Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing

Freshman Seminar: Weekly Response Haikus from a Student to her Professor

Week 1
Freshman in college
So hard to make friends; guess I’m
Just smarter than them

Comments: Adjusting to college can be tough. Drop by my office if you ever need to talk. Good use of a semicolon. –Professor Evans

Week 2
Far from home I meet
Someone who exposes me
To a whole new world

Comments: Glad to hear you’re having a better experience here. Also, avoid pop culture references in your writing; you’ll forget all about Jasmine and Aladdin once we study the Romantics! –Professor Evans

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018

AHHHHHHYEAAAAAAYYYYY YOU’RE GOING TO NERDWESTERN NORTHWESTERN NORTHWASTED !!!!!

Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.

And now,

It’s all paid off.

Point/Counterpoint: I’ve Decided to Stop Drinking vs. WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS?!?

Point

I’ve Decided To Stop Drinking

by Kevin Greenberg

I think I’ve reached my limit. It’s been a fun ride but it’s time the rubber hits the road and I curb my drinking. I know I’m going to miss going downtown on Saturdays and hanging with Greg on Thirsty Thursdays, but I just don’t have time for that kind of stuff anymore. I’m finishing up my senior year and I know it’s time to buckle down to make sure I’m ready to graduate and get a job.

The years really have flown by. One night you go to bed at 5 a.m., a freshman with nothing to lose, and the next morning you wake up at 8 a.m., a senior about to step into the real world. It really hits you hard.

Freshman Thrilled to see Hail for First Time

Wyn, prior to delving into the more intricate details of obtaining a medical marijuana license.

EVANSTON–An urgent 1845 Hinman suite conversation about where to find alcohol was derailed last Wednesday night by a Southern Californian freshman’s highly repetitive one-sided conversation about how he had lived his entire life without seeing the meteorological phenomenon known as a hail storm. The conversation would develop into a full-blown explanation of Californian culture.

The freshman student, Wyn Cohen, a native to La Jolla, California on San Diego’s north side, could not quite come to terms with how any individual–let alone greater Chicago’s six million people–could trade Midwestern weather for “California’s endless beach days.”

5 Tips for Suburban Kids Pretending to be from Chicago

As someone who was born and raised in Chicago (what up?!), it boils my blood that kids from the near suburbs claim that they are “from Chicago.” Just own up to the fact you are from Berwyn or Joliet or wherever, so I don’t have to rot your soul with my dirty looks. However, in the spirit of camaraderie I apparently have to feel toward other freshmen, I must look past these things, so I want to give you kids from the near suburbs (Sorry, Bourbonnais, you’re too far to make the cut) some tips on pretending to be from Chicago proper.

Learn to hate the people who love this

5 Things Sun Tzu Can Teach You About Freshman Year

1. Deception and Supplies

“All warfare is based on deception.” – Sun Tzu, Ancient Chinese General, 502 BC

Hey, quick – do you want to know how much a gallon of milk costs? About $5 dollars. And I’m sorry I told you that, because it’s something you shouldn’t have had to learn yet. The truth is this: 

From Wildkittens to Wildcougars: A GIF Journey from Freshman to Senior Year at Northwestern

Dear Class of 2017,

Three short years ago the class of 2014 shuffled at the pace of a dehydrated desert tortoise because everyone’s parents felt the need to take photos every five steps marched through the arch and commenced the drunk, sweaty adventure that was Wildcat Welcome 2010. In a few weeks, we’re really looking forward to sitting on our front porches, drinking beer that isn’t Busch Light, and watching you wander aimlessly as you try to find that awesome party near the corner of Maple and Simpson.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Managing Your Email

Remember when you set up your first email address?  You spent three weeks thinking of the perfect name, and another three weeks mourning when you discovered that batman@hotmail.com had already been taken by some douche who probably doesn’t even know who Professor Hugo Strange is.  You finally settled upon a name and password, cleverly lied to Hotmail and said you were 13 years old*, and next thing you knew, you had your very own email address. Hardly able to contain your excitement, you logged in immediately and

Freshman Attempts One-Month Hibernation Before Wildcat Welcome

Johannson, preparing his natural habitat.

WESTCHESTER, NY–Hoping to fight increasing boredom and decreasing self worth, incoming freshman Eric Johannson attempted to hibernate for one month, planning to wake up in time for Wildcat Welcome Week.

“I heard the dark month–you know, that month after everyone else leaves for school while you’re still stuck at home–is totally killer,” said Johannson, a week before the beginning of his hibernation. “I mean, what are you supposed to do, hang out with your parents? Yeah, ooookay.”