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Tag Archives: holidays

Things You Forgot to Do before Coming Home for Winter Break

24 Dec

1.     Block your relatives on social media: The last four posts on your wall are questions about when you get home and feature a lot of xoxo’s. During Christmas dinner you’ll have to answer questions about why you were laying in a street covered in body glitter and were you actually sleeping on that bar or just posing?

2.     Clean up your mouth:  No longer are you only surrounded by people between the ages of 18-23.  Your parents will be shocked when you casually tell your dog you’re going to cunt punt him if he doesn’t stop licking you, and your small cousins will stand wide-eyed as you discuss politics with your uncle referring to foreign leaders as “fucking little pricks” and the republican political agenda as a “steaming pile of honkey shit”.

This is not pajamas.  You cannot wear this.  (via thebeveragestore.com)

This is not pajamas. You cannot wear this. (via thebeveragestore.com)

3.     Bring home pajamas: When traveling back home, it can be hard to find space in your suitcase between your dirty laundry and the left over Skol handle you’re hoping will get you through new years.  Pajamas are usually the first thing you forego, but this is a big mistake.  Upon returning home you will find out your mom has sent your old high school sports sweat pants to Goodwill.  Sleeping naked was an option until you found out all six of your cousins under the age of 12 will be sleeping in your room this holiday season. Looks like jeans it is!

4.     Find a significant other:  We all have those family members who immediately after commenting on how old you look[1] decide that the next step is to bring to the surface your loneliness by asking if your dating.  NO AUNT JEAN I’M SINGLE. OH YOU FOUND YOUR HUSBAND IN COLLEGE? DROP DEAD.  Of course, there is also the question of whether or not you can refer to that kid you make out with every so often who sometimes text you for stats help as your boyfriend/girlfriend to a family member.  I’d say just count it.

5.     Get good grades: You return home excited for a few weeks of Netflix and naps.  What you forgot though was that the first question out of your parents mouth will be about the state of your GPA, and you spent the past quarter being carried home from parties and watching YouTube videos of people saying dumb shit after waking up from surgery.  The only option at this point is to bring attention to how most of your cousins go to state schools, which automatically makes you superior in all ways.  If that doesn’t work just lie.  The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by lying mercilessly out of fear.  No one has to know until you graduate, without honors.


[1] FYI if they are still saying this after you have finished growing it means you look tired as fuck and should probably stop staying up all night taking shots of tequila and playing Mario Party.

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How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

19 Dec

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.  Every last one.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

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How to Build Your Resumé with Awkward Comments from Your Relatives

18 Dec

We’re just a few short weeks away from the beginning of internship application season, or if you’re not in school, “another week of trying to get employed” season. Writing a resumé is a surefire way to decimate your confidence as a hirable individual. Fortunately, you can ride the depressing low of the holidays and insert your relatives’ opinions of you to round out the “special abilities” section of your already tepid resumé.

“Taller”

The most commonly uttered comment by relatives. It’s safe and probably true. Now you can reach things most people can’t, or at least reach things that children can’t, like a Continue reading

A Call for ‘Respectful’ Black Friday Celebrations

27 Nov

Dear fellow Northwestern students,

With Black Friday happening this weekend, we wanted to take this opportunity to reflect on the actual meaning of the occasion, and how that should guide the way we celebrate this Friday. Continue reading

A Gentile’s Guide to Jewish Christmas

27 Nov

What is this “Hanukkah” I keep hearing about?

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Hanukkah (which is Hebrew for ‘Christmas’), is a Jewish holiday which takes place sometime between October and February, celebrating the Jews discovering fire. They were so proud of this discovery that they decided to show off for over a week by lighting candles every night. But once they realized that Christmas was a thing, they knew they had to step up their game because there was no way that candles could compete with flying deer and bringing dirty trees into the living room. They evened the score by adding presents, food, games, and uncomfortable family conversations, essentially making it a drawn out version of Christmas. Continue reading

20 Great Ways to Ruin Thanksgiving for Everyone

27 Nov

Sherman Ave writers are thankful for the bad people in the world who are reading Sherman Ave on Thanksgiving. Here are some things you can do to make us proud. Continue reading

On Groundhog Day

2 Feb

Pictured: The object of Bill Murray’s most carnal desires.

For years, modern society has been in an indisputable state of progress.  We’ve gone to the Moon, we’ve connected the world at the click of a button, and we’ve allowed Rob Thomas to launch a moderately successful solo career in spite of his former affiliation with Matchbox 20.  Looking back at past societies, there are literally hundreds of tangible ways in which we can distinguish ourselves as more advanced.

And yet, one thing stands between us and true modernity.  That one thing is a goddamn groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil.

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A Thanksgiving Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

22 Nov

Well it’s that time of year again. The time where you get to spend time with those members of your extended family who you secretly despise, and slowly commit a food-induced suicide attempt as you eat three times your body weight in stuffing and cranberry sauce. However, just because you find yourself in that sweet, sweet afterglow that only animalistic sex comfort food can bring, does not mean that the other dangers of the world have gone away. I am talking, of course, about the ever-present possibility of a Zombie apocalypse.

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The Seven People You Meet At Thanksgiving

21 Nov

Every Thanksgiving, college students across the nation make the trek home to see their parents, wash their clothes and stuff their facemouths with mashed potatoes that DON’T come from a box. Even at Northwestern, where we get a whole 48 hours off from midterms to give thanks, many students make their way back to their homes for the Halfway To Christmas Feast.

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