15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

Other Great Stripping Games Invented by British Royalty

What happens in Vegas shames your family name worldwide

Respectable news sources and TMZ were spinning today as pictures surfaced of Prince Harry, third heir to the throne of England and pompous ass-clown, playing “strip billiards” with a bunch of naked girls in Las Vegas.  While the world attempts to recover from the most aggressive display of royal ginger nakedness since Queen Elizabeth I celebrated her victory over the Spanish Armada in 1588, we’d like to take a look back at history and reflect on some of the best stripping games created in the British royal line.

Strip Marriage (invented by Henry VIII)

King Henry VIII’s affinity for whipping it out was so intense that even Showtime’s “The Tudors” doesn’t have the stomach to accurately portray it.  When he was wed to Catherine of Aragon in 1503, he was wearing nothing but a doublet and a codpiece!  However, it wasn’t until his marriage to Jane Seymour in 1536 that he decided to strip during the marriage ceremony itself, and by the time he married Catherine Parr in 1543, he wore four tunics to the wedding so he’d have four tunics to suggestively rip from his corpulent body.

Richard I, shortly after administering a high-velocity cockslap to Saladin.

Strip Crusades (invented by Richard I)

Richard the Lion-Heart (who, as few people know, was also referred to as Richard the Rhinoceros-Shaft) was remembered for his valiant fighting in the Third Crusade.  However, there is an explicably forgotten aspect of his glorious gallivanting – his tendency to charge into battle while ripping off his clothing and armor.  In fact, some historians postulate that the scarring image of Richard’s flopping dong on horseback is largely responsible for the conservative nature of modern-day Islamic garb.

Strip Taxation (invented by George III)

Many look back on America’s independence as an event catalyzed largely by King George III’s merciless tax policies toward the American colonies.  While there is considerable truth to that statement, history seems to have forgotten another central cause: the colonists’ absolute disgust with George’s genitalia.  In 1768, the king commissioned his favorite artist to paint 1,500 portraits of his wrinkly British scrotum and have one placed in the city hall of every American colonial town.  This greatly displeased the colonists, leading them to revolt against the British under the memorable slogan, “No taxation without taking down the dick pics.”

A rare picture of King George VI, showing him fully clothed and not inappropriately touching himself

Strip Stuttering (invented by George VI)

King George VI, made famous recently in the Oscar-winning movie The King’s Speech, is remembered as being the only king with a serious speech impediment – at least since the reign of King Thtephen in the 12^th century.  What Director Tom Hooper omitted, however, was King George’s tendency to rip off his pants and wave his dick around any time he became frustrated with his speech impediment.  As legend has it, he became especially fond of this tactic during World War II, reportedly making a point of cupping his nuts every time he mentioned the word’s “Hitler,” “Nazis,” or “victory.”

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Hitler Reacts to Evanston Revoking the Keg’s Liquor License

The views expressed in this video by Hitler do not accurately reflect the opinions of Sherman Ave and its writers. Still, we’ll miss the Keg.

NOTE: If this video goes viral, we will buy a puppy for every minor who was cited with underage drinking this year.

Produced by Sherman Ave, written by Evander Jones.

Hate a Random Country: Latvia

Predictably, most of these lesbian monkeys will become gym teachers

The most important thing to understand about discrimination is that you can’t spell it without saying “nation.” Conclusion? Unbridled xenophobia. Yes, we must realize the importance of hating other countries. I say this not only from a survivalist standpoint, but also because finding reasons to hate other countries is more fun than a barrel of lesbian monkeys. So, in a new series titled “Hate A Random Country,” I plan to expose just a few of the millions of flaws visible in every country that doesn’t rhyme with “Shmunited States of America.”

Seriously, what is this shit!?

Today’s victim: Latvia. Upon my extensive research of Latvia, I instantly noticed some very easily targetable facts about this piss-poor excuse of a nation (formerly Communist, significant population decline in the last 20 years, etc.), but I decided to dig deeper. The first aspect of this Eastern European cesspool that should be mentioned is the coat of arms. The figure features two indistinct animals (presumably dragons with tragic birth defects) holding a shield and breathing absurdly minuscule amounts of fire. The shield shows a sun (real creative, guys) and then two more dragonesque beasts, one holding a sword and the other pantomiming a pole dance (admittedly, the latter is pretty cool). All of this is happening under three stars (The Really Fucking Small Dipper is very important in Latvian mythology) and over a portion of a Christmas Holiday wreath (because clearly a small plant can support the weight of two gargantuan beasts) and a ribbon with the pattern of the Latvian flag.

Gag me already.

As long as I’m on the topic of Latvia’s flag, I should probably go ahead and talk about how much I detest it. Anybody who knows me well (or has by some triumphant circumstance found themselves in a room with me, alcohol, and Sporcle) knows that I don’t kid around when it comes to flags. Thus, it irks me to no end that Latvia’s flag is clearly modeled after the Austrian flag. I’m sorry, Latvia, but there’s really only so much you can do with three horizontal stripes patterned red-white-red. Furthermore, if you are going to copy a flag, why choose Austria? The only good thing that came out of Austria was indisputably canceled out by the myriad of bad things that came out of it.

The traditional Latvian breakfast

Are you not yet convinced of Latvia’s ethnic LOLability? Latvia’s only distinguishing Olympic successes have been in motocross. If someone was born on the day Latvia became an independent nation, they wouldn’t be old enough to drink. Only if everybody in Latvia had 5 clones would they have enough people to outnumber a nation made solely of the people who watched this video. Latvia’s mama is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres. I could go on forever about all the inherent flaws in the “nation” of Latvia, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Latvia is the Idaho of Europe. I’m just going to leave you with this last thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN8kWlH3G3E&feature=related

Prepare yourselves, bitches

Tune in next time for an emotional smackdown on New Zealand.