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Tag Archives: hashtag

Man Waiting by Mailbox for Check from Esurance

3 Feb
check-mailbox

Halloran, conveniently photographed as he was checking his mailbox from the inside of his mailbox.

Northville, MI – Local man Brian Halloran, 34, as of 8:37 AM today, has been anxiously waiting by the mailbox in front of his apartment complex, expecting to receive an immediately-cashable check from insurance company Esurance.

“They said on ad I get money,” Halloran remarked. “I like money.  I want money.  If I wait here, I get money.  Want money now.”

Esurance, a company that sells car insurance, made national waves when they ran an ad immediately following yesterday’s Super Bowl, promising to give away $1.5 million to a random twitter user, provided the user tweeted the hashtag “#EsuranceSave30.”

Halloran was one of the 25 million twitter accounts to do so, each of which tweeted the hashtag an average of two times, making the total number of #EsuranceSave30 tweets total 50,000,000.

“I win money,” he said to himself at 9:29, 10:16, 11:53, 1:44, 3:20, and 5:02 today. “Win money get happy.  Esurance and Jim Halpert give me money.  I like money now.”

Halloran’s odds to win the $1.5 million, which would most likely be less than half that amount when adjusted for taxes, are 0.00000002%.

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Recent Crop of High School Graduates say ‘Ah Fuck It’

23 May
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Eh

WASHINGTON, DC–A recent poll of high school graduates across 400 schools from 48 states shows a near unanimous decision to just say “Ahh fuck it” when asked about any kind of post-high school plans. When probed to see what that meant exactly, a majority of students responded, “I dunno, whatever.”

“I mean, it’s like, what am I even going to do? Work with computers?” exclaimed high school senior Stephanie Kaspersky. “Hashtag no thanks. I’d rather make jewelry.”

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