White Privilege Under Attack, Panic Sets In

A disillusioned Carmichael-Livingston, coming to grips with his crumbling hegemony.

UNITED STATES- As fewer white men hold positions of power and more statistics point to the increased role of minorities in the future of America, the long-standing foundation of white privilege appears to be in jeopardy.

These sudden realizations are terrifying white people across the country. Preston Carmichael-Livingston from Bethesda, Maryland is one of the many struggling to come to grips with the rapid descent of the entitlement of white people. “I just didn’t see this coming,” said Carmichael-Livingston. “I thought that we would get to decide when it all came to an end. We used to decide on everything: when racism was over, what women got to do with their bodies. Now? We’re left with nothing.”

College Student Posts Status in Support of Gay Marriage; Is True American Hero

Wilkinson’s tireless actions, she hopes, will make the world better for “all my really hot skinny male gay friends.”

EVANSTON, IL – Local student Jessica Wilkinson, who yesterday posted a Facebook status reading “GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN ILLINOIS!  Awesome day for this nation #GayRights”, is being hailed as the next great American civil rights visionary by peers and political pundits alike.

State of Illinois changes name to “Land of Twincoln”

Whole new meaning of “stovepipe.”

Chicago, Ill.–In what comes as a landmark event for the Midwest, sources have confirmed that the State of Illinois has officially decided to change its slogan to the “Land of Twincoln.”

“It just felt right,” explained Governor Pat Quinn. “The state is moving forward and this is just one of the many changes that will come with the progress we’re seeing.”

A Line-by-Line Analysis of Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”

Miley Cyrus, daughter of notable country star and probable redneck Billy Ray Cyrus, has long been an object of media scrutiny.  However, she has changed all of this with the release of her new video “We Can’t Stop.”  This video sets Miley apart, as she takes on subject matters rarely heard in pop music such as partying, and hooking up with others.  However, not all of us are smart and mature enough to understand Miley, because she’s really artsy and mature now and we just don’t understand her because she’s that fucking deep.  So as someone who took an english class once[1], I’ll do the service of explaining this magnificent song elucidating its meaning to those not capable of understanding.[2]

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]

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[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

President Obama supports gay marriage, and other obvious things

In an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced for the first time his public support for same-sex marriage. In other news: the sky is fucking blue, the Cubs are in last place and the Octomom is doing porn.

I mean, I get it. This is the first time a sitting President has come out in favor of not being a discriminatory poopyface. And I’m thrilled. This is a huge step for marriage equality in America and reminds us of the reason so many young people stopped watching pre-Octomom porn, got off their asses and voted for the man in 2008.

Obama’s position on gay marriage up until today.

But literally this is no surprise. He’s been “evolving” and “grappling” and “nakedly wrestling in a pool of Jello” with the issue for years, and I think we all know what that means. People generally don’t experiment with marriage equality then decide to come back to hetero-only ways. Once they’ve seen more fabulous pastures, no amount of praying or therapy is going to bring them back.

Now, there’s likely going to be considerable controversy and debate and discussion and BLAH FUCKING BLAH about this in the coming weeks. Which is stupid because B-Sizzle has honestly been going “Uh, I’m not sure on the gays getting all married. Seems like the kind of thing I’d support, because of logic and all, but maybe not. I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see, WINKEDY WINK WINK” since he was inaugurated. This isn’t really news. I mean it kind of is because of history but mainly it isn’t because of obvious.

You know what is closer to being news? The Log Cabin Republicans, a group of GOPers who favor gay rights and same-sex marriage and hate crime legislation and banning discrimination and seem to be unaware that there’s already a party with that platform, blasted Obreezy for his announcement. They called it “callous and offensive.” Which is actually what most people in favor of marriage equality call the existence of Rick Santorum.

We assume this is what the Log Cabin Republicans look like.

But I say “closer to being news” because even this isn’t news. I know it may seem newsworthy that a pro-gay rights group criticized the President for supporting their agenda, but it’s not. Because their name is four words long and the last one is “Republicans.” Which means they’re required by law to reflexively criticize everything Barry does (see: Osama-bin-Laden-killing, Libya-genocide-preventing). So even this isn’t news. KAYGR8.

Now, if these things are getting press coverage, then I want to formally request the media be present for all obvious events in my life. Passed out on the bus to a crush party? DIANE SAWYER BEST BE REPORTING LIVE. Couldn’t connect to the wireless at registration time? I WANT A TRIBUNE EXPOSE. Ate seven pieces of shitty pizza after I promised I’d only have one and then didn’t go to SPAC because I was still full from all the shitty pizza? WHERE THE FRICK IS RYAN SEACREST? Cried myself to sleep again? DON’T CARE IF IT’S EMBARRBARR I JUST WANT HUFFPO TO LINK TO A STORY ABOUT IT.

In summary, it’s great that B-Rock came out in support of letting all the gays get divorced too, but it’s not exactly on the same scale as if Mitt Romney ever doesn’t have an awkward interaction with one of the poors. This was expected. It was obvious. It was necessary but unsurprising. It was basically the Norris Food Court (or Willie’s as the cool kids call it) of political announcements. And it’s made me soooo in loooove with him again.