A Heinous[1] Proposal: Last-Minute Pitch for Punny Fall TV Shows

Now is the time of year when executives at the major national broadcasting networks begin to decide which TV shows they’re going to give pilots to in the fall lineup, and in four short weeks they will announce to America what lies in store this coming September. While there are some clear front runners, it’s still too early to tell which pilots are flops waiting to happen and which will be the next Grimm: the police procedural/fantasy hybrid based in the world of Grimms’ Fairy Tales that is still keeping viewers spellbound three seasons in. Fridays, 9/8c[2].

This dude is just enthralled with Grimm’s whatever whatever. (via digitaltrends.com)

There are also some concepts floating around out there that are amazingly ridiculous[3], but the proposed concepts are missing one thing. There is a severe lack of series titles built around fantastically groan-inducing puns[4]. That’s why I’ve prepared this list of pun-based TV pilots that I’m trusting one of you RTVF readers to get into the right hands.

ABC: A drama-comedy about

An Ode to the Olympic Sweater

My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
My senses, as though of Coca-Cola I had drunk,
Or inhaled a Big-Mac with four slices of bacon.
One minute passed, and then these words I had thunk:
“Tis not through hatred of the ugly lot,
but being too happy in thy ugliness,-
That thou, star-spangled cardigan of wool,
In some melodious plot
Of patchwork art, and flags numberless (aka 2),
Singest of America the beautiful.

2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names

Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.

I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”

25 Things To Do At Starbucks Besides Ordering Coffee

1. Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.

   

   Fuck with the baristas. Fiona would want it that way.

2. Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.

3. Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank.  Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.

4. Nap.

God is Dead, and so is Nietzsche. Kind of.

If you’ve been to the Google homepage today, you’ve seen the bizarre cubist homage to late philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche–better recognized as the guy who killed God and made that kid in Little Miss Sunshine take a vow of silence. Today would be his 169th birthday had he not gone crazy and died of

9 Excellent Things to Use After You’ve Run out of Chaser

Along with Jameson, gummy vitamins will provide you with enough sustenance to last a fortnight.

If you’ve ever been to a college party, you are probably uncomfortably familiar with the sinking feeling associated with an improper ratio of mixers to alcohol. At Sherman Ave parties, we then resort to chasing with our own heinousness. But that’s pretty advanced and I don’t recommend it. So, instead of you running out to 7-Eleven and endangering the lives of others, allow me to help you help yourself. Let’s get weird.

1. Gummy vitamins

THIS WORKS. These nutrient-rich gelatinous delights immediately cut the burn of cheap vodka. Bonus: if they contain B-vitamins, they may actually help prevent a hangover. PREMED.

99 Things You Could Do Instead of Laundry

Okay but this is a great picture.

1. Eat cheese.

2. Pluck your eyebrows.

3. Get a pet rock.

4. Boil some spaghetti and use it as pet rock hair.

5. Put your spaghetti-wigged pet rock on someone’s porch. Ring the bell and run away.

6. Wait until it’s dark out. Turn on the lights, roll up your shades, and perform for the passersby outside your window.

7. Go to a restaurant by yourself.

8. GET OFF MY LAWN.

9. Clean all of the dirt out from the spaces between the keys on your laptop.

10. Eat cheese.

A Sonnet for the Evanston City Council

Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?

Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:

Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,

And just one bag hath all too light a weight:

Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,

and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;

And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,

With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;

But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,

Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;

With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,

The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.

A late-night mugging I will have in store;

if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.