May Heinous Breakdown: Miller Genuine Draft Division

Ross Packingham owns this hat.

With less than 24 hours left until May Heinous brackets are due, our writers continue breaking down first-round matchups with today’s Miller Genuine Draft Division preview. It’s not too late to fill out your May Heinous brackets and send them in to shermanave1@gmail.com!

Shit, I’m more drunk than I thought…

Pablo Picasso and James K. Polk
Up and coming pong player and artist extraordinaire Pablo Picasso has drawn a lot of mixed criticism from this season’s staff for his unusual habit of pausing between shots to do some shrooms and paint portraits of his opponents. With two violations this past week, he’ll have to tread carefully. That said, his unorthodox play-style could go a long way towards helping his team take the win on this one, with determined Polk likely taking the cleanup role. A good way to judge Picasso’s mood is to watch what color paints he’s mixing. Hot colors means confidence, darks means he’s going into sissy-mode.  Alongside Pablo is “Old 11,” the 11th President of the USA, James Polk, who will provide a much-needed grounding for space-cadet Picasso.  A traditionalist in many ways, Polk favors a unique under-handed shooting style, something that may take opponents by surprise, scoring Polk-Picasso an early lead.
Strengths: Land theft, high tolerance for hard drugs
Weaknesses: Existential confusion, Polk’s mullet
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Slobodan Milosevic
–Dr. Tattersail

Not a great idea to claim to be “killing it” on the pong table.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Slobodan Milosevic
Wrinkled war criminal and ex-Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic and Spanish Dictator Francisco Franco are likely to be a strong team, given their similar backgrounds and lifestyles.  While ruthless, old boy Slobodan is also on the lazy side, (something for which the more active, forceful Franco will have compensate). Milosevic also plays reliably, and tends toward neither greatness nor inferiority. Expect a steady game from Milosevic. He won’t catch fire, but he’ll definitely sink a cup every couple rounds. If luck is with them, Franco’s spirit and will-power will rub off on Slobby, and the two could easily blaze their way to victory.  Franco is a top-tier player that will have his opponents up against the wall from the get-go, “heating up” with regularity, though he may or may not manage “fire.”
Strengths: Number of syllables in name, number of syllables in military rank
Weaknesses: Unfavorable remarks from the ICC, garnering public support
Team Cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: Pablo Picasso and James K. Polk
–Dr. Tattersail

Drinking gives her a “Russian Glow.”

Tsar Catherine and Hernán Cortés
Catherine the Great wasn’t given her nickname because of her beer pong prowess. Despite her numerous military victories and sweeping reforms during her thirty-four year reign in Russia, throwing a ball into a cup doesn’t come quite as naturally. Additionally, beer doesn’t sit well in the stomach of a lady from Russia, who, at any given point, has enough vodka flowing through her veins to kill a medium-sized horse. Speaking of equestrianism, Tsar Catherine is known for having an unusual interest in the lifestyles of horses. And by “unusual interest” I mean “sexual arousal.” And by “lifestyles” I mean “enormous genitalia,” and I’ll go ahead and stop there. This quirk may make for awkward side-conversations with her partner, Hernando Cortes, who enjoys a casual gallop in an entirely different way. Cortes, as most historians have documented, conquered the Aztec empire in a heated battle of beer pong against Montezuma, and is fully ready to repeat his performance. But will he be able to make up for the horse-loving, vodka-guzzling Catherine the Great?
Strengths: Resemblance to the God Quetzalcoatl, Smallpox
Weaknesses: Equestrian genitalia, reliance on serf labor
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Aristotle and Emperor Nero
-Dominick Sackhandler

Get this: “I drink, therefore I am!”

Aristotle and Emperor Nero
Aristotle was a Greek philosopher, which by definition of the profession means he was drunk and/or high for the vast majority of his life. As such, his tolerance won’t be a problem during this match. With his wisdom and patience, Aristotle will be a key figure in his partnership with Emperor Nero, who might not have the sanity and composure to last the match. Emperor Nero of the Roman Empire was best known for being a crazy sack of shit. Nero is not known for his athleticism, and almost died when he was convinced to participate in a chariot race for the Olympic games. If he can’t drive a chariot, will he be able to sink cups? One thing’s for sure- he will do whatever it takes to win. And it’ll probably involve burning someone to death. Because that was normal for him. Did I mention he was a crazy sack of shit yet? I did? Alright, carry on.
Strengths: Violin, Metaphysics
Weakness: Physics, Fire
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: Catherine the Great and Hernán Cortés
-Dominick Sackhandler

It remains unclear how the frills around his neck will affect Shakespeare’s chugging capabilities.

William Shakespeare and Jean-Paul Sartre
Considering Shakespeare and Sartre barely made it out of the Literary Conference qualifying tournament, thanks to a few inconceivable celeb shots by Albert Camus, the two playwrights are considered the two largest underdogs in May Heinous history since the absurd, incest-riddled 1972 victory of Franz Kafka and Vladimir Nabokov. Assuming Jean-Paul Sartre can even break out of his surfeit of existentialist melancholy to listlessly toss ping-pong balls into cups of liquid languor, expect for the philosopher to go off on a depressing hour-long dissertation on how humans are stuck in a cycle of ceaseless tedium, in which “existence precedes essence” and “beer before liquor” are the precepts that govern human experience. Shakespeare, meanwhile, will most likely be far too busy devising new ways to bore the living shit out of AP English high school sophomores to contribute little more than trash talk, like referring to his opponents as “Thine gorbellied swag-bellied clotpoles” or “Saucy idle-headed ratsbane.” Sartre’s refusal of the 1964 Nobel Prize in Literature, meanwhile, puts his team at a distinct 1-0 Nobel Prize deficit against their opening round opponents.
Strengths: Greatest writer in the English language, metaphors
Weaknesses: Ennui, thirteen-year-old Capulet girls
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10
First-Round Opponents: Nelson Mandela and George Wallace
–Evander Jones

“No-tee OT now, no-tee OT tomorrow, no-tee OT FOREVER!!!”

Nelson Mandela and George Wallace
It remains unclear what twathead put one of America’s most popular racist and rabid anti-segregationist on the same team as the beloved South African president, but this will be a team with unstoppable potential if the leaders could just get over the whole “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever” thing. The two men certainly have pluck, though. When asked what political figure he most admired, Wallace immediately answered “Myself,” exactly the kind of confidence that sinks some cups. When asked about Wallace’s comment, Mandela simply smiled, pulled out his accumulated 250 awards, and reminded Wallace that only one member of their team was both elected president and portrayed by Morgan Freeman. So long as no busing is involved, this team could go far.
Strengths: Appeals for reconciliation, being a boss, appeals to alienated white voters
Weaknesses: Democratic Primaries, being a bigoted racist during desegregation
Team Cohesiveness: -5/10
First-Round Opponents: William Shakespeare and Jean-Paul Sartre
–Evander Jones

Game face.

Martin Luther and Harriet Tubman
Religious reformer Martin Luther is one of the more unpredictable characters in this tournament.  Amid concerns that he’ll spend too much time nailing documents to the beer pong table and printing out Bibles in German, there are some who think that his spiritual balance will ground the team.  His partner, Underground Railroad Conductor Harriet Tubman, is expected to be a bit of a hustler; while she may have some other things at the top of her mental agenda (like, I don’t know, maybe rescuing slaves), she is a headstrong pong player who is surprisingly good at sinking cups in the clutch.  Between Luther’s pent-up aggression toward Pope Leo X and Tubman’s pent-up aggression toward Southern white people, this team could really have some powerful energy.
Strengths: Religious well-being, mental health
Weaknesses: Disdain for well-established institutions, presumably low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 7.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Otto von Bismarck and Charles De Gaulle
–Ross Packingham

The ability to stab your opponent with your hat has to count for something.

Otto von Bismarck and Charles De Gaulle
German Chancellor Otto von Bismarck was one of the most skilled politicians in modern history, and it’s safe to assume that those skills apply to beer pong.  Even if he fails to make cups, this diplomatic juggernaut could easily use his persuasive skills to sabotage opponent re-racks or manage a few extra behind-the-back shots.  De Gaulle, on the other hand, brings significantly less to the table.  His military experience is effectively canceled out by the fact that it occurred in the French military, and his presidency of France had no lasting effects other than the loss of Algeria and the name of an airport.  It’s probable that whatever De Gaulle adds to the team is simply going to be dwarfed by what he detracts from it in the team dynamic – especially considering Bismarck’s well-documented hatred of the French.
Strengths: Diplomatic prowess, three-word names
Weaknesses: French heritage, Hubris-filled mustaches
Team Cohesiveness: 2.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Martin Luther and Harriet Tubman
–Ross Packingham

5 Special Editions of Monopoly That Would Never Sell

                                                                 

Crusades! Advance to the nearest Islam-owned property and claim it as your own.

Monopoly: World Religions Edition

Since almost all pieces end up in Jerusalem anyway, the game should work, right?  Wrong.  The first problem with the game is that the Holy Land doesn’t actually have as much real estate as Atlantic City, the basis for the original version of Monopoly.  There’s West Bank, Golan Heights, Gaza Strip…yeah, I think that’s about it.  So the game inevitably results in all the players fighting over a few small chunks of land.  Also, Hasbro showed an astounding lack of foresight by including a small sculpture of Mohammed as a game piece.  But the ultimate downfall of the game is its sheer offensive nature.  There are too many moments in this game that cause inter-player strife.  For example, that awkward moment when the Atheist player buys Mecca…

Anthony Weiner's iPhone - another game piece

Monopoly:  Scandalous! Edition

In this version of the game, players have the opportunity to relive some famous scandals in recent history while simultaneously trying to accumulate enough capital to put Watergate Hotel on a monopoly.  Game pieces include a Silvio Berlusconi, a Minneapolis airport stall, and a hauntingly detailed sculpture of Bill Clinton’s genitalia.  The first Hasbro board game to be rated NC-17, this game somehow fails to appeal to the typical board game demographic – Mormons.  Even with the second edition of the game, which makes a direct appeal to Mormons by adding Newt Gingrich’s numerous divorces to the list of scandals referenced in the game, there still is little to no market for it.  However, rumor has it that a new, more topically relevant version of the game is set for release this spring, focusing exclusively on scandals relating to 2012 Republican presidential candidates.

They replaced Marvin Gardens with THIS?!

Monopoly:  Classic Literature Edition

On paper, the idea here isn’t half bad.  The game could provide younger players with a basic understanding of classic literature while providing older players with an engaging form of mental stimulation.  Each monopoly consists of two or three books by one author, and their respective values correlate to how highly esteemed the author is (ex: Novels by Kate Chopin would replace Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues).  Regrettably, the designer of the game had a pretty skewed perception of “classic literature.”  Instead of featuring authors like Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway, the game features authors like Chelsea Handler and Dan Brown.  Furthermore, the 4 railroads are replaced by the 4 installments of the “Twilight” series.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait till you find out that “Park Place” was replaced by “Tuesdays with Morrie.”

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME DOUBLES.

Monopoly:  The Deep South Edition

 The game pieces included in this version of monopoly are quite controversial; among them are Colonel Sanders, Dale Earnhardt Sr., George Wallace, and Nathan Bedford Forrest.  As an effort to slightly veil their excessive racism, they included Martin Luther King Jr. as another game piece, but this sentiment was made obsolete by the rule forcing the MLK piece to serve the jail sentences of the other players.  The game does have its merits, though – if a player can get a series of Motel 8s on the most expensive monopoly (comprised of Baptist Avenue and Krispy Kreme Boulevard), they could potentially make enough money to bribe Cam Newton into their football program.  Yet, the most distinguishing aspect of the game is probably the game-changing nature of the “Chance” cards – nothing can bring down your luck like drawing “BP Spill.  Move back 4 spaces” or “Realize the Civil War did actually end.  Start over.”

Monopoly: A Cultural Revolution!

Maonopoly:  Chinese Edition

It may come as a surprise to find out that, without the basic principles of capitalism, monopoly is not a very enjoyable game.  I can only imagine the frustration one might feel upon landing on Vermont Avenue – or whatever the fuck they call streets in China – and discovering that, along with every other property on the game, it is owned by the government.  Instead of “Community Chest” and “Chance,” players draw cards like “Community Chest” and “Community Chance,” possibly commanding them to take a Great Leap Forward to spaces like “Community Electric Company” or “Community Go.”  Additionally, several other spaces are renamed; for example, “Short Line” is replaced by “Tall-Because-Of-Leg-Extensions Line.”  Beware, though – just because there’s free parking on Tiananmen Square doesn’t necessarily mean the pieces will stop moving.