Advertisements
Tag Archives: Herbert Hoover

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

2 Jan

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014. Continue reading

Advertisements

5 Reasons Why Today Sucks

18 Jan

I WILL DEEP-FRY YOUR FAMILY, BITCH.

Let me tell you something:  I am all about optimism.  But when the world is a horrible, horrible place in which morals are deteriorating, the environment gets buttsexed harder and harder each day, and Paula Deen has only been assaulted with a ham one time, you have to be reasonable before you’re optimistic.  And to speak from the perspective of reason: Wednesday, January 18, 2012, is going to be the Herbert Hoover of days.  Here’s why.

Reason #5:  It’s a Wednesday

My grandfather used to tell me that the only thing worse than a Wednesday was an overpriced Cambodian prostitute.  I’ve lived by this my whole life, and upon further research, have realized that he was completely right; such tragic historical events as the Great Depression, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust all happened on Wednesdays.  Despite the fact that this current week is only four days (thanks to Martin Luther King Jr., a fierce and relentless advocate of the 4-day week) (….…that’s what he was best known for, right?), I just intuitively know that Wednesday is going to be a massive pelvic thrust into the back of my skull.

This guy would be getting all up in dat ass if it weren't for a severe case of genital hibernation.

Reason #4:  It’s fucking cold

Chicago’s frigid temperatures are like a straight dropkick to the testicles – painful over a long period of time, difficult to recover from, and prone to occur on Valentine’s Day.  There is nothing favorable about the body’s reaction – whether we’re talking about solidified nostrils, hands frozen numb, or testicles that have receded so far into your body that your nether regions are now just a flat wasteland of lonely anguish, there is no good that comes from these subzero temperatures.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the wind will readily rush at you like a recruiter from a new fraternity on campus.

Reason #3:  Wikipedia is blacked out

According to  

I learned the other day that

Studies have shown

I was doing research and apparently

Tits.

If Wikipedia's blackouts are anything like Sherman Ave's, they'll be belting Adele really loudly right now.

Reason #2:  WIKIPEDIA IS BLACKED OUT

OH GOD WHYYYY I CAN’T DO THIS I AM LITERALLY NOTHING WITHOUT WIKIPEDIA I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FRITO’S AND NOW I CAN’T AND OHHH GODDDDDD IT’S STILL WEDNESDAY IS IT DONE BEING WEDNESDAY YET SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME oh what’s that?  Reddit is blacked out too?  Oh, that’s fine.

Reason #1:  Mitt Romney Hasn’t Been Banished From America Yet

I’ve been waiting for a while and it hasn’t happened yet.  It has become quite clear that the man does not possess a single positive quality, but somehow he’s still beating out guys with notable positive qualities (Ron Paul’s adorable voice, Herman Cain’s extensive knowledge of Pokemon quotes, Jon Huntsman appalling ability to be a GOP presidential candidate who isn’t a raging fuckhead).  Surely it can’t be that hard to get rid of this doucheopotamous.  Can’t we just tell him that he won the lottery and gets to go to The Island?