Student Calls Chicago “Chiberia;” Thinks He Is Clever, Trendy

Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.

“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is.  “When will winter end, right?”

The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter.  The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.

In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly

Five Reasons Why The People Who Smoke Your Weed Think You’re The Best

You’re the best. Like, the fucking greatest. You have no idea. However, your high friend – you know the one – has several ideas (only five of which are “Bring back the Oreo pizza”). Those ideas: all the reasons why you’re “dope as a mug.” We managed to record the most important ones here, so you know how “freaking great” you are.

Freshman Seminar: Weekly Response Haikus from a Student to her Professor

Week 1
Freshman in college
So hard to make friends; guess I’m
Just smarter than them

Comments: Adjusting to college can be tough. Drop by my office if you ever need to talk. Good use of a semicolon. –Professor Evans

Week 2
Far from home I meet
Someone who exposes me
To a whole new world

Comments: Glad to hear you’re having a better experience here. Also, avoid pop culture references in your writing; you’ll forget all about Jasmine and Aladdin once we study the Romantics! –Professor Evans

The 5 Types of People You’ll See at The One High School Party You Reluctantly Attended Over Break

You’re back in the warm bosom of your childhood home, and, as much as you’d like to curl up in a corner and revert to being the antisocial nerd you were in high school, you need to socialize… at some point. And shower. You really need to shower. Your best friend, being the great guy or gal that they are, isn’t going to let you spend this break hiding out with your cat. So here you are, a reluctant attendee at a party with all of the people from your high school you

Mental Health at NU

This wasn’t supposed to be a “reaction article.”

This was supposed to be encouragement to those suffering to get help, an attempt at reviewing resources, a guide for friends of sufferers and a plea to take care of each other. It’s been drafted and re-edited by countless sources for months now. It wasn’t supposed to be immediately relevant.

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday.

Sherman Ave Interviews: Renee Engeln-Maddox (Part 2 of 2)

Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters.  If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.

Read Part 1 here.

The professor who will forever be remembered as “the one who couldn’t remember twerk or flabongo.”

———————————————————————————–

Packingham: When someone asks you what courses you teach, do you ever just go, “Intro to SIIIIIIKE!” and punch them in the genitals?

[silence]

Renee: If I’d thought of it…

Twattingworth: Follow-up, will you start doing that now?

Renee: Do I have to punch them? Cause that could hurt my back. What about like a kick? Or a knee? And I’d have to do the “SIIIIIIKE!” better than that. You need to get the “IIIIIIIII” a little higher.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Living in Bobb

Not pictured: Gameday Morning Shots

HEY PARTY PEOPLE! For all the Wildkittens lucky enough to see “Bobb” or “McCulloch” on their housing assignment: congratulations and welcum to the good life.

Every freshman experiences a whirlwind of emotions when they get their housing assignment (Ayers CCI? Well that’s some shit). Regardless of whether or not you wanted to live in Bobb, you’re probably familiar with its reputation. So now you’re pissing yourself with excitement or fear. Or both.

The Top 20 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day at the Library

Follow this list until the Catholic guilt is too much to handle.

1. Read an article about religious sectarian violence on JSTOR
Curse like an Irishman every time Northwestern logs you out.

2. Do an Econometrics problem set
Congratulations! You’re receiving the education that eluded the 1/8th of your ancestors who endured brutal ethnocentrism in the streets of America!

3. Work on your 25-page paper you should have started in mid-February for your research seminar, “Gender and Sexuality during the Irish Potato Famine”
It’s only a matter of time until “Irish Studies” becomes an official major.

10 Special Skills You Might Have But Shouldn’t Put On Your Résumé

That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with not having a gag reflex.

1.  I have no gag reflex.  Sorry, but this skill will really only work in your favor in a few career paths.  One of those is in Quality Control for Chiquita.  The other is in the adult entertainment industry.  Potential third option: presidential aide circa 1997.

2.  I can complete the Flags Of The World quiz on Sporcle.  Congratulations, you might have a photographic memory.  Your career options are as follows:  Become Monk, become Professor Charles Xavier, or become Rain Man.  Maybe if you’re lucky, Washington D.C. will lose power for eternity and you can get a part-time job working 5 hours a year at the State Department.

3.  I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.  WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  YOU’RE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!  You have an unusually capable tongue.  So does my Basset Hound.  You should apply to be a Basset Hound!