A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes

Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.

3^rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could

Imaginary Conversation with Cute Girl in Front Row Going Great

The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – According to multiple sources within your consciousness, the conversation you are currently imagining with that cute girl in the front row of your Econ 202 class is going really well, and you are coming off as uncharacteristically charming and witty. Throughout this hypothetical exchange, the female with approachable, sort of “girl next door” good looks is laughing at all of your jokes—as they are being delivered with impeccable comedic timing—and understands all of the obscure pop culture references. She has even probably watched and can quote lines from the entire Monty Python TV series, much to your pretend surprise.

The “down-to-earth” personality that you have invented for this girl—based largely off the fact that she is wearing Converses and has a Bon Iver sticker on her laptop—seems to be

The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

A Love Lost: A girl, a coat, and an undying romance

To whom it may concern,

This is a story about a love lost. It’s a story about a girl and a coat and an undying romance. It’s a story of heartbreak and grieving and loneliness. But it’s also a story of hope.

It all began with the snowfall.  On one frigid day in October in the city of Evanston, Illinois I fell in love.  Not with a boy or a class or a book or a puppy, but with a coat. That morning, after the weather report showed a high of 30 and a 70% chance of snow, I unearthed my hefty, unscathed Canada Goose coat from deep inside my 3-foot-long dorm room dresser, threw it over my shoulders and stepped outside. From that moment on, my life was changed forever.

WTF is going on with Alison Gold’s ‘Chinese Food’ music video

0-0:11 I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I THINK IT’S SOMETHING ABOUT NOODLES.

0:12-0:15 omg the noodles gave birth to a rainbow

9 Reasons Going to the Movies Alone is Actually Super Rad

You’re basically the MLK Jr. of film-goers.

While I fully appreciate the convenience of Netflix, Hulu, and Comcast On Demand, I usually prefer to see movies in the theater. A trip to the theater is an event. Movie theaters provide a change in scenery, access to the grossest foods you could dream of, and a much-needed break from my nonexistent life at Northwestern.

Luckily, here at Northwestern, there are literally thousands of nerds to choose from when it comes to finding a movie buddy.  There was no shortage of people to accompany me to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I, The Lion King in 3D, and Wreck-it Ralph. I even managed to find a person with whom I could watch trees, cosmic swirls, and a stern-looking Brad Pitt on a loop for 139 minutes in The Tree of Life.

Beyoncé “Super-Jealous” of Chet Haze’s Talent

Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she’s the hottest, baby.

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Avenue, seventeen-time Grammy award winner Beyoncé Knowles praised Chet Haze’s latest video, “Finest Girl,” as “the most promising display of raw talent I have ever seen.”

The star of Dreamgirls shared her high opinions of Chester Marlon Hanks, better known as “Chet Haze” in the rap community, whose introspective video about not remembering whether he got the digits of a girl at a club debuted yesterday.

“I thought it was an incredibly insightful commentary on today’s suffering economy. The subtle reference to Nietzsche really demonstrated his lyrical skill, concern with really deep topics, and how much he’s really learned from his classes at Northwestern. And the way that girl clearly took her makeup cues from Jenna Marbles, I just – it says so much about women’s role in culture these days.”

No Shave November: A Beginner’s Guide to the Weeks Ahead

That’s why his beard’s so big: It’s full of secrets!

My fellow countrymen, we find ourselves one week into an historic month.  The leaves are changing colors.  Birds are flying south for the winter.  Daylight Savings Time has happened, making it that much harder to stay up for Barry “Fuck You” Obama’s acceptance speech.

But let us not forget the true significance of this 11^th month of 2012.  The chance, once again, to participate in No Shave November.

For the unfamiliar, No Shave November may sound like a feminist pin-up girl’s name.  Rather, it is a masculine tradition, the rules of which are contained in the name itself.  Don’t shave your grill for a month, enter into a sacred brotherhood.  Simple, yet profound.

For those who have never dabbled in the Facial Arts before, but like me, have begun the journey this month, I offer up a forecast of the weeks to come:

Days 1-7: We’re past these.  The first four days were probably kinda normal, unless you’re some sort of lumberjack-showoff like my roommate, who can grow a beard in less time than it takes a second-semester senior to shotgun a PBR.  I don’t really think these motherfuckers should even be allowed to participate in Manvember.  I mean, what are they even tryna prove?  But I digress.

For normally-equipped gentlemen, this week serves as an easy transition into the burlier stages ahead.  Peach fuzz turns to peach scuzz, and the plot thickens.

Days 8-14: The pace has begun to pick up.  You will survive the terrible “child molester/vagabond-whispy-upper-lip-stache” phase and move into the “It’s-possible-that-man-may-be-a-convict-but-I-just-can’t-look-away” phase.

The winds of fortune are swift, my friends.  And with their change comes much attention from the honeys.  Depending on the distribution of your beard-strings, you might want to consider some Neck Beard Trimming.  Some people consider this against the rules.  If that’s how you feel, A) go cry about it, B) maybe buy some turtlenecks or something.

Days 15-21: By this point, you’ve probably got a full-on beard (if you don’t, my bad, bro).  Have you begun to style it? Gel or moustache wax, perhaps?  Maybe you finally got that promotion you’ve been waiting on.  If you’ve never rocked the beard before, this could be a whole new world.  Just don’t let the glamour and glitz pull you in.  Remember: at the end of the month, you’re going to have to make a choice.  Back to Shaving Business As Usual, or continue on down the Road of Awesomeness and Chin Stroking?

Days 22-28: You may notice during this time that you gravitate towards more flannel.  Your diet shifts to consisting mostly of flapjacks, hotcakes, or griddlecakes, or some combination of the three.  You’ve taken to catching yourself in the mirror, just to look yourself in the eye and say, “Damn, that’s one mean mug you’re rocking, pard’ner.”  You have given up on contemporary music, preferring instead to listen to a shitty 3-song mix you made of ZZ Top songs (“Sharp Dressed Man,” “Cheap Sunglasses,” “La Grange” I think is the third one).  The beard has transcended being merely a facial adornment and settled as the key identifier of your personality.

If you grow it, the biddies will come.

Days 29 & 30: Did you remember to take a before picture?  ‘Cause you can take a sweet after picture and be a Facebook hero for a day.  All your friends will see the true gentleman you have Digivolved into.  An upstanding citizen, resplendent, brawny, and smelling strongly of cedar and tanning oil.

Speaking of FB, you have started a group called “I Ain’t Lose My Phone But I Got So Many Lady’s Numbers I Need To Start Giving Them Away.”  You are the only member.

Your responses are exclusively monosyllabic and often nothing more than grunts.

Former acquaintances who might’ve once viewed you as scrawny now pass your name along to their friends who need help moving.  “I’m pretty sure he can bench like, 130,” they’ve been heard saying.

You finish every tweet with “#sosayeththebeard.”

What happens on December 1 is up to you.  If you’re like me, you’ll keep the Gravy Train running as long as possible and then maybe settle down someday with a nice mustache.  Or maybe The Beard has become too much for you and you’ll take a razor to it right away.  The choice is yours.  Choose wisely, my dear readers, and may the Good Fortunes of Our Patron Saint Ron Swanson shine upon thee.

-Zephaniah Brownstein

3 Stellar Halloween Costume Ideas

Personal favorite: Slutty Abe Lincoln

Warning: Sherman Ave does not condone or endorse the use of any of the costumes. Not a single one. Seriously guys.

So you need a brilliant costume idea for Halloween this year and you are completely out of ideas? No worries! Here at Sherman Ave, we are more than happy to put our minds and nimble fingers of Eleanor Kinkervoss (our resident Martha Stewart, tbh) to work to create stunning garbs of Samhain delight!

1. The Race Controversy
Simply don a sombrero, blackface, or a kimono and walk around with a peace pipe (of “tobacco” of course) and greeting people with a booming “HOW!” Also constantly be at war with the white person inside of you and try to oppress each part of your costume by yelling slurs at yourself. Points if you can hit more ethnic pejoratives than all of Ryan Murphy’s shows combined.

2. The Keg
Fashion a single-person tent into a poncho type shroud supported by your shoulders and let any girl obviously younger than 21 enter the tent through the flap in the back of the tent. Carry a 30-rack of any cheap beer and give one to any person able to jump over you when you sit down.

3. Sherman Ave (alone or group costume)
Gather as many friends as you can to pregame the festivities with a tons of Keystone Light and cheap vodka while screaming Katy Perry and Adele songs. One or two of you can also mime masturbating to Pippa Middleton’s visage and the others can all blackout in Fran’s.

Alternatively, you could just go as a slutty rabbit or dead football player like every character in every fucking teen movie ever. Have fun!

How to survive a walk down Sheridan Road

Always stay vigilant of your surroundings

Let’s face it: you didn’t come to Northwestern because you’re good at socializing. You probably came here because you got a 33 on your ACT, placed in the semifinals of Scholastic Bowl, and get offended when Harry Potter placement quizzes dare to put you in Gryffindor (RAVENCLAW 4 LYFE BRAH).

Yet I’m sure your social skillz have blossomed beautifully over the last few months or years. Just the other day I saw a friend on a shuttle and managed to sit next to him and hold polite conversation for 30 whole seconds without saying the word “scrotum!” So that was successful.

But, since not all social interactions can go that smoothly, I’ve decided to try and bestow some advice on the most socially difficult situation an NU student can run into: seeing someone you know on Sheridan Road.

Here’s what to do in a variety of situations:

Someone you’ve never met, but you know who they are:
DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Look down or up or at your phone or to the side or pretty much anywhere but into their corneas. If you’re particularly socially able, engage in conversation with the person you’re walking with. This will make it less obvious that you are feverishly watching the other person in your peripheral vision.

Someone you’ve met once or twice:
Depending on how the last interaction went, it may be acceptable to wave or say a quick “hi.” This is certainly not required, and the other person should not be offended if you do not do so. But if the last encounter you had was pleasant and social you should feel free to greet them briefly as you pass. However, this is NOT a situation where you stop and say, “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

Socializing in a simpler time

Someone you know casually, as in from a party or through a mutual friend:
Say hello and wave. This is an opportunity to make a friend! If they seem particularly excited, you can throw in a “How are ya?” or “How’ve you been?” After several of these encounters and if the blooming friendship seems consensual, you can stop to talk or add a little more to the conversation.

Someone who you drunkenly met and hung out with at a party:
Oh God this can be awkward. First, how sure are you that they even remember you? If they were potentially blacked out, do not make eye contact unless they prompt it. If you’re sure they remember you and you didn’t do anything awkward, wave casually and maybe smile. If, however, it was one of those terrific drunken nights where you bond on the roof of Swift, feel free to be more enthusiastic. If you’re both still just glad to be alive, perhaps share a knowing laugh. If you ended the night by promising to become bestiez and exchanging numbers, you should probably hug. You are bestiez now, after all.

Someone you’ve hung out with several times:
Say hi. Try to be normal. Hopefully you have something to talk about for a moment. If not try “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

A friend of yours:
I usually go with “WAZZUP BROSEF STALIN, HOW YOU BE HANGING MAYN?!”. You may choose to be less heinous if you wish, but if that’s your goal I don’t really understand why you’re reading this.

One of your best friends:
Pretend to ignore them. This is hilarious every time and never gets old.

That kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to:
Stare at the sidewalk. The sidewalk is so fucking interesting. Oh, is that a flyer for the SASA Show? Why yes it is. That must be the most fucking fascinating flyer you’ve ever seen. Absorb it into your brainmind.

A professor you once had:
Wink. Please. Just do it and then tell me how it went and whether or not they immediately made violent love to you.

Don't worry, it wasn't very good for her either.

A girl you hooked up with last year:
Are you past the awkward stage? If so, act like it’s a friend. If not, act like it’s a kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to.

A girl you knocked up last year:
PAY HER CHILD SUPPORT. STOP RUNNING AWAY. THIS IS YOUR CHILD TOO AND IT NEEDS A FATHER. MAN UP YOU LITTLE BITCH.

A kid in your discussion section:
If you sit near each other and talk often, wave and/or say hi. If you don’t really talk but think they could be your soulmate, slowly drift over toward them. As you approach you’ll have two options: either grab them forcefully and run off, physically taking them with you, or bump into them and say “Sorry! Oh, you’re in my Human Sex lecture aren’t you? I’m sure we’d make great Human Sex.” Both of these should work.

Now, it’s important to remember that all of this is dependent on timing. No matter who the other person is, if you start looking at them too early or too late the encounter will be awkward and Northwesternish. Try to make eye contact no more than six steps in advance and no fewer than four. This way even an awkward encounter will be over quickly, but if you decide you’re enjoying it you can stop and make it last longer. Wait. Guys. That sounded sexual. Please don’t have intercourse on Sheridan.