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Tag Archives: governor

State of Illinois changes name to “Land of Twincoln”

5 Nov
Whole new meaning of "stovepipe."

Whole new meaning of “stovepipe.”

Chicago, Ill.–In what comes as a landmark event for the Midwest, sources have confirmed that the State of Illinois has officially decided to change its slogan to the “Land of Twincoln.”

“It just felt right,” explained Governor Pat Quinn. “The state is moving forward and this is just one of the many changes that will come with the progress we’re seeing.”

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Lil Wayne Preparing for Annual Skeet Trip

14 Dec
Dr. Carter, whose breath has already begun to fog in anticipation of the Skeet Trip's climate.

Dr. Carter, whose breath has already begun to fog in anticipation of the Skeet Trip’s climate.

NEW ORLEANS — According to a press release from Birdman Jr.’s head of public relations, Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., known by his stage name Lil Wayne, spent his Friday afternoon enthusiastically making final preparations for his 12th Annual Skeet Trip.

Scheduled for December 15 through the 21st, the Skeet Trip is the largest rapper-organized Skeet Trip in the country. Under the direction of Lil Wayne, Lil John, The East Side Boyz, and the Ying Yang Twins, the Skeet Trip has evolved from a weekend trip to blow off some steam and enjoy the company of choice biddies to a weeklong skeeting bonanza in Park City, Utah. The group of rappers and hip hop artists continues to run the highly anticipated skeet trip at the end of every winter break, making it one of the largest lyricist-run-man-juice-ejaculation excursions in the nation (excluding, of course, the Grammy Awards).

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Magic Underpants: The Mitt Romney Story

4 Nov

Experience “trickle-down” like you never have before!

Obama always threw the best parties in town. Liberal with the booze and democratic with the music, it was the perfect place to get socialized, but America wasn’t having much fun. She felt like she’d been here for four years now, and though the energy was still high, Obama’s party hadn’t quite lived up to expectations. It didn’t help that she had just come from G.W.’s party, and so threw up pretty early into the night, and Obama had to spend most of his time cleaning up the mess. GM got pretty sick too, and a lot of other people had go home early, even a couple guys who everyone swore were too big to fail. America suspected the unregulated punch bowl.

But even still, now that she was back on her feet and mostly recovered, America couldn’t help but feel a bit out of place at Obama’s party, and the music was giving her a headache. Setting her drink down, she went to look for some place quiet where she could rest for a while.

After turning down a few halls, she found a small guest room, mostly insulated from the constant music. Assuming it to be empty, she flipped on the lights.

And there, on the bed, she saw him: his hair perfectly coiffed, his smile rigid and semi-lifelike, his tight temple garments highlighting his impressive fiscal policy.

“Oh, Governor Romney, I’m sorry, I thought this room was empty,” America stammered.

“Please, no need to be so formal. Call me Mitt,” said Romney as he gestured America to come sit with him. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just getting a little tired of Obama’s party, and looking for a place too cool down.”

“Mm,” Romney nodded, “I know the feeling. You know I’m planning my own party soon? Much more tasteful and conservative. I think it’ll be a grand old party. I’d like it if you were there with me.” America only now realized how close Romney had gotten to her. This close up, he almost looked human. “You know America, I’ve got binders full of women, but I always had eyes for you.”

“Oh Mitt you’re joking with me.”

“I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun. But right now I want something a little more spontaneous.”

America watched in stunned silence as Romney pulled out his fiscal policies. She had seen Obama’s stimulus package before, but this was something completely different. She was a little afraid it might hurt her. “Oh Mitt, your tax cuts are so… so big!”

“That’s just the 1%, babe.”

“But, don’t you think we need a safety net?”

“Nonsense, my dear. A friend told me that your body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.”

And thus, with some reluctance, America let Romney take her.

The End

-Dolphintail Espinoza

#GetFuckedIU

28 Sep

Mmmmm, you like that don’t you?

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Steve Buscemi and Rosie O’Donnell did it?

No?

Not even a little bit?

Because that’s all I can think about heading into tomorrow’s absolute and total fucking of Indiana at the hands of Northwestern.

In a battle of two schools tied for the all-time losingest records in college football history, it’s hard not to think of anything but two of the most appallingly atrocious humans of all time bumping uglies in a Walmart restroom. That said, at least Steve Buscemi — the Northwestern of this heinous pairing — has scored moderate success, including breakout years in the mid-90s and a return to relevance in the past few years. Rosie, meanwhile, is in constant flux between garnering irrelevance and disgust.

Anyways, IT’S TIME TO GET FUCKED IU.

Now, I’m not sure what exactly a “Hoosier” is, but I don’t think it would really like being double-teamed by Kain Colter and Trevor Simien while Seth Meyers sits in the corner and watches Saturday at 11. I bet Cam Coffman will turn as crimson as his uniform after witnessing the ungodly bestial acts performed at midfield tomorrow.

Be warned, Indiana. We’re going to abuse you like Bobby Knight circa 1997. Run your ass into the ground like the ass-drubbing William Henry Harrison administered to the Shawnee at Tippecanoe. Fuck you like Gary’s industrial economy.

We know that your student population mostly consists of hot girls we used to go to high school with and music majors, but don’t think that will stop Venric Mark and the Northwestern rushing attack from fucking you so hard that all jokes about Ball State University will just seem unnecessary (hint: it turns out that playing with Ball State was just the foreplay for what’s to come tomorrow at Ryan Field).

Safe to say, we’re going to screw you over like Governor Mitch Daniels having his way with a local union chapter.

Don’t worry Indiana. Being the taint of college football will be a challenge, yes, but let us advise you on the ways of sucking. Plastic bottles of whiskey certainly come in handy, as well as a healthy dosage of delusion and heinous.

And if all else fails to cheer you up, we hear that the smog and pockets of racism make for excellent sunsets along I-90 on your way back from tomorrow morning’s diddling.

HOOSIER DADDY???

ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates

12 Aug

Sexxi can I?

After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.

Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.

A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.

Vet this, bitch.

Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.

Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.

Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.

Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Bill Clinton sex.

The Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever

7 Dec

You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.

He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.

Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:

Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:

1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”

2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.

3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.

4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.

5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.

But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.

6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.

7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.

8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.

9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.

Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.

Got him.