Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Spring Quarter

(via northwesternu.tumblr.com)

Congratulations! You’ve survived what appeared to be one of the worst quarters in NU’s history. Whether the weather got you down or you simply just screwed up every single one of your classes, it’s time to pretend it never happened and get ready for spring…FINALLY. Yay warm weather! Getting in shape! Boosting your GPA! Haha…not. While spring quarter is definitely better than winter, chances are people have totally over-exaggerated its perks, and you’re probably way more optimistic about it than you should be. But no worries, we at Sherman Ave are here to get your head out of your ass with our guide to spring quarter reality check.

Top Places to Hang Out with Your High School Friends over Winter Break

It’s finally winter break — a chance to relax, finish up the new Netflix series you weren’t supposed to start watching until after finals week, and reunite with old high school friends. You haven’t seen these guys in less than a month, so it’s important that you spend the valuable time you have together doing a variety of fun bonding activities that will give you plenty of time to catch up with one another on the exciting events that surrounded your reading and finals weeks. Here are a few of the places that may help along the bromancing (or homancing).

5 Reasons to Date A Misogynistic Prick

Men sure have it rough. From making more money than women to not having to worry about living things crawling out of them, a man’s life is full of worry. So much so, in fact, that we’re seeing the emergence of a “men’s rights” movement.

This movement has reached its apex with the website bearing the moniker “Return of Kings.” According to their tagline, they are for “masculine men,” which I guess means that people like Jean Claude Van Damme and David Hasselhoff are regular readers of articles like “20 Things Women Do That Should be Shamed, Not Celebrated,” which highlights shameful actions like “single motherhood” and “being a foodie,” or the one that has really wadded some panties on my Facebook timeline, “5 Reasons To Date A Girl With An Eating Disorder.”

How to Avoid the In-Class Creeper

Want to come back to my place and finish our discussion on Freudian Theory?

Recently, I was at a party with my gals dancing the night away, celebrating being done with yet another quarter of my godforsaken Spanish class, when a sweaty guy from my class came up to me and started a conversation. It went as so:

Boy: Ammonia$ta?! [puts an arm around my shoulder and drunkenly leans on me] Totally didn’t recognize you! You’re like, actually attractive!

A$: Uh…thanks?

Boy: Yeah like…how come you don’t come to class looking like this? Totally would have hit on you.

A$: Oh uh… [trying to get out from under his arm without making him fall over] I’m just lazy I guess.”

Boy: [Laughs because he thinks I was joking and walks away]

10 controversial Chicago Teachers Union demands

After running out of sign ideas by day three, most teachers are just going with ‘#GetFuckedRahm’

As the Chicago Teachers Union strike heads into its fourth day, many are wonderingwhat contractual disputes have shut down a public school system that strives to educate nearly 350,000 students. Although the union has won support for representing one of the most dedicated and committed labor forces in the world, several of the Chicago Teachers Union’s contract demands have stirred controversy in the national debate brewing around public education and public-sector unions. Here are the top 10:

10. New evaluation system
By all accounts, the Chicago Public School System’s current evaluation system is more outdated than the GOP platform. The Chicago Teachers Union has called for a modernized system that takes into account more relevant factors to gauge teacher performance, like yearbook signings, average fights broken up, and creepy crushes developed by students.

9. Thurmond-esque job security
In retrospect, naming this demand after 48-year United States Senator and notorious d-bag wasn’t a great PR move. Neither was touting Senator Thurmond as a symbol of the benefits of tenure, or quoting Thurmond by declaring, “All the laws in Chicago and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force merit pay into our schools.” Other proposed alterations to the tenure system include Survivor-like immunity challenges and something ominously referred to as the “philosopher’s stone.”

8. End of daily gym classes
To be fair, Union President Karen Lewis is one of the larger proponents of this contractual demand.

7. Mandatory anti-bullying initiative for Mayor Rahm Emanuel
The social learning initiative seeks to take a multi-pronged interdisciplinary approach to help Mayor Emanuel create a more positive learning and work environment. Through work with peers and one-on-one sessions with social workers, the program will help Rahm realize how his aggressive behavior and forceful coercion of others has become habitual and reliant on an imbalance of power. Topics will include “F**k You: Verbal harassment in the workplace,” “Mean Girls: Or how to work with NOW,” and “The Chief of Police and You: An exploration of social and physical power in modern Chicago.”

6. Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” to play throughout passing periods
This component of the CTU’s contract demands has received widespread support, with the notable exception of 6-8 grade teachers, who object that it’s just a little “too real” sometimes.

What do we want? To piss off Rahm!

5. Can’t we just show them the movie version of The Great Gatsby instead?
“I mean, seriously,” said CTU Vice President Jesse Sharkey, “We’ve got enough on our hands as it is, struggling to educate students while trying to keep the fact that our best solution to end school violence is to make all students wear clear backpacks for Christsakes.” Added Sharkey, “It’s not like there’s anything in the book that the Redford/Farrow 1974 classic misses. And just wait until Baz Luhrmann works his magic on it!”

4. End to the city’s slashing of funding for arts, music, theater, sports, clubs, mathematics, textbooks, pens, and even those tiny fucking desks that are built into the goddamn chair and creak like holy hell every time they’re moved a goddamn inch
The Chicago Teachers Union has made the bold claim that the city’s lack of investment in extracurricular activities, school supplies, or really anything at all within the CPS has hampered teachers’ ability to effectively educate students.

3. For that one stinky kid to just take a shower
“Oh for the love of God,” exclaimed President Lewis, “Does he, like, even know how to shower? Do his parents not smell him in the morning and refuse to drive him to school until he learns how to use soap? Dear lord, just last week I had to work with the stinky kid on a project and I nearly blacked out, the smell was so bad. It smells like a combination of the Chicago River, baloney that’s been sitting out for three weeks, Mike Ditka’s farts, and Satan. Teachers have a hard enough time as it is. Having to breathe through your nose for an entire class period just makes this job that much more difficult.”

2. A first round pick, two third round picks, a point guard, cash considerations, and a player to be named later
Although the teachers union admits that it is in the midst of a rebuilding phase, the teachers are hoping to woo a marquee low-post player like Dwight Howard or Chris Bosh to make a deep run in the race to the top.

1. Some well-deserved and long-overdue recognition for an under-appreciated and excruciatingly difficult job
Oh wait, that’s the NFL Referee Union’s main contractual demand. My bad.

For in-depth analysis of Chicago labor relations and how LOTR compares to WWII, like our facebook page and follow us on twitter and then find a loved one to hold and tell them you love them.

Musings on Satan’s Toilet, A.K.A. the Blomquist Recreational Center

“Life is like a box of chocolates – You never know what you’re gonna get”.
– Forrest Gump

“If exercise is also like a box of chocolates, which in fact it is not, then Blomquist is like that box after it has been picked over by an obsessive chocolate connoisseur, leaving only the ones with the inedible citrus middles.”
–      Gwyneth Effingmouth

You may be thinking, “Thanks for a weird, fucked up metaphor, Gwyneth!” Allow me to explain myself.

A layer of hell reserved for all those who took beer from men without paying for it.

Blomquist Recreational Center, or “Blom” for short, is also referred to as Northwestern’s Estrogym. In theory, Blomquist should fit my profile quite well. It’s the closest gym to the sorority quads and full of cardio equipment, and I am in fact a sorositute interested in the benefits of a good cardio sesh. Furthermore, I live in PARC, or “the armpit of Allison,” a res college located in the Deep South of campus. Yet despite the seemingly perfect match between Blom and I, the facility makes me want to puke my guts out – and not just because of vicarious bulimia induced by my sorori-roundings.

Here’s why: Blomquist basically takes exercise, a healthy and possibly enjoyable lifestyle choice, and sucks all of that good shit away with the force of a mega-vacuum, turning the otherwise-innocuous South Campus “gymnasium” into a sweaty, poorly-lit lower layer of Hell. Hence, I only go there when a) I hate myself, or b) I’d get mugged running outside because it’s late in the PM. Without further ado, let me present a well-researched and highly informed argument for why Blomquist is about as unappetizing as that last fermented Russell Stover bonbon in the box:

The Vending Machine
Out of the five times I’ve tried to buy a Powerade, the vending machine has “vended” it to me exactly once. (It was indeed delicious, one thing that even Blom can’t fuck up, but you can get that shit at the C-store.) And it’s intermittent, which means that the problem has been solved and then respawned. My personal hypothesis is that the vending machine is suicidal and on life support, because who wouldn’t want to off themselves after a lifetime dominated by Blom?

The Lighting
According to an inside informant, the lighting at Blomquist is specifically engineered to induce migraines, seizures, and self-loathing. I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt uglier than the few times I’ve seen myself in the gym’s mirrors, including that awkward phase in 6^th grade when calling me “androgynous” would have been a compliment.

The Bathrooms
I’m sorry (not sorry) but they are SO WEIRDLY DESIGNED. WHAT THE FUCK. There are like five doors you have to open before getting to the main event, and they are all grey and heavy and cold, like dead elephants impeding everyone’s basic excretory needs.

However, my main beef with Blomquist is not with the facilities themselves. I’m a rich-ass college kid with an infinite supply of Cap’n Crunch and free Busch Light everywhere I turn. Some kids have to work for the money to buy that shit, and they sure as hell don’t get free gym memberships. No, what really pisses me off is the content that Blomquist’s managers choose to display on:

5% gradation? Seriously bitch?

The Televisions
The Blomquist televisions, placed directly in front of the cardio equipment like barrels under the chins of St. Bernards, invariably display either really shitty soap operas, reality TV, or the Food Network. The former two offerings are understandable as a means of positive motivation. Television series, even vaguely nineties-esque lower-budget ones (and especially MTV-funded shitshows), tend to hire more attractive people than your average university student or BK security guard. When I see attractive people, I’m motivated to look like them, boosting my potential workout. Those shows usually have a couple of major uggo foil characters as well, which is also physically beneficial – when I see fat or unattractive people I cackle to myself, tightening my abs and boosting endorphins.

However. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK is the Food Network doing on a television in front of a bunch of people trying desperately to burn as many calories in as little time as possible? Why are the television operators trying to induce such masochism into the sweating college kids that spend so much of their precious time in this “gym”? It makes one wonder why, despite the fact that elliptical machines and treadmills are practically modern-age torture devices and studies have shown that fancy desserts may or may not equal .2 orgasms on the pleasure scale, we choose the former for ourselves. I’m reminded of that timeless moment from Dodgeball, when White Goodman preemptively punishes his desire for the doughnut in front of him with electric shocks:

“You want it, don’t you, fat boy?
You want that doughnut.
Go ahead and have a bite.
One little bite won’t hurt you.
[ELECTRIC SHOCK]
Momma.”

In sum, I hate Blomquist and you should too. Don’t settle for Khloe “Kim on anabolic steroids” Kardashian, or Ace of Cakes-induced sadomasochism. Run to the Baha’i temple instead and have yourself a religious catharsis. Then maybe you won’t have to spend your free time reading god-forsaken rants about São Tomé and Príncipe.