Tag Archives: Holy Land

5 Special Editions of Monopoly That Would Never Sell

7 Jan


Crusades! Advance to the nearest Islam-owned property and claim it as your own.

Monopoly: World Religions Edition

Since almost all pieces end up in Jerusalem anyway, the game should work, right?  Wrong.  The first problem with the game is that the Holy Land doesn’t actually have as much real estate as Atlantic City, the basis for the original version of Monopoly.  There’s West Bank, Golan Heights, Gaza Strip…yeah, I think that’s about it.  So the game inevitably results in all the players fighting over a few small chunks of land.  Also, Hasbro showed an astounding lack of foresight by including a small sculpture of Mohammed as a game piece.  But the ultimate downfall of the game is its sheer offensive nature.  There are too many moments in this game that cause inter-player strife.  For example, that awkward moment when the Atheist player buys Mecca…

Anthony Weiner's iPhone - another game piece

Monopoly:  Scandalous! Edition

In this version of the game, players have the opportunity to relive some famous scandals in recent history while simultaneously trying to accumulate enough capital to put Watergate Hotel on a monopoly.  Game pieces include a Silvio Berlusconi, a Minneapolis airport stall, and a hauntingly detailed sculpture of Bill Clinton’s genitalia.  The first Hasbro board game to be rated NC-17, this game somehow fails to appeal to the typical board game demographic – Mormons.  Even with the second edition of the game, which makes a direct appeal to Mormons by adding Newt Gingrich’s numerous divorces to the list of scandals referenced in the game, there still is little to no market for it.  However, rumor has it that a new, more topically relevant version of the game is set for release this spring, focusing exclusively on scandals relating to 2012 Republican presidential candidates.

They replaced Marvin Gardens with THIS?!

Monopoly:  Classic Literature Edition

On paper, the idea here isn’t half bad.  The game could provide younger players with a basic understanding of classic literature while providing older players with an engaging form of mental stimulation.  Each monopoly consists of two or three books by one author, and their respective values correlate to how highly esteemed the author is (ex: Novels by Kate Chopin would replace Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues).  Regrettably, the designer of the game had a pretty skewed perception of “classic literature.”  Instead of featuring authors like Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway, the game features authors like Chelsea Handler and Dan Brown.  Furthermore, the 4 railroads are replaced by the 4 installments of the “Twilight” series.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait till you find out that “Park Place” was replaced by “Tuesdays with Morrie.”


Monopoly:  The Deep South Edition

 The game pieces included in this version of monopoly are quite controversial; among them are Colonel Sanders, Dale Earnhardt Sr., George Wallace, and Nathan Bedford Forrest.  As an effort to slightly veil their excessive racism, they included Martin Luther King Jr. as another game piece, but this sentiment was made obsolete by the rule forcing the MLK piece to serve the jail sentences of the other players.  The game does have its merits, though – if a player can get a series of Motel 8s on the most expensive monopoly (comprised of Baptist Avenue and Krispy Kreme Boulevard), they could potentially make enough money to bribe Cam Newton into their football program.  Yet, the most distinguishing aspect of the game is probably the game-changing nature of the “Chance” cards – nothing can bring down your luck like drawing “BP Spill.  Move back 4 spaces” or “Realize the Civil War did actually end.  Start over.”

Monopoly: A Cultural Revolution!

Maonopoly:  Chinese Edition

It may come as a surprise to find out that, without the basic principles of capitalism, monopoly is not a very enjoyable game.  I can only imagine the frustration one might feel upon landing on Vermont Avenue – or whatever the fuck they call streets in China – and discovering that, along with every other property on the game, it is owned by the government.  Instead of “Community Chest” and “Chance,” players draw cards like “Community Chest” and “Community Chance,” possibly commanding them to take a Great Leap Forward to spaces like “Community Electric Company” or “Community Go.”  Additionally, several other spaces are renamed; for example, “Short Line” is replaced by “Tall-Because-Of-Leg-Extensions Line.”  Beware, though – just because there’s free parking on Tiananmen Square doesn’t necessarily mean the pieces will stop moving.

The Paliban Tours the Holy Land

24 Mar

She's totally sizing up that beard right now.

Oh, Sarah Palin, you’ve done it again. In a regrettably unsurprising turn of events, Sarah Palin has once again found a way to offend Jews everywhere. After landing in Israel yesterday, Palin displayed the lack of common sense that we know and laugh at — or cry over, depending on your point of view.

Clearly worried about not receiving the Jewish vote, Governor Mooselini brilliantly decided to tour the Holy Land while wearing a large Star of David. Sure she’s not Jewish, but darn it she cares! After her stellar politicking, there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that Mama Grizzly’s savvy move has brought the support of Jews across America.

Winning over the Jewish vote, one wink at a time

“Oy, I thought she was just a schmuck before. [I] used to call her ‘Caribou Barbie’.” said Isaac Goldbergstein, a Chicago dentist.

“Always kvetching about Obama that one! Such a goshmeinkt,” added Goldbergstein’s wife Ethel, looking up from her copy of Angry Jewish Grandmother and its featured article, “How to Guilt Your Kids into Taking You to Dinner.”

As a result of Palin’s pandering, hundreds of thousands of elderly Jewish couples like the Goldbergsteins have joined the Grizzly-bandwagon. Among Palin’s many other gestures, she “wanted to touch the clay in the tunnel and then touch the water in the ritual bath,” according to Likud Knesset member Danny Danon, who accompanied Palin on her trip to the Western Wall.

Two of Palin's newly won-over supporters

“That whole ‘blood libel’ thing is in the past!” said Yonatan Faklempt, 19, a student at American Hebrew University. “She just isn’t the Wicked Witch of Wasilla anymore.”

Whatever the case, The Dickless Cheney seems to have turned over a new leaf — at least in the minds of much of the Jewish community. Whether or not it will affect Palin’s run in 2012 however is anyone’s guess. And if the Alaska Disasta’ has taught us anything, it’s that she is a true visionary. If she can see Russia from her house, then who knows how far she can gaze into the future?

Only time will tell.

-Josh Kopel