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Tag Archives: #GetFucked

Sherman Ave’s Dating Profile

14 Nov

A good profile picture should stick in peoples minds.

Haaaiii guyzz, I’m new here. And bitterly disappointed. Was anyone else under the impression that Sherman Ave was a dating site? Kept exclusively for Northwestern’s most heinous sexual predators and most socially awkward? I thought they were just really into necrophilia, seeing as they spend an awful lot of time talking about hooking up with dead historical figures.

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Sucks to Shuck: #GetFuckedNebraska

19 Oct

“Slash and Cut” isn’t always what you think it means…

“Nebraska, I love you.”
-Lady Gaga

“Holy fuck this place blows.”
-Everybody else

There’s a gentle wind rolling over the Nebraskan prairie. If you stop and listen long enough, in between the roar of an engine escaping the state on I-76 and the soul-crushing desolation echoing over endless fields of corn, you can sometimes make out what the wind is whispering. Would you like to know what the wind says?

Get fucked Nebraska.

Yes Nebraska. The time has come once again for your beloved football team to get shucked in the cornhole.

Come Saturday evening, the Northwestern Wildcats will fuck you in the Lil’ Red. And we don’t mean your mascot, who happens to have a lower BMI than 78% of your state.

The game will be even more of an embarrassment than Bill Callahan’s tenure. Don’t say we didn’t warn you when Taylor Martinez gets obliterated like the 15 Plains Indian tribes indigenous to your shithole taint of a state. And your blackshirt defense? Expect for Venric Mark to obliterate it like the Kansas-Nebraska Act decimated national unity.

To be honest, we’re kind of surprised that you’re coming back for more after we fucked you so spectacularly last year. We would have thought Husker coach Ron Brown would have said something about the Kain Colter-induced sodomy he had to witness in Lincoln.

Having spent multiple hours in absolute hell the municipality of North Platte, Nebraska, I feel fully qualified in saying that your state deserves what will be it’s greatest disappointment since, well, last year. Seriously, any state that has a unicameral legislature and repeatedly lost to the University of Colorado has this coming. Especially when your greatest claim to fame is being the source for the title track of the eighth best  Bruce Springsteen album.

Have you ever slapped yourself in the face with an Omaha Steak? Because the resulting bruise is a pretty decent approximation of what Chi Chi Ariguzo’s saltstick will leave on your collective backfield tomorrow.

Prepare to be fucked like William Jennings Bryan in… everything really. We understand that your two main exports are tumbleweed and flatness, but hopefully you’ll be able to scrap enough money together to get drunk and listen to Bright Eyes to help you feel better about getting so entirely fucked by the real NU.

Get fucked Nebraska.

#GetFuckedPennState

5 Oct

The battle of the fictional feline football foes.

When Penn State gets fucked by the Northwestern Wildcats tomorrow afternoon, prepare for the biggest scandal in Happy Valley to break out since…

Um…

Since the 2008 revelation that 46 Penn State football players had faced 163 criminal charges since 2002.

Yeah, let’s go with that — the shocking revelation of systematic abuse by people of authority that was CLEARLY the worst scandal to rock the athletic culture of the Nittany Lions.

Prepare for a 4,000-strong student riot to run amok through the streets of State College, protesting what will be the worst shock to Penn State’s national brand since 6 Lions football players broke into an apartment and beat several students. Because when Kain Colter and Venric Mark absolutely fondle Penn State’s defense, it could be the worst black mark on the University’s football program since JoePa’s intemperate remarks about sexual assault.

Yes, Penn State, it seems that Northwestern has picked up the banner of “Success with Honor” you left sullied on the ground. Get ready to experience the full brunt of shame from losing to a school that maintains integrity at both the University and within its athletic programs. The smell of defeat is going to be so bad you’ll need to shower it off.

Penn State, we find you guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sucking.

Now we’re not just horsing around here. We’re going to beat you so bad we’ll make Bill O’Brien blush redder than Mike McQuery’s hair. Speaking of Mike, whatever happened to that guy? Haven’t seen him around recently.

Sidebar: What the fuck is a Nittany Lion? And why does it look like Arthur the Aardvark’s drug addled cousin? Who designed the mascot costume? A fourth grade — you know what, never mind.

Prepare for Chi Chi Ariguzo and the rest of the Wildcat’s front seven to show a total disregard for the safety and welfare of tomorrow’s gridiron victims, which will only empower our defense to continue its systematic abuse of Matt McGloin at Beaver Stadium.

Hehehehe. Beaver.

According to the history books, Northwestern is an astounding 10-0 against Penn State dating back to 1998. So suck on that. Although we are a bit surprised that our incessant fucking of the Nittany Lions hasn’t yet led to Penn State’s establishment of an athletic culture and daily mindset in which football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.

Nevertheless, you still could have put a memento commemorating all that Coach Paterno did for your football program outside of the stadium. I don’t know, maybe a statue or something. That’s cold man. Just cold.

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