A College Reward System to Get You Through Senior Year

I pooped in the big-kid toilet therefore I deserve some whisky.

It’s senior year, and despite the fact that I have yet to figure out what the hell I’m going to do after they kick me out of this university, the number of fucks I give about my classes every aspect of my life is approaching zero faster than you can say senioritis. So I’ve come up with a system in which I reward myself for doing the little everyday things. It’s sort of like getting a gold star for putting away your toys after playtime in kindergarten, but for grown-ups lazy-ass college students.

If you’re anything like my mom, you’re saying, “but going to class and doing your homework already has a reward, it’s called a diploma.” Besides the fact that you’re not being funny, working 40 hours a week at a less-shitty job than if I didn’t go to college is not going to keep me off Facebook during class. I need something immediate. Like candy. Or vodka. I’m not talking about one candy bar after a long day of classes and homework. That shit may have worked freshman through junior year, but it sure as hell isn’t going to cut it now that I’ve realized getting straight A’s will have virtually the same effect on my GPA as straight C’s (thank you, engineering, for making me take a full course load every fucking year). No, with this knowledge always at the back of my mind, I’ve had to start rewarding myself for even the simplest of tasks. So, just like putting toys away = 1 gold star: