Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

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Like donuts?  Are a donut?  Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!

 

 

An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation:

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Norris University Center

Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”

Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.

I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.

7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm

One Northwestern. One Shitshow.

In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.

1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.

David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera

“Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money.”

EVANSTON– ASG Presidential and Executive Vice Presidential candidates David Harris and Jo Lee were seen in Norris on Monday, interrogating any students who purchased chips and guacamole from Frontera Fresco.

“So, have you always hated B-status student groups?” Harris asked  one terrified freshman. “Or did you just decide that today was a nice day to tell new groups to go fuck themselves?”

Multiple students fled the lower level of Norris, Frontera in hand and tears in their eyes, as Harris yelled various insults at them.

Ernest Hemingway visits Frontera Fresco

I sat in Norris. Buzzer in hand, I waited for my Mexican fare from Rick Bayless’ Frontera Fresco.

I waited for my food and held my buzzer and sipped my Aqua Frescas and thought of the war. I thought of Pedro. Brave Pedro. The theater major next to me was tweeting about Beyoncé. 140 characters is far too long for a true man to express his passion.

It is cold outside, but I feel warm. The taste of Fresh-Made Jalepeño Cilantro Tortilla Chips reminds me of Pedro and Pedro’s men. In the mountains of Spain. Pedro, a brave man, a man of a man. Pedro and I, sipping wine out of the Franzia box in the mountains, waiting for death. Pedro cleaning his gun.

New Theme Restaurant to Open in Plex

Interrogation Rooms designed to feel just like EPD HQ.

EVANSTON — In response to revenue losses from the opening of Rick Bayless’ Frontera Fresco in the Norris University Center, Northwestern University food services, nuCuisine, will be opening a specialty restaurant inside Foster-Walker Complex.  The new restaurant, named “Third Degree,” is inspired by intense police dramas and will specialize in hard-boiled foods.  The Theme Restaurant is set to open by the end of January shortly after students return for winter quarter.

A Super Serious Restaurant Review of Frontera Fresco for Super Serious People

Does this count as a multicultural credit?

Frontera Fresco is the worst creperie cum Jamba Juice cum sushi hut cum Sbarro I have ever patronized. Let’s enjoy that imagery for a moment.

Anyway. Frontera Fresco is a new restaurant. In Norris Center. Owned by Chicago chef Rick Bayless. It serves “quick-service” (more on that later) Mexican food (also more on that later). To college students. And, presumably, the Norris cat lady. Here are some quick key facts that must be understood in order to appreciate the impact of Frontera Fresco on the Northwestern dining scene and community at large.

New Chipotle Opens in Student Center

EVANSTON – Students and employees of Northwestern University enthusiastically welcomed the opening of a Chipotle Mexican Grill franchise in the Norris Student Center this morning.

“The addition of a reasonably priced, popular Mexican restaurant – which I assume is just a fucking Chipotle – adds another dimension to the Norris experience,” explained Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro.