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Tag Archives: Hell

8 Adorable Kittens that are Members of the Westboro Baptist Church

14 Sep

So we all know kittens are super, duper cute. Nothing can change that – not even if the kittens in question are hyper-bigoted homophobes. Here are some kittens that will definitely make you say “it’s the 21st century – it’s time to accept America as the great diverse nation it is!”

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4 Places That Are Worse Than Detroit

26 Jul
The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument.  In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument. In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

Unless you owe somebody $18 billion, you have more money than the city of Detroit.

Detroit recently announced that it is declaring Chapter 9 bankruptcy, because, in Detroit, the best and most proven way to solve a problem is to give up.  The tragicomedy of the situation, of course, is that it couldn’t even succeed in declaring itself a failure; in essence, even having no money is too much money for Detroit to be able to handle.  While there are multiple reasons (a shrinking population, too many public sector employees, this guy named Kwame Kilpatrick, etc.) why Detroit is in the situation it’s in now, those are too hard to understand; and if college has taught me anything, it’s that the best way to declare yourself an expert on a subject is to be really loud, vocal, and domineering about that subject while doing as little research as possible, because, as everyone age 16-28 knows, intelligence is directly proportional to the amount of Facebook posts you have about Egypt.

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An Average Day in a Northwestern Student’s Hell

31 Jan
Pictured: Hell

Pictured: Hell

7:00 am: You are woken up by an alarm set to the rousing melody of Chet Haze’s “Hollywood.”  You try to change the alarm tone every morning, but in Hell, it automatically resets.

7:15 am: You walk into your bathroom to shower, only to find someone engaging in self-gratification. THAT MEANS MASTURBATION.

7:30 am: Check your e-mail. You have 94 e-mails.
E-mail 1: A security alert e-mail, informing you that a fellow Northwestern student was robbed at gunpoint yesterday at 11:55am while walking from Harris to Kresge.
E-mail 2:  A notification that your tuition must be paid within the next 48 hours.  In Hell, you receive this e-mail every 48 hours.
E-mail 3:  A listing of all the best paid internships, complete with a ballpark estimate of how many people are more qualified for the internship than you.
E-mails 4 through 94:  All from Mark Witte.

8:00 am:  Organic chemistry lecture.  You get your midterm back today.

9:00 am:  You want breakfast, but you don’t have much time before your 9:30am class, so you are forced to eat breakfast in Hinman dining hall.

9:25 am: Wait for the Frostbite Express. It will not come. It does not exist. Continue reading