12 Reasons Why Going to School Somewhere Cold is Awesome

1. Never having to slather your body in the ectoplasmic goo known as sunscreen

2. When you inevitably put on Freshman 15, no one will notice

This woman actually weighs 190 lbs

Dumbledore Excited for Another Gay Wizard

Jason Collins, showing off his Fidelius Charm.

LIMBO–Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, former headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, expressed his excitement this afternoon that another wizard, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins, had come out as gay.

In a press conference at the mystical limbo-like Kings Cross, the founder of the Order of the Phoenix congratulated the NBA journeyman Collins for becoming the first openly gay athlete in one of the four North American major sports leagues, writing, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but even more to be gay in the NBA. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. Except Dennis Rodman.”

If CAESAR Were Used At Hogwarts…

MONDAY

Harry:  Looks like everything is lined up except for my discussion sections!  I’m really lucky, I got into all the classes I wanted.  And it doesn’t matter who I have for my discussions, so it’s totally whatever.

Ron:  All the classes look pretty good to me, I guess I’m just going to have to single out which ones require the fewest textbooks.  Divination maybe?

Hermione:  I want to take the most interesting and challenging classes possible.  Probably Organic Potions, and maybe Defense Against the Dark Arts: An Econometric Approach.

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to use this absolute shithole of a program.”

Neville:  I’m going to go for easy classes this quarter, because I’m incredibly incompetent.  Is there a wizarding equivalent to SESP?

Seamus:  Being proud of my Irish heritage, I’d like to learn more about the history of my people.  I mean, my last name is Finnegan, for fuck’s sake.

Draco:  I think I’ll go for classes that will benefit me the most in my career.  Serious classes.

Cho:  My parents want me to go pre-med.  I tried explaining to them that I’m a wizard.  I’ll really take anything at this point.  

A Finals Season Guide To The Library

With finals season bearing down upon us, scores of Northwestern students will soon start their tri-annual pilgrimage to the book place for the fun sexi learning times.

Yes, it is time once again to prepare for the library to be full of sexually frustrated sophomores whose only goal in life is to take the study carrel that you’ve been using/peeing on for the last two years. This means a number of things – including that we really do need a “You Pee On It You Claim It” rule – but the most important takeaway is that we could all do with a refresher on what sort of actions are acceptable in each part of the library:

Potter No More

Accio Boner!

“Wingardium Leviosa!” said all of you to your dicks this weekend when you realized Pottermore was open to the public at last. Like your dicks were rising. Like you got a boner. From a website that includes zero naked pictures of Emma Watson. Yeah, I don’t get it either. What could be so great about this magic Internet shit? The books I understand. Nothing brings more joy than experiencing others getting to do things that I will never in my life come close to doing, AMIRITE?! (I’ll flip a coin and get back to you) But, like all of my past sexual relationships, I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about and give it a shot. So I signed up for Pottermore, and fucked around on it for about 10 minutes (which, according to the Wikipedia article on ‘Experts’ I just edited, now qualifies me as an expert on the subject), and this is pretty much what it’s like:

Welcome to Pottermore, bitches! JK Rowling here, you wanna join my epic power-trip? K, first let’s find out if you’re magical. What’s your name and email address? Oh wow, looks like you’re magical! Welcome, minion! Welcome to JK’s army-uh I mean Pottermore!

Let’s assign you a new name then, shall we? Your given name will obviously not suffice here, as there are no boring names like ‘Ron’ or ‘Harry’ or ‘George’ in my magical wizarding kingdom. Forever more, you shall be known as one of the following embarrassing combinations of words and gross diseases I made up:

WartFace26549
PhoenixPiss90
MagicalClit0211
DobbysBallsac3691
EarWaxMakesMeHorny82

Chosen yet? Great, time to get sorted, which is all that you came here for, right? JK (Rowling), you have to murk through 7 chapters first! HAHAHA tricked ya bitches! Here’s a bunch of shit to collect that will probably not mean anything later, but you have to click on every little part of every scene to find them! After that, a bunch of little factoids about minor characters will pop up, which you should all take your sweet time reading, because who doesn’t want to know where Petunia Dursley got her first job?

Alright, you’ve clicked as fast as you could through the first few chapters, tryna get sorted as fast as possible, but now I’m gonna make you do something. Hope you enjoy 2nd grade-level computer games, ‘cause that’s what it’s time for! Here’s some money, and here’s some stores, and here’s where you click ‘buy!’ Omgosh, it’s just like you’re really there, isn’t it? I’m an Internet wizard, nbd.

Welcome to Hufflepuff! Counseling services can be found in the West Tower.

Congratulations! You’ve finally arrived at Hogwarts! Time to get down to business. But first, watch this 20-minute video in which I detail my entire middle school gym class experience and how this parallels the sorting hat and why didn’t my parents love me like a love song BOO-HOO (100% skipped the video, but I feel pretty confidently that it was something along these lines). In order to properly sort you into the clique that you will wear the same colors as for the rest of your life, you’ll need to fill out this short and totally irrelevant quiz. GL, biddies!

1. If you were in a long term, monogamous relationship with a magic carpet, with which other magical object would you cheat on it with?
A. Wand
B. Broomstick
C. Telescope
D. Other Phallic Magical Item

2. Which Katy Perry lyric most strongly identifies your relationship with your pet owl:
A. Now every February, you’ll be my Valentine
B. On my 18th birthday, we got matching tattoos
C. Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison
D. Think we kissed but I forgot

3. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
A. Blondes
B. Brunettes
C. Gingers Weasleys
D. I’m asexual. I prefer magical Internet worlds. But I guess they can be blonde magical internet worlds

The ancient mystical wizards have conferred, and you are a….

First year girl at Beauxbatons!

I deleted my Pottermore account this morning.