Rob Ford Knocking Over an Old Woman vs. Rob Ford Walking into Camera: An Analysis

When a mayor admits to crack use and is subsequently stripped of his powers, Sherman Ave admires in sheer awe. That’s why we’ve followed the steady descent of Toronto Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl’s Rob Ford’s political career into profound heinousness with a tip of the hat and a wink of approval. To determine his progress, we’ve compared two of Ford’s physical blunders over the past six months in a competition which will now universally be known as “Rob Ford Encounters People/Things in his Path.” Here are the two contestants:

Sadist Requests The Food Network On Blomquist TVs

Sploosh

EVANSTON–A complete and utter douchebag who derives pleasure from other peoples’ anguish has requested that the hot chick behind the check-in desk at Blomquist Recreation Center turn the Food Network on all three televisions.

The sadist, who requested anonymity, says that observing the yearning expressions on the faces of fellow exercisers is actually more satisfying than watching Emma Watson porn.

“I like to guess which sorostitutes are on diets by measuring the amount of drool they produce during Cupcake Wars,” reported the asshat. “Then I go home, microwave some babies, and insult campus minorities.”

10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave

Everything the sun touches will be yours

10. You want to get involved on campus.
Sherman Ave is a great way to get involved, because… well…
…okay, there’s a reason this is number ten. But it sure is a hell of a lot better way to get involved here at Northwestern than joining a group of peppy undergrads who sing a capella covers of Yellowcard.

9. You aren’t currently a writer on Sherman Ave.
Realistically, you aren’t content with that. Join us, and we will imbue your life with meaning and satisfaction.

Ross Packingham as a child

8. The lifestyle.
Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Except it would be more aptly described as alcohol, alcohol, and Bruce Springsteen. C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. So is some twat named Evander Jones.

7. You love Morty.
We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to write articles about it.

6. Pseudonyms.
Everyone secretly yearns for a secret identity. As a writer on Sherman Ave, you’ll get the chance to not only have a secret identity, but to have a secret identity that offends at least 85% of the global population.

Warning: All new Sherman Ave writers must first pledge their undying love and allegiance to Pippa before they can start writing

5. You’re unnecessarily attracted to Pippa Middleton.
Join the club, champ.

4. It’s free.
We live in a world where nearly everything costs money – barring, of course, happiness. And while money can’t buy happiness, being a writer on Sherman Ave can bring you relative happiness from the heinousness and despair you thrust upon others. And if that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your frigid heart, just think of all the slampieces you’ll bag as a writer for this blog (unless, of course, you first have to explain to her that you are the true identity of somebody named “Sir Edward Twattingworth III”).

3. You went to Lyons Township High School.
We don’t know what it is about that place, but they manage to crank out more atrocious individuals than Octo-Mom would if she were boinking Fred Phelps.

2. You came to our informational meeting.
It was at Burger King at 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. You wore a three-piece suit with a keyboard tie. We were visibly intoxicated. Don’t even try telling us you were just there for the food.

A graphical representation of the Sherman Ave community

1. The people.
Sherman Ave is an excellent group of people, who will do everything from drunkenly showing up to a house party dressed as John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe to beaning you in the cranium with freshly-picked apples. The people who aren’t us want to be us. And the people who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica.

Thank You

Dearest Readers,

Mommy, what's a "drilldo?"

For those of you who weren’t subjected to our excessive Facebook power-tripping, it is our esteemed honor to tell you that August was a record month for Sherman Ave. We had over 15,000 hits, launching us over 30,000 all time. In addition, we had a record day of 2,314 views (although to be fair, most of those were probably bored freshman sitting at home and/or teenagers looking up historically-inspired pornography). Accordingly, we would like to give back to you all with a reward of bonus atrociousness, although this time not directly from ourselves. Below is a list of our personal top five phrases that, when searched, brought someone to Sherman Ave in August.

5. “Rebecca Black tits”

4. “Sexually excited cartoon wolf”

3. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit Porn Videos”

2. “NZ all black having sex with a sheep”

1. www.womangettingfucksawed.com

Yeah. It’s a pretty fucked up world. And apparently we owe Professor Bailey a thank you note.

Love, Peace, and Heinousness,
The Sherman Ave Writers

The Best Things About Northwestern

After reading through the rest of this freshman guide, you may be wondering, “What have I gotten myself into? Isn’t heinousness a bad thing? And how awkward are tits, exactly?” Only experience will answer you, but here are three reasons why you shouldn’t drop out before you get to campus:

Unbridled Nerdiness

Chances are, if you’re going to Northwestern, there is at least a small inner part of you that is a massive dork. And now you can let that part fly free, like a glorious bespectacled eagle. I’m pretty sure it is literally against Northwestern policy to dislike Harry Potter.