Sherman Ave Histories: Norris Student Center

Check out our histories of The Lakefill and Harris Hall!

5 Things Sun Tzu Can Teach You About Freshman Year

1. Deception and Supplies

“All warfare is based on deception.” – Sun Tzu, Ancient Chinese General, 502 BC

Hey, quick – do you want to know how much a gallon of milk costs? About $5 dollars. And I’m sorry I told you that, because it’s something you shouldn’t have had to learn yet. The truth is this: 

A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 1

        There is, in a more ancient part of the world, a pit. Where men are thrown to wither and die. It is said, however, that every so often, the pit spits something back.

        The year is 1946, and a young child has just crawled out of the darkness.

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        Evanston, Illinois will never be confused with West Palm Beach. Tiny boutique shops lining crisscrossing one way streets in downtown are interrupted every few blocks by residential high rises and the occasional

In Post-Soviet Russia, Toilet Uses You: Сехтой в России, Part 1

Squatty potties decided the Cold War.

Khrushchev didn’t come to an agreement with Kennedy because he wanted to avoid a nuclear apocalypse; he phoned in the Cuban Missile Crisis in because he really didn’t want to negotiate with JFK while using one of the Politburo’s standing-room-only toilets. Gorbachev didn’t tear down the wall and end the Communist era because Reagan said so; he simply was tired of taking a shit standing up.

NYET.

50 Shades of Red, White and Blue, Chapter 2: The Boston Tea Pahty (By Samuel Adams)

It was the night of the 16th, Decembah of 1773. The tea ship Dahtmouth had arrived in Boston Hahbah, but had yet to unlahd and pay its duties. We was all in one wicked pissah of a mood. It was like da Broons had just lahst the Cup or something.

Hahaha, duty.

So anyways, Guvna Hutchison was a total dick of a chowdahead, and wudn’t let us send the fukin’ ship and tea back to Englahnd, which was total frickin’ gahbidge. So me and about foddy friends of mine from my Hahvid days who called ahselves the Sons of Liberty decide to have us a meeting. And wouldn’t you know it, 7,000 Bahstonians show up wicked pissed about the whole thing. Despite not having one lettah ‘r’ between us, we all come up with a wicked killah wahld class idea.

OkCupid Profile: Thomas Jefferson

Gender: I am male

Orientation: I am straight

Status: I am married, but seeking every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.

Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced 😉

Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia.

Scalia in Dissenting Opinion: “GAAAAYYYYYYY”

Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.

While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”

“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”

Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY!  GAY GAY GAYYYYYY!  SO GAY!”

Added Scalia, “So ghey.”

Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.

“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”

In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.

Instagram Enthusiast Shocked To Discover 1977 Also A Year

1977 was weird.

DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.

“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield.  “The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that.  Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”

When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to

Sherman Ave Histories: Harris Hall

Sherman Ave Histories continue with this gripping tale of the history of Harris Hall. Because those who don’t heinous history are doomed to repeat it.

Ironically enough, Harris Hall hosts real history lessons on campus.

Written by Cobra Lederham and Evander Jones

Created by Cobra Lederham, Evander Jones, and Ross Packingham

Sherman Ave Histories: The Lakefill

The Lakefill is an important part of Northwestern life. That’s why we have decided to bring you the unabridged and completely factually accurate 53-second history of it. Enjoy!

What is this, a fucking pamphlet telling me to go to NU?

Written by Cobra Lederham

Created by Cobra Lederham, Manua Hiki-Hiki