A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes

Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.

3^rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title:

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

The 5 Types of People You’ll See at The One High School Party You Reluctantly Attended Over Break

You’re back in the warm bosom of your childhood home, and, as much as you’d like to curl up in a corner and revert to being the antisocial nerd you were in high school, you need to socialize… at some point. And shower. You really need to shower. Your best friend, being the great guy or gal that they are, isn’t going to let you spend this break hiding out with your cat. So here you are, a reluctant attendee at a party with all of the people from your high school you

Top Places to Hang Out with Your High School Friends over Winter Break

It’s finally winter break — a chance to relax, finish up the new Netflix series you weren’t supposed to start watching until after finals week, and reunite with old high school friends. You haven’t seen these guys in less than a month, so it’s important that you spend the valuable time you have together doing a variety of fun bonding activities that will give you plenty of time to catch up with one another on the exciting events that surrounded your reading and finals weeks. Here are a few of the places that may help along the bromancing (or homancing).

Freshman Guide: Breaking Up with Your High School Significant Other

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The fall semester is coming to a close, Christmas is approaching, and you are turning yourself into one giant sweater. However, with the holiday season comes another important annual occurrence: the end of your high school relationship. Yes, just as Kris Kringle shimmies down your chimney to give you a new iPhone and PS4 (PS4, MOM, NOT PS3. JESUS.), you similarly will wriggle your way out the relationship that was doomed to eventual failure over nine months ago when admission letters came out.

While breaking up is never an easy thing to do, it does not have to be an entirely bad experience. That’s why we here at Sherman Ave have gotten together to bring you the five best tips for breaking up with your significant other:

3 Tips to cope with that Summertime Sadness

Summer is winding down now, and we are all ready to be back at school. For those of us who are just as weird as Lana del Rey and nowhere near as pretty, summertime sadness is some real shit. Everyone seems to fall into a summer category: working a kickass internship at some awesome company; partying like old times with your high school biddies; “studying” abroad or just being a generally wealthy person who gets to “summer” in Athens for funsies; or finally, being forced to remember why you hated your hometown in the first place.

I, unfortunately, fall into the last category. Subheading: bored housewife training.

Graduating High School Senior Writes Hand-Written Love Letter to Crush

Lavecki included, along with the letter, the above photo of the sun rising over Lake Michigan, with the caption “one of us is the sun, one the city.”

GROSSE POINTE, MI – With only a few weeks before he is set to begin a new life at college, recently graduated high school senior Michael Lavecki has decided to “go for broke” with his long time crush Jessica Peterson-Caruso – by writing for her a hand-scribed, deeply confessional letter, detailing the vast array of feelings he has and has had for her for the last four years of his life.

“After this, dude, things are gonna be totally different,” he commented. “After she reads this letter, she’s finally gonna realize that what she’s wanted has been in front of her all along.”

Instagram Enthusiast Shocked To Discover 1977 Also A Year

1977 was weird.

DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.

“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield.  “The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that.  Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”

When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to

Recent Crop of High School Graduates say ‘Ah Fuck It’

Eh

WASHINGTON, DC–A recent poll of high school graduates across 400 schools from 48 states shows a near unanimous decision to just say “Ahh fuck it” when asked about any kind of post-high school plans. When probed to see what that meant exactly, a majority of students responded, “I dunno, whatever.”

“I mean, it’s like, what am I even going to do? Work with computers?” exclaimed high school senior Stephanie Kaspersky. “Hashtag no thanks. I’d rather make jewelry.”