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According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”
Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”
These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events. 
Sherman Ave 