. Load that shit up, grab a spoon, get to your table and make everyone jealous for your ingenuity.

Happy Eating!

10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave

18 Oct

Everything the sun touches will be yours

10. You want to get involved on campus.
Sherman Ave is a great way to get involved, because… well…
…okay, there’s a reason this is number ten. But it sure is a hell of a lot better way to get involved here at Northwestern than joining a group of peppy undergrads who sing a capella covers of Yellowcard.

9. You aren’t currently a writer on Sherman Ave.
Realistically, you aren’t content with that. Join us, and we will imbue your life with meaning and satisfaction.

Ross Packingham as a child

8. The lifestyle.
Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Except it would be more aptly described as alcohol, alcohol, and Bruce Springsteen. C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. So is some twat named Evander Jones.

7. You love Morty.
We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to write articles about it.

6. Pseudonyms.
Everyone secretly yearns for a secret identity. As a writer on Sherman Ave, you’ll get the chance to not only have a secret identity, but to have a secret identity that offends at least 85% of the global population.

Warning: All new Sherman Ave writers must first pledge their undying love and allegiance to Pippa before they can start writing

5. You’re unnecessarily attracted to Pippa Middleton.
Join the club, champ.

4. It’s free.
We live in a world where nearly everything costs money – barring, of course, happiness. And while money can’t buy happiness, being a writer on Sherman Ave can bring you relative happiness from the heinousness and despair you thrust upon others. And if that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your frigid heart, just think of all the slampieces you’ll bag as a writer for this blog (unless, of course, you first have to explain to her that you are the true identity of somebody named “Sir Edward Twattingworth III”).

3. You went to Lyons Township High School.
We don’t know what it is about that place, but they manage to crank out more atrocious individuals than Octo-Mom would if she were boinking Fred Phelps.

2. You came to our informational meeting.
It was at Burger King at 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. You wore a three-piece suit with a keyboard tie. We were visibly intoxicated. Don’t even try telling us you were just there for the food.

A graphical representation of the Sherman Ave community

1. The people.
Sherman Ave is an excellent group of people, who will do everything from drunkenly showing up to a house party dressed as John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe to beaning you in the cranium with freshly-picked apples. The people who aren’t us want to be us. And the people who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica.