Pictured: Schapiro, just trying to manage the University’s goddamn money, okay?
EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.
“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to Continue reading
Dear Northwestern community members:
This (holiday involving drinking and debauchery), as we plan celebrations and other holiday activities, I want to take a moment and share a few (plural nouns). (Same holiday involving drinking and debauchery) often allows us to (verb) with friends and family while also contributing to the Northwestern and Evanston communities through (event you probably haven’t attended). Continue reading
It happens every year. You’ve got an awesome Halloween costume picked out, you’re super excited to impress all your friends, and then suddenly, your newsfeed is shaken by a series of outraged posts about people dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween, and you realize (to your great chagrin) that your costume includes blackface, too. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there! Continue reading
1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.
2. The government was shut down.
3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.
4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.
5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.
Rated R. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It was a dark, eerie, and generally creepy night. A heavy mist hung in the air. Even if every Northwestern student hadn’t already been studying in Main Libs, they would have had a hard time spotting the mysterious hooded figure lurking outside the library doors. That’s how misty it was.
Also, it was Halloween and everything was super scary!!!!!!!!!!!!
“An entire library’s worth of ex-Valedictorian brains,” said the mysterious hooded figure in what he imagined to be the vocal styling of Smerdyakov from Brothers Karamazov, “I finally have everything I need to complete my evil plan – ” he broke into a violent cough fit (most likely a permanent consequence of his dependence on Tic Tacs and other drugs) before finishing, “everything I need to complete my evil planetarium!” He let out a crazy, high-pitched laugh, and immediately regretted it because he was alone and it was awkward.
His name was Dan, by the way.
Shaking it off, Dan turned and fake-confidently strode into the library. After a not-so-discrete 30-second struggle with the WildCard reader, he was in. He walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding the gazes of the 14 or so computer-users whom he’d met at parties but was too socially inept to acknowledge. It’s okay, he told himself, People at Northwestern are used to this kind of thing. Dan sat down at a computer, opened Google Chrome, clicked the address bar, and typed “spells tomake peoele do things for you that they dont watn to do.” He got what he needed, stood up, and walked towards a bench near the middle of the library’s lobby/foyer-thing. He stepped on top of the bench, sizing up the crowd. He cleared his throat.
“STUDENTS OF NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY” he began, in all caps, “IF YOU WILL KINDLY LOWER YOUR VOICES. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.” This was unnecessary because they were all in a Quiet Zone. Now that the room remained at the same level of non-noise, Dan continued speaking in some caps but mostly in the lower case:
“I speak to you on Halloween night, one of the most notoriously social nights of the year, from the library LOL. (Don’t u have friends???!!? LOL.) I could draw this whole spiel out if I wanted to, but basically I’m building an evil planetarium and I need your help and I Googled spells that will make you do it … so yeah. I also have Halloween candy as an incentive for cooperation. My name is Dan. I’m evil, scary, and spooky. It is Halloween. I will now take questions. Questions? Anyone?”
For several moments everyone was quiet, partly because this was a Quiet Zone but mostly because this guy was super scary and it was Halloween. At last, someone mustered the courage to speak:
“How can a planetarium be ev – ”
“Ugghhhhhhhh. Please just shut up. Seriously? You’re seriously asking me how a planetarium – a planetarium – could be evil? Gee, I don’t know! Maybe the constellations won’t have names on them or anything? Because then, you know, you’d need to find them yourself, which would be, like, super hard, and … you know what? Just take my word for it. This planetarium will be evil. Any good questions before I set curses on/withhold candy from you all?”
The library continued to be as quiet as ever. Or at least it was, until a girl named Reese from Dan’s Russian Lit discussion let out an audible “hehe :P”.
“I want to yell a pun about Snickers (as in laughter and candy) and Reese’s (as in the girl’s name and peanut butter cups) but I can’t think of one that sounds good! Stop your giggling, or I will do magic on you to make you fall in love with me. We’ll get all the way to third base. That’s right – we’ll clip each other’s toenails. How does that sound?”
Reese, genuinely scared, stopped talking. This was getting explicit.
“That’s what I thought. Anyone else have anything to say?”
No one said a word. Everything continued to be eerie and R-rated. Also, since this is a Halloween story, zombies, goblins, werewolves, and Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) were there. There were no vampires.
Suddenly:
“Dan.”
Heads turned in the direction of the voice, which was coming from a blonde girl behind the checkout desk. She stood up, brought her hand to her forehead, and pulled off what was apparently a wig to reveal a shiny mane of thick, black hair.
“It’s me – Selena Gomez. A bona fide Witch of Waverly Place. Yes, I’ve been here all along, and I’ve been waiting for a pseudo-dramatic moment like this to reveal myself and save the day.”
No one cared except for Corbin Bleu, who for some reason was also in the library.
“Thank you, Corbin. Dan, listen to me – You don’t need to do this. Although I’ve never met you before, and I know literally nothing about you, I just know you’re better than this. All this scary, Halloween-movie-esque stuff? This is not the Dan I’ve grown to love over the past 16 seconds! Deep down, isn’t all this evil planetarium business really just about a daddy problem?”
“Well,” responded DAN*, “I guess I have had a pretty hard time coping with my dad’s drinking problem. I’ve tried to help him so many times, but it’s no use! He just keeps missing his mouth**. I guess that’s why I’ve been resorting to evil WITCHCRAFT***. That’s clear to me now. And it’s all thanks to you, Selena Gomez!”
Dan then used the Google-spell to get rid of the zombies, goblins, and werewolves. He kept Todd Akin because of the Congressman’s stellar moral track record.
“Now, who’s up for a fun Halloween night??!!!?!?” Dan reached into his backpack (which he had all along even if it was not mentioned before because the author is omniscient and you need to trust him and/or her) and pulled out an organic chemistry book the size of a small home. Predictably, the crowd cheered.
Boy, was that a neat (but scary!) Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~The End~
*DAN: Dude’s Actually Nice
**This joke was not taken from Airplane!
***WITCHCRAFT: Why Is This Cool Human Cursing Regular And Fun Teens/Twenty-somethings?
The leaves are changing, footballs are being thrown, clichés are being written, and a Republican Senate candidate is saying stupid things about rape. All the sure signs of a typical fall are here.
And that means one thing: HALLOWEEN. Yes, the night when it is acceptable to pour all the alcohol on your face while dressed up as a Korean pop star is upon us. But there’s a pretty good chance that for most of your life, you’ve been doing Halloween right. That’s a problem.
You don’t want to do Halloween right. You want to do Halloween heinous. For that reason, we’ve compiled a scientific list of the top six ways to absolutely ruin Halloween. Please use them responsibly to ensure that no one has any fun this All Hallows Eve:
How could this costume NOT be sexy?
thing has been enshrined in American culture. This is the part where you take it considerably too far. Think of the most hein-daddy Middle Eastern or North African dictator, dress like him, then add boobs. BAM. You’ve ruined Halloween for everyone, now we all have to go sit in a corner with a jar of peanut bar and our self-loathing.
Who invited this bitch?
Did you ever see The Day After Tomorrow? Of course you did, it was great. Well that might be about to happen in the most populous part of the greatest nation on Earth. According to scientist-looking people in white lab coats, Hurricane Sandy is the only force more destructive and deadly than Phright Night, and has naturally decided to target the Northeast on Halloween. And while I’ve never been through a violent hurricane that clashes with a ferocious Noreaster to spawn 40 foot hell waves of icy death, my guess is that there is little trick-or-treating done while mankind’s doom bears down on the world.
Personal favorite: Slutty Abe Lincoln
So you need a brilliant costume idea for Halloween this year and you are completely out of ideas? No worries! Here at Sherman Ave, we are more than happy to put our minds and nimble fingers of Eleanor Kinkervoss (our resident Martha Stewart, tbh) to work to create stunning garbs of Samhain delight!
1. The Race Controversy
Simply don a sombrero, blackface, or a kimono and walk around with a peace pipe (of “tobacco” of course) and greeting people with a booming “HOW!” Also constantly be at war with the white person inside of you and try to oppress each part of your costume by yelling slurs at yourself. Points if you can hit more ethnic pejoratives than all of Ryan Murphy’s shows combined.
2. The Keg
Fashion a single-person tent into a poncho type shroud supported by your shoulders and let any girl obviously younger than 21 enter the tent through the flap in the back of the tent. Carry a 30-rack of any cheap beer and give one to any person able to jump over you when you sit down.
3. Sherman Ave (alone or group costume)
Gather as many friends as you can to pregame the festivities with a tons of Keystone Light and cheap vodka while screaming Katy Perry and Adele songs. One or two of you can also mime masturbating to Pippa Middleton’s visage and the others can all blackout in Fran’s.
Alternatively, you could just go as a slutty rabbit or dead football player like every character in every fucking teen movie ever. Have fun!
Awww, costumes used to be so cute...
Halloween at Northwestern is a magical experience, when the female undergrad population is magically transformed from Harvard rejects into sexy cheerleaders, sexy members of the Greek pantheon, sexy animals — even sexy Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth — while the guys are left to dress up as “writers” and try to get sexy Hilary Clinton’s phone number. But considering Northwestern’s proud tradition of outlandishly offensive Halloween costumes, it seemed necessary to take a brief moment to warn the student body of ten potential costumes that might not fit with the spirit of the holiday.*
10. Tim Pawlenty’s Presidential Campaign
The reanimated dead have always held a special place in American culture. That’s why zombies and Barbara Walters are still so popular today. But as cool as a zombie costume can be for Halloween, Tim Pawlenty’s presidential aspirations just aren’t such a good idea to bring back to life in costume form. Besides, nobody would even know your name.
Sir Twattingworth and Ross Packingham on a typical Wednesday night
8. Dan Persa’s Achilles Tendon
Too soon, asshole. That broken tendon was more heartbreaking to the NU student population than the closing of Pomegranate, and more disappointing than watching a Northwestern secondary in pass protection. Somebody’s going to sack you for a loss like Kain Colter facing the blitz.
The good thing about the Qaddafi regime: nobody was bold enough to make the mistake of offering Almond Joys for Halloween
6. Fucksaw
Hilarious as this might still be, nobody wants to party with a dude wearing a dildo on his head. Alternative costume idea: dress as Professor J. Michael Bailey. All this requires is making incendiary comments about the basis of homosexuality, violating numerous ethical standards about psychology research, and showing everybody you meet foot fetish videos.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
4. Chet Haze
This might seem brilliant at first, but upon further examination, dressing up as a talentless self-obsessed douche might not be a great idea. Especially as the odds of both you and Chet wearing the same black dago-t to a party are much higher on Halloween.
3. The 1%
This one just hits a little close to home. Seeing as many Northwestern students actually occupy the 1%, it can be kind of hard to protest inequality at an elite institution. Besides, it’s much easier and enjoyable to occupy The Keg than it is to stand outside of Kellogg in the Chicago fall to protest the future I-bankers of America.
2. Herman Cain
Side-stepping the whole potential “blackface” thing, this costume would probably involve a “9-9-9” Plan (i.e. doing 9 shots, getting 9 orders of chicken fries from BK, and urinating on nine university buildings), wearing a Godfather’s Pizza box instead of pants, and running for positions you are under-qualified for.
Partner costume: Casey Anthony before and after
Columbus valiantly raping native lands so future government employees could get a sweet three day weekend
First celebrated in the superlative state of Colorado in 1906, Columbus Day is the quintessential American holiday. While Christmas has too many European influences to be American, Halloween’s partnership with obesity makes it too specific to the Deep South, and the 4th of July is too close to Canada Day to be truly American, Columbus Day stands for all the true American values: land-snatching, tribe-subjugating, civilization-founding, and boats. It would be preposterous for our nation not to wholly dedicate this day to the recognition of our nation’s pure and righteous heritage. And yet – somehow, Northwestern University neglected to cancel classes today.
How can we honor the man when we can't even blow up an inflatable Charlie Brown to the size of Columbus' ego?
Therefore, the only plausible conclusion left is that Northwestern – and many other institutions that don’t fully recognize this sacred day (*cough* SOUTH DAKOTA *cough*) – fears that a grandiose celebration of Columbus Day might “offend” people like “Native Americans.” My response to this? Don’t let the myth of “political correctness” get in the way of celebrating our nation’s manifest destiny. We can just solve things the easy way: If the “indigenous” peoples are offended by our holidays, just offer them some basic incentives. Perhaps they would go for a summer home in Oklahoma? If that’s not enough, we could throw in paid travel expenses to seal the deal.
The man sure as fuck didn't spark genocide and imperialism for this "no school" shit.
Sherman Ave 
