Why I’m Voting for Obama: Five Haikus

I’d give him the head of state.

I’m no political scientist. I have never peered over the edge of the fiscal cliff; my knowledge of U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan is hazier than the only night I’ve ever been to the Deuce; and I picture the inner workings of the White House as strikingly similar to the Department of Mysteries in Harry Potter.

I am, however, a sucker for cool people doing cool shit. So SUCK IT, political ideologues – this election day, I’m gonna vote for Obama because he is both a PILF and the epitome of badass. Never mind that I believe in his straightforward adherence to old-fashioned democratic ideals – as in, equality in everything from universal health care  and marriage to freedom of choice – or his defense of national parks, or the respect he commands internationally. That shit pales in comparison to his killer dirt-off-your-shoulder. The Obamas, ESPECIALLY Barack, are rad. Just like, super cool. Honestly, even if Obama was all, “Let’s just put Sasha and Malia and the dog in charge while I go surfing in Honolulu and smoke some weed,” I’d vote for him anyway. A cool president is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector.

You know what else is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector? Amateur poetry. And everyone knows that the best form of amateur poetry comes in snack-size haikus – traditional short-form Japanese poems that follow a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern. So without further ado, I present an artistic homage to my favorite prez’ campaign in a manner that’s about as political as a toy poodle.

On Michelle’s super-toned arms
Graceful, burnished, buff
Those arms could lift our nation.
Can I vote for them?

On Barack’s Rad Music Taste
Let’s contrast your tunes
– Kanye, Bruce, Aretha – Mitt’s:
Toby Fucking Keith.

On the fact that he has a puppy named in accordance with said music taste:
You’re the First Dog, the
Second Bo, the third chillest
White House resident.

On Weapons of Choice
In a real battle,
Your horses and bayonets
Would smash Mitt’s Big Bird.

On the book he wrote/dedicated to his daughters WHILE BEING A PRESIDENT
You wrote a FUCKING
KID’S BOOK about national
Heroes. Marriage me, plz.

Now that you’ve learned a little more about America’s favorite chiller firsthand – and gotten a little lesson in poetic brilliance along the way – I challenge you to come up with a haiku of your own about Mr. Barack! Challenge yourself and make it politically relevant. Better yet, make it dope.

Rock out with ur barack out,
Gwyneth

A Thorough and 100% Factually* Accurate Summary of Last Night’s Debate

Toooootally Mitt’s O face.

Obama: “I love you Michelle, here’s to 4 more years uhhh I mean 20!”

Romney: “We need to crack down (say crack again) on cheating China and become energy independent can I have a cookie now”

Obama: “Education is important. The children are our future. I believe in America. 4 more years!”

Lehrer: [looks dead]

Romney: “I’m crushing the middle class I mean you crushed the middle class I mean I have a crush on Mandy Moore wait but I definitely like coal that I know. That’s all I’ve gotten for Christmas the past 10 years I must love it!”

Obama: “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong”

Romney: “My children are liars I don’t trust them just like how I don’t trust black peopl- oh. Barack. Well. This is…”

Obama: “I know Donald Trump doesn’t think he has a small anything” (took us 20 minutes to get to the first dick joke. Notbad.jpg)

Lehrer: “Ok, I-”

Romney: “DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK YET?!”

Lehrer: [heart attack]

Romney: “Now in regards to the federal deficit, I will slash funding everywhere like how I slashed your heart, Jim. PBS? SLASHED. Big Bird? Nice dude, but SLASHED. Prices on couches from Big Bob’s Warehouse? SLASHED wait”

Obama: “This is all the republicans’ fault. We had two wars that were paid for on a credit card but before the civil rights movement black people like myself couldn’t even get a credit card look how far we’ve come OBAMA 2012 HOPE CHANGE AND LUV.”

Lehrer: “Should we talk about medicare because I’m old as shit and will probably die any minute so-”

Romney: “STOP TALKING JIM MITT WANT SPEAK. I don’t want to slash funding for medicare oddly enough, so young people, you will be getting your social security cards in the mail next week along with a year’s supply of Just For Men (offer does not apply to women or their slutty vaginas).”

Obama: “Can I just talk about my dead Grandma for a second here? Not trying to make you cry and have the feels and then vote for me but hey if that works then 4 MORE YEARS can I go home and have sexy times with my wife yet?”

Lehrer: “I think there’s a very clear difference between you two and now everyone know’s I’m racist oh well YOLO” [dies]

Obama: “Insurance companies can jerk us around” (I can’t believe it took us nearly an hour to get to the first masturbation joke! Disappointed in you guys)

Replacement ref moderator: How do u feel about skoolz?

Romney: “I like the way we did it in Massachusetts, where I’m from. We have great schools where I am from. Thus, I am great. How am I not president yet? Oh, also, remember Tip O’Neill? Also from Massachusetts. Game. Set. Match, motherfucker.”

Obama: “I think Mr. Romney’s gonna have a busy first day, fixing our schools, repealing Obamacare, banishing the gays. Good luck buddy okay can I go home now my smile hurts”

Who won? That’s up to you to decide America. Personally, I’m voting Gosling/Gordon-Levitt in 2012.

*Fact checked by the same people who brought you the Magic School Bus, so you know it’s legit

ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates

Sexxi can I?

After months of vetting potential running mates, presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has finally selected Paul Ryanas his partner on the G.O.P. ticket. Here are some of the potential nominees who couldn’t quite make it through the Vice Presidential vetting process.

Tony Horton
Like Paul Ryan, Tony Horton is committed to the P90X home fitness program. Unlike Paul Ryan, Tony Horton probably doesn’t want to eliminate all social programs in America that have been enacted since the Hoover administration. Also, between instructing both Usher and Pam the Blam, Tony Horton has worked with more black people than Paul Ryan has ever met in Janesville, Wisconsin.

A Cardboard Cutout of Ronald Reagan
Although deemed to have more personality and charisma than Vice Presidential contender Tim Pawlenty, the cardboard cutout never made it out of the vetting process due to rumors circulating that the 40th President had once been a Democrat. Instead, the Romney campaign intends to use the cutout as a portable beer pong table to be installed in the back of the bus for the “The Romney Plan for How We’ll Gut the Shit out of the Capital Gains Tax a Stronger Middle Class” tour.

Vet this, bitch.

Jesse Pinkman
Originally vetted as a pugnacious businessman who is willing to take on the establishment and appeal to youths nationwide, Pinkman, like Marco Rubio, was brought down by allegations of his connection to organized crime. Also, Mitt’s waiting to watch Season 5 of Breaking Baduntil it comes out on Netflix, and doesn’t want to accidentally overhear any spoilers.

Benjamin Netanyahu
It would be much easier for Romney to Likud Benjamin Netanyahu’s Knesset (if you know what I mean…)* if the Israeli Prime Minister was just a short walk away from the Oval Office. Seeing as Romney and Netanyahu worked together at the Boston Consulting Group in the 1970s, and the leader evokes more respect from Congress than the President of the United States, Netanyahu’s rejection — Article II of the Constitution notwithstanding — was one of the worst defeats in Israeli politics since the breakup of the Tribes of Israel with the death of King Solomon.

Morty Schapiro
Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann Romney’s horse.

Mitt Romney circa 2004
A moderate Republican willing to compromise with his political opponents in the name of good governance, the Governor of Massachusetts was hampered by his commitment to reform health care and cover virtually all of the uninsured, as well as his willingness to provide basic civil rights to women and homosexuals. The raging gay feminista-socialist Romney, who had the audacity to sign legislation requiring individuals to obtain health insurance, was deemed too radical for a Romney 2012 campaign trying to shore up its conservative image.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Bill Clinton sex.

Supreme Court Power Rankings

Post-season rankings of the Supreme Court after one of the most crucial and contentious terms in the Court’s history.

Have you never seen a pair of amicus briefs before?

1. John Roberts
This man can charm the pants off anybody, anytime, anywhere. With a chin chiseled by angels and piercing blue eyes that are practically begging to undress you, the Chief Justice has us all wondering just what’s underneath that robe. After going rogue to uphold the ACA, it remains unclear if the Chief Justice John “Sexypants” Roberts will go forward tonight with his usual barroom pickup line of “Want to hammer my gavel?” or try out something new, like “Hey there baby. You look uninsured, but boy oh boy do I have an individual mandate for you!”

2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
The Court’s oldest Justice goes hard in the paint. At an age when most other Americans are more concerned with driving 40 mph on the highway and shuttleboard, Ginsburg is holding up the liberal wing of the Court like it’s 1972. Right now, Ginsburg’s only concern is that her bff Kennedy isn’t so angry about today’s 5-4 decision that he calls off their annual end-of-term celebratory body shot of tequila on the Supreme Court steps.

3. Anthony Kennedy
The Court’s 5-time MVP is also it’s biggest tease, flaunting himself to both liberals and conservatives like a sorostitute five shots deep on Birthday Cake Smirnoff on a Thursday night. But just like that one Zeta you were hooking up with for like five minutes before she went to a different frat knows exactly what she wants, so too does Tony Kennedy: Liberty, free speech, Alito to stop referring to him as a “swinger,” and for somebody to please for the love of God explain the Citizens United ruling to him.

No other human on the planet has been described as “acerbic” as much as Scalia.

4. Antonin Scalia
You remember that one smarmy douchebag who was in your AP U.S. History class? Well, if he isn’t Ross Packingham, then chances are he’s just like Antonin Scalia, who also probably hasn’t been laid since Junior Prom. This may or may not be due to the Justice’s penchant for wearing a wig and tri-corner hat, grabbing his musket and quill, and pretending it’s 1787 on the weekends.

5. Sonia Sotomayor
Despite her numerous judicial strengths on the bench, Sotomayor continues to struggle with her biggest weakness: Insisting that she is a member of the Sharks, and refusing to speak to any members of the infamous Jet gang. This obsession reached a tipping point last week, when she nearly knifed Kennedy in a rumble.

6. Stephen Breyer
Still liberal. Still old. Still boring.

7. Samuel Alito
Alito suffered a major setback to his overall standings during Monday’s ruling on Arizona’s immigration law, when the Justice could not get Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” out of his head, and started humming it just as Scalia delivered his dissent. Although his misstep drew sharp glances from his peers, it was a welcome reprieve from Alito’s usual favorite, Chingy’s “Right Thurr.”

Moments before going on a beer run to get more High Life for the Court.

8. Elena Kagan
Kagan’s still an untested rookie, eager to prove herself after being redshirted for much of the term due to her earlier work as Solicitor General. It doesn’t help that she bears the brunt of the Court’s hazing policies, which include having to take a shot every time the Chief Justice says the word “remanded” and carrying Ginsburg’s cancer medication for her.

9. Clarence Thomas
Thomas seems uninterested in doing much to improve his Supreme Court ranking. In fact, he seems uninterested in the Supreme Court in general.

If the Supreme Court was like the BCS…

One is a shadowy coalition of aging individuals who wield tremendous power and influence over an American institution, untethered by the popular will of the people or sheer common sense. The other is the BCS. What if the Supreme Court modeled itself after the Bowl Championship Series?

PLAYOFFS!?!? You’re talking about PLAYOFFS???

Skyrocketing CNN Ratings
People will immediately start paying attention to the bedraggled news network after the Court’s BCSification for the first time since, what, O.J. Simpson took a joyride? CNN will probably kick things off with two hours of live broadcasts from the National Mall for SCOTUS GameDay brought to you by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a legal entertainment show featuring highlights and predictions about the day’s constitutional adjudication from a renowned cast that includes Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Lee Corso, Richard Posner, Paul D. Clement, and token babe with a microphone renowned journalist Erin Andrews. After SCOTUS GameDay comes to a close with Lee Corso wearing a mask of whichever justice he thinks will write the majority opinion, expect CNN to bring its viewers inside the courtroom to see the Supreme Court nine, too tempted by the promise of television revenue to maintain their no-camera policy, decide this nation’s fate in prime time. Tweens’ hearts will throb as the Chief Justice John “The Sledgehammer” Roberts disassembles decades of precedent, and old men will look at Justice Stephen Breyer and reminisce about the good old days, when being a liberal meant something and the best judges in the land served the highest court. Expect downsides to the television exposure as well, including seeing what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg looks like in high definition, a page-shaving controversy regarding the length of judicial opinions, and Justice Clarence Thomas’ endorsement deal with Ambien.

Unnecessary Roughness
Now that America’s refs have entered the big time, they better clean up their game. Look for the Court to ixnay any lingering American laws or policies that constitute cruel or unusual punishment, like the death penalty, immigration law, or the past decade of Adam Sandler movies. Not that anything will keep Scalia from taking as many smug smarmy-ass cheap shots as he can. Or Thomas from getting flagged with illegal contact…

Future Chief Justice Tiffani

Decline of the Ivies
Just as Yale, Princeton, and the rest of the Ivy League slowly lost their competitive monopoly on college football, the Ivy League’s iron-fisted control over the Supreme Court will dissipate as the field broadens to include legal powerhouses like University of Southern California, Louisiana State University, Alabama University, and Texas Christian University — currently unranked in pre-season law school power rankings after having produced a combined 0 Supreme Court justices (can you say sleeper!?). Just as college football benefited from a diverse array of competition that infused the sport with new traditions and rivalry, it probably wouldn’t hurt this country if the nine people sitting in a room making some of our nation’s most important decisions did not all come from academic backgrounds like this.

Arbitrary Rulings
To be fair, the BCS and the Supreme Court really aren’t too far away from one another on this one. When you think about it, rulings on pass interference and maritime law are pretty damn subjective. I still wonder what would have happened in Bush v. Gore if a national champion had been crowned by using an algorithm that weighed two different polls and six computer ranking systems, but I know for a fact that Ralph Nader would definitely be the Boise State in that hypothetical situation.

Free Speech
This Court loves expanding first amendment protections almost as much as Justice Alito loves whipping the other justices with a wet towel in the Supreme Locker Room after a long hard day of hearings (I presume). Excessive Celebration penalties will be the first to go, giving way to the tantalizing possibility of Justice Kagan and Justice Sotomayor performing the chicken dance every time they pull off a victory. Kennedy, meanwhile, will probably be selling off all the naming rights he can to the highest bidders, until TD Ameritrade’s logo is emblazoned on all of the Justice’s robes as they walk into the U.S. Cellular Courthouse.

If the Court is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.

Give the people what they want
After a decade and a half of bitching, the BCS finally figured things out. Their solution isn’t perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. A college playoff is the product of consensus building in order to satisfy the clearly expressed will of the people — fans and authorities coming together with the realization that the current system is broken and needs to be overhauled. Tomorrow, I certainly wouldn’t mind if the Supreme Court acted a bit more like the BCS and came together to uphold a less-than-perfect solution to the more-than-troubling health care dilemma facing this nation, a law that is the democratic product of the express will of the people. Much like a college football playoff system.