Jack White sues Miami Heat fans to never chant “Seven Nation Army” again

Miami, Fla.–The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.

Magic Underpants: The Mitt Romney Story

Experience “trickle-down” like you never have before!

Obama always threw the best parties in town. Liberal with the booze and democratic with the music, it was the perfect place to get socialized, but America wasn’t having much fun. She felt like she’d been here for four years now, and though the energy was still high, Obama’s party hadn’t quite lived up to expectations. It didn’t help that she had just come from G.W.’s party, and so threw up pretty early into the night, and Obama had to spend most of his time cleaning up the mess. GM got pretty sick too, and a lot of other people had go home early, even a couple guys who everyone swore were too big to fail. America suspected the unregulated punch bowl.

But even still, now that she was back on her feet and mostly recovered, America couldn’t help but feel a bit out of place at Obama’s party, and the music was giving her a headache. Setting her drink down, she went to look for some place quiet where she could rest for a while.

After turning down a few halls, she found a small guest room, mostly insulated from the constant music. Assuming it to be empty, she flipped on the lights.

And there, on the bed, she saw him: his hair perfectly coiffed, his smile rigid and semi-lifelike, his tight temple garments highlighting his impressive fiscal policy.

“Oh, Governor Romney, I’m sorry, I thought this room was empty,” America stammered.

“Please, no need to be so formal. Call me Mitt,” said Romney as he gestured America to come sit with him. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just getting a little tired of Obama’s party, and looking for a place too cool down.”

“Mm,” Romney nodded, “I know the feeling. You know I’m planning my own party soon? Much more tasteful and conservative. I think it’ll be a grand old party. I’d like it if you were there with me.” America only now realized how close Romney had gotten to her. This close up, he almost looked human. “You know America, I’ve got binders full of women, but I always had eyes for you.”

“Oh Mitt you’re joking with me.”

“I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun. But right now I want something a little more spontaneous.”

America watched in stunned silence as Romney pulled out his fiscal policies. She had seen Obama’s stimulus package before, but this was something completely different. She was a little afraid it might hurt her. “Oh Mitt, your tax cuts are so… so big!”

“That’s just the 1%, babe.”

“But, don’t you think we need a safety net?”

“Nonsense, my dear. A friend told me that your body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.”

And thus, with some reluctance, America let Romney take her.

The End

-Dolphintail Espinoza

The Sherman Ave 2012 VP Debate Drinking Game

If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself.

So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”

Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.

Power hour if they make out.

It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.

See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.

Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:

Take a sip if…

When he heard the debate would be on ABC, Paul Ryan thought it meant a different “ABC”

• Paul Ryan discusses Medicare or entitlements (that means Social Security or Medicaid too, you fucking engineers).
• Joe Biden mentions his upbringing (that means childhood, you goddamn pre-meds).
• Moderator Martha Raddatz manages to effectively end discussion of a topic when time expires ONE FUCKING TIME.
• Biden gives Obama credit for the fact that GM is alive but Osama bin Laden is now one of the dead people.
• Paul Ryan blatantly contradicts himself (that means on the Simpson-Bowles debt commission plan, saving $716 billion in Medicare from overhead costs, rape exceptions on abortion, or like half of the shit Mitt Romney says he kind of supports but might not if other people don’t like it).
• Biden says “consecutive months of job growth,” “5.1 million new jobs,” or “7.8% unemployment.”
• Ryan says “fiscal responsibility,” “failure” or “Nancy Pelosi.” Three sips if he cannot bring himself to say Pelosi’s name.
• Biden forgets someone’s name, gets a date wrong, doesn’t realize he was asked a question, asks Ryan to get him some coffee, makes a joke about “a cup of Joe for Joe” after he asks Ryan for coffee, asks if he’s president yet, or reverts to talking about his wife because he can’t remember what the question was.

Take a gulp if…

• The moderator challenges Ryan to substantiate a claim.
• Ryan leaves Biden crying on his podium and asking if he may leave now.
• Biden forgets to wear a shirt.
• Ryan “forgets” to wear a shirt and starts rubbing his abs at the camera.
• Biden openly flirts with Raddatz.
• Ryan name drops Janesville, Wisconsin.
• Biden name drops Scranton, Pennsylvania.
• Biden and Ryan have a fistfight over whose blue-collar upbringing was tougher.
• Ryan mentions Ayn Rand.
• Biden says “you were a lot more ladylike in our last debate.”
• Ryan uses words that Biden doesn’t understand.
• Ryan says the middle class has been “buried” the last four years. Two gulps if he credits Biden with coming up with the line.
• Either candidate uses a clearly pre-prepared zinger.

Finish your drink if…

Big Bird jokes are NEVER gonna get old, rite??

• Obama comes onstage to redeem himself.
• Bill Clinton comes onstage and euthanizes Biden.
• Ryan announces his 2016 candidacy.
• Biden points out that it was rude of Ryan not to ask if he could call him Joe.
• Ryan messes up an answer and just yells, “Yeah, well this bitch invited Obama to her wedding she probably like loves him or something I bet she kept an old Kleenex of his and is gonna do some weird African voodoo on it to make him like her.” Word for word.
• Big Bird eats Ryan alive on national television.
• The handshake at the end of the debate lasts more than 3.5 seconds.

*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.

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