May Heinous Breakdown: Pabst Blue Ribbon Division

This is clearly the best possible use of everybody's time.

Yesterday, we unleashed the most heinous assault on history since the Cultural Revolution with Selection Sunday for May Heinous, our 32-team beer pong tournament featuring historical figures vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

To further inundate educate our readers on the first-round matchups, our writers have briefly skimmed Wikipedia tirelessly researched the opening round contenders to provide an extensive breakdown of each team of historical figures. We hope our bracketology aids you in your quest for the perfect bracket. Tonight: The Pabst Blue Ribbon Division.

He also hopes to distract opponents with his pronounced moose knuckle.

Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
Napoleon might be a quality partner, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a humongous temper and is paired with a pompous dickwaffle that won’t shut up about discovering the “new land,” which we interpret as the female body (let’s be real, Napolean isn’t tapping Sacagawea tonight).
Christopher Columbus is a Genoese asshole who thinks that just because you’re a celebrity means you get to sail your ship into any damn harbor. This bitch would love to colonize your room tonight, so don’t plan on sleeping in your own bed.
Strengths: Intimidation, Strategy
Weaknesses: General douchebaggery, bad tempers
Team Cohesiveness: 2/10
First-Round Opponents: Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

I refuse to play by the rules you have traditionally set to govern celeb shots.

Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
American pop-Art founder Andy Warhol really shouldn’t be in a beer pong tournament unless it involves nude models, Marilyn Monroe, and Campbell’s soup cans. I don’t suspect he’ll be any good at taking shots and he’ll probably refuse to conform to established norms regarding re-racks.  Beatnik writer Jack Kerouac, having played football at Columbia, might actually bring some amount of athleticism to this team, but will probably lose on purpose just so that he can drink himself into enough of a stupor to allow his suppressed homosexuality to come out. Watch out, Martin Luther!
Strengths: Kerouac’s athleticism, Warhol’s re-racks (who knows how to shoot a ping pong ball into a zebra shaped arrangement of cups?)
Weaknesses: A closeted gay man paired with a homosexual icon, Warhol’s supreme lack of athleticism
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

If he had the balls to pull off elephants, who knows what will happen on a redemption shot.

Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
While most claim that Sacagawea was a translator for Lewis and Clark and whatnot, we all know she was there as a sexual release (real talk). Hannibal is considered one of the greatest military strategists, but I can’t get past the fact that his name reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. In any case, this team is bound to accomplish some crazy shit. Hannibal is a boss and can strategize better than most other teams, while Sacagawea can use her long hair and Native American language to distract the other team. She can also throw gold dollar coins bearing her face at opponents (I’m sure those hurt). However, the language barrier may prove problematic when it comes to re-racking and shit-talking.
Strengths: Navigation, Elephants
Weaknesses: Communication, Avalanches
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Pongs pretty hard with his PIKE brothers on weekends.

General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
General George McClellan was a sub-par general who tried to oppose Lincoln in an election.  Who the fuck does that?! Margaret Sanger established Planned Parenthood and was a birth control activist (SUCK IT, RUSH LIMBAUGH!). Things for this team could go either way. McClellan surely won’t bring much to the table, yet Sanger is a boss and could potentially put the team on her back.  McClellan can’t really think on his feet, and often receives criticism for not utilizing every shot he’s allowed to take. However, McClellan might just be able to keep it together in the long run, or at least for as long as Sanger needs to kick ass and take names.
Strengths: McClellan’s mustache, the team’s combined prissiness
Weaknesses: Lack of strategic insight, low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Hitler displays his killer follow through.

Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
Jane Austen: Badass novelist of realist romantic fiction. Adolf Hitler: extreme asswipe and former dictator of Nazi Germany. This was either a match made in heaven, or the wet dream of a heroin addict living in the Lower West Side who fell asleep while watching reruns of The Jetsons. While Hitler will surely bring a high level of determination and aggressive effort to the team, the duo’s success may be compromised by Jane’s likely efforts to undermine her misogynistic partner and general IDGAFing.
Strengths: Makings pacts, breaking pacts, Mr. Darcy
Weaknesses: Fan-section mostly limited to skinheads marching through Skokie and aging housewives
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: General George S. Patton and Al Gore
–Krystal

BOSS AS FUCK

General George S. Patton and Al Gore
General George S. Patton, known for his strong leadership of the United States Third Army during World War Two, pairs up with Al Gore, former future POTUS, in what should be an interesting game against Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler. The Patton-Gore team will bring bold and relentless efforts to the competition, but Gore’s flip-flopping tendencies could lower the pair’s chances of seizing victory over Austen and Hitler. Expect for Patton to make Der Führer become Der Fürious with repeated mentions of the Invasion of Normandy.
Strengths: The Popular Vote, being the greatest general in history
Weaknesses: The Electoral College, Car Crashes
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10
First-Round Opponents: Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
–Krystal

Wait, this is the bitch who wrote "The Awakening!?"

Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
Feminist writer Kate Chopin is not what you’d call an “MVP Contender” in this year’s tournament.  It’s not that she doesn’t have the potential for mediocrity, but rather that she’s too busy writing shitty novels about her white girl problems to invest anything into the game.  Idi-Amin provides an interesting complement to Chopin.  This Ugandan dictator is probably not used to being denied anything at all, let alone a measly beer pong victory.  This team’s only chance to win will be if Idi-Amin’s determined attitude can motivate Ms. (or Mrs.?  Then again, who gives a fuck) Chopin to get her head in the game.  Otherwise, this team doesn’t pose too much of a threat.
Strengths: Absolute power, “underdog” factor
Weaknesses: Power-trip-induced delusion, Kate Chopin
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
–Ross Packingham

He said we're derived from WHAT???

Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
If this tournament has a wildcard team, it’s these crazy fuckers; one sports analyst calls them the most eclectic team since the legendary Deng Xiaoping/Patrick Henry combo in 1995.  Charles Darwin should make a pretty large contribution to this team — the guy can probably hold his liquor pretty damn well.  You really think he spent all that time on the Galapagos Islands just watching animals and shit? Nah, the guy was drinking Kahlua out of turtle shells.  Ayatollah Khomeini should also be a strong player, but in a different way.  His lack of experience drinking alcohol could be an obstacle, but he’s also very strong-willed and imposing, which can really go a long way.  This firecracker of a team could really go either way; it should be really interesting.
Strengths: Coups, Sea travel
Weaknesses: Khomeini’s low tolerance, Darwin’s unpopularity with religious conservatives
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
–Ross Packingham

The 5 Worst Celebrity Endorsements of All Time

Who would have thought one little drilldo could cause so much damage?

5. Professor John Bailey’s Endorsement of DeWalt Hardware
DeWalt Hardware thought they had made the marketing move of the century when they signed John Bailey to endorse their products. Dewalt hoped that Bailey, a professor at Northwestern University who made international news for allowing the use of a fucksaw in an after-class demonstration to prove to students that – contrary to popular belief – females can indeed be brought to orgasm, would inspire others to invent new and creative uses for their products. The endorsement, however, had the opposite effect of that which was desired. As it turns out, it isn’t as beneficial as one would think to have your product associated with a mechanical pleasure machine.

At least he was never accused of juicing.

4. O.J. Simpson’s Endorsement of Minute Maid Orange Juice
“O.J. for O.J.!” With this slogan, how could any product fail? Well, if the O.J. that is being associated with the product happens to be widely recognized as a felon, there will be issues. The secondary slogan, “If the glove don’t fit-rus, get a dose of some citrus,” only made matters worse, throwing Minute Maid into the spotlight, saddling the company with the nickname a “Vitamin C-rial Killer,” and ultimately leading to allegations that the product itself was not of sufficient quality. This sweeping grassroots movement was spearheaded by the iconic muckraker Captain Juggles, who scrutinized Minute Maid in her song “Balls.” The timeless line, “Get those tiny tangerines out of here, I want them Florida Golds” instantly became the mantra of what is now referred to as the Fruit Juice Revolution. With this one ill-advised endorsement, Minute Maid effectively ruined its once-healthy reputation for ages to come.

These probably had a much better relationship with Hillary than Bill ever did

3. Hillary Clinton’s Endorsement of Tampax
As a proud member of the male gender, I refuse to know what tampons really do; I sometimes wonder if they’re vanilla-flavored cigars that women smoke in privacy because it’s not ladylike. My sister once explained it to me, but I stopped listening after I heard the word “vagina.” Regardless of the purpose they serve, it has been made painfully clear that tampons should not be endorsed by Former Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. But in early 2008, Hillary Clinton and Tampax entered into a mutually beneficial partnership: Clinton endorsed the product, and Tampax supported her campaign. However, the symbiotic relationship was short-lived, as Tampax instantly saw a dramatic drop in sales. Why? Market research indicates that, for lack of a better explanation, Americans really don’t like thinking about Hillary Clinton’s vagina.

Which explains why the cereal tastes like so many thousands of tears

2. Adolf Hitler’s Endorsement of Wheaties
I know what you’re thinking: “Why the fuck would anyone ever want Hitler to endorse their product?” As it turns out, Hitler was a very admirable political figure before he exterminated 11 million people. After he was elected TIME magazine’s Man of the Year in 1938, Wheaties – then a mere fledgling cereal producer – put him on the front of their cereal box, believing that an assertive, successful politician would be the perfect icon to promote their product. Unfortunately, Hitler’s subsequent invasion of Poland put an extremely negative spin on the advertising campaign; the situation only deteriorated when loud-mouthed General George S. Patton jokingly referred to Poland has “Hitler’s Breakfast of Champions.” Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, seeing the cereal box as a symbol of Germany’s cultural and racial superiority to the United States, began using the box as an image to unite and mobilize the German people for war. I don’t mean to imply that Wheaties is responsible for the Holocaust, but the writing’s on the wall.

The fallout was so bad that Reebok was forced to drop Christopher Reeve from their lineup

1. Stephen Hawking’s Endorsement of Air Jordans
In 2004, Nike commissioned a series of marketing studies that revealed a blatant trend in their sales: customers who identified themselves as “academically-oriented” were very unlikely to buy sneakers from Nike. In an effort to rectify this, Nike made one of the most spectacular public relations blunders in recorded history; they had their most popular shoes, Air Jordans, endorsed by paralyzed Oxford professor Stephen Hawking. If that wasn’t poorly construed enough, the commercials featured Stephen Hawking’s computer stating taglines such as “With Air Jordans, my physical potential is no longer a black hole!” and “Who needs the shoulders of giants when you have Air Jordans?” The mastermind of this advertising campaign likely befell the same fate that the North Korean national soccer team did after their 7-0 loss to Portugal in the 2010 World Cup.