Tag Archives: heaven

Roger Ebert Awards Heaven 3 1/2 Stars

4 Apr
Ebert, announcing his upcoming show "Ebert Presents: At the Afterlife"

Ebert, announcing his upcoming show “Ebert Presents: At the Afterlife”

PEARLY GATES — Immediately upon ascending to heaven following his death at the age of 70, esteemed film critic Roger Ebert issued a review of the afterlife, awarding metaphysical transcendence from the earthly realm 3 and a half out of four stars.

Ebert, one of the nation’s most prominent and influential reviewers of film for over 40 years, praised heaven in his nationally syndicated Chicago Sun-Times review as a “divine paradise” that “was of the utmost quality and well-suited for its prospective audience. I would highly recommend spiritual nirvana to any potential heaven-goer considering stopping in for a good time.”

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What You’re Really Doing at College

27 Feb

What students do in between live sex demonstrations or producing Chet Haze’s next record

College: The Pinnacle of Higher Education. Years of hard-work, civic involvement, and awkward loneliness have brought you here. This is the culmination of everything you thought you were working for when you were President of your high school’s National Honor Society, German Club, Breakdancing Club, Future Leaders of America Club, and the “Fuck I Just Want to Get Into a Really Good School Can’t You Fucking Stupid Admission Officers See That Club” (I dedicated most of my time to the F.I.J.W.G.I.R.S.C.Y.F.S.A.O.S.T.C.). And you’ve made it kid – you’re here. However, now that you’ve reached this shining beacon of knowledge, there’s one thing you don’t want to do: work. After a lifetime of pretending to care about learning, you’re just plain out of shits to give. But since you’re here, you may as well do something. Here’s what you probably spend most your time doing at college.

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