Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: 1835 Hinman

Gentlemen, these will be the most mediocre days of your lives!

I remember with great clarity the moment that I found out I would be spending my first year of college in the venerable dorm of 1835 Hinman.  I remember going downstairs to use my parents’ computer (because this was the year 2010, and computers had just been invented), I remember waiting 45 seconds for the page to load (we had Comcast), and most of all I remember the first exclamation that rushed out of my mouth.

“K.”

Living in 1835 Hinman is never considered with great fondness or unbridled excitment, but rather stiff indifference; if it were a film director, it would be Wes Anderson.  When I am old and decrepit, I will not look back on my months spent in Hinman as the “golden” ones, but rather the “bauxite” ones – still of some value,

Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined

Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

EVANSTON — According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.

One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.

Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”