Things I’ve Learned From Living Alone For A Week

It’s comforting knowing that this obnoxious girl has nobody to live with.

I’ve been living alone for about five and a half days now. Technically I have a roommate, but he doesn’t start work until September (lucky bastard), so he’s on an extended vacation on the other side of the country. When I first heard this news I thought, “oh this will be great! I’ll have plenty of time alone with my thoughts, and I’ll be able to catch up on all the reading I’ve been wanting to do forever!” But apparently I don’t have that many thoughts, and I don’t want to catch up on that much reading after all.

I guess part of me thought I would remember how to entertain myself from a childhood full of older brothers that insisted on exclusively playing single-player video games; turns out I remember less of that than what I learned in high school history.*

Anyway, all this alone time has left me bored out of my fucking mind. So much so that I’ve decided to write this article outlining a few of the things I’ve discovered out of aforementioned boredom (probably more for my entertainment than yours).

Senior Stares Wistfully Out From Lakefill, Hoping To See A Soft Green Light

EVANSTON– Senior Aidan McCarthy was spotted Thursday staring out into Lake Michigan, hoping against hope that a soft green light would appear to reignite his long-dormant self-confidence and offer a sense of hope for the future.

“McCarthy believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us.”

Friends report that McCarthy, now just a few weeks from graduation, has been wandering to the Lakefill every night, all in a desperate attempt to turn his life around.

Sherman Ave’s Tour Guide App

Northwestern Tour Guide Applications are due tomorrow. Here’s a copy of one Sherman Ave writer’s last-second application.

7 digit student ID number : 696969!

Attach a picture of yourself to this application

1. Why do you want to be a part of the Tour Guide Community?

From an early age, I have had an insatiable desire to walk backwards while talking to high-achieving high school students and their overbearing parents.

The Summer After Graduation: The Five Stages of Real-Life Grief

Porn: No longer acceptable on the same computer you use for work.

College is a wonderful time. In fact, you will never ever have as much fun for the rest of your life. Ever. And the moment that you arrive home after commencement, this realization hits you harder than Anthony Battle hits offensive linemen. But fear not current seniors (and everyone else, because it all ends so quickly!), for I have emerged from the other side of post-college mourning, and am here to share my experiences, so that when the time comes YOU will be prepared!