7 Times Jennifer Lawrence Got Away with a Crime Because She’s So Quirky

1. Stealing from an Orphanage

Stale bread is the main source of nutrition at Saint Bethesda’s Home for Little Girls with No Parents and Many Disabilities. Those parentless, limbless little girls salivated at the thought of a stale French roll. Jennifer Lawrence would not let them have that happiness.

On February 20, 2014, the orphans huddled around the bread truck’s exhaust pipe to stay warm. The delivery man stepped out of the truck and opened the bed for a group of girls crying tears of joy at the thought of a winter donation. None of the orphans expected Jennifer Lawrence to be sitting in an empty truck, gorging herself on the final crumb. J-Law calmed the sobbing orphans by saying, “But, I eat pizza and I’m not all too concerned with my body image! Doopity doopity doo.” The orphans proceeded to laugh as if nothing had happened. J-Law proceeded to spread her wings and fly off into the night, taking an orphan in her claws back to her nest in Los Angeles.

#GetFuckedCal

Don’t ask what the lightsaber’s for.

Dear Cal,

I know we’ve only seen each other once before, but apparently the thorough dicking you received during the Truman administration was so great you couldn’t help but ask us to come back for more.

So here we are, yet again, the Gator Bowl Champion Wildcats visiting Berkeley for the first time since the Soviets went all nuclear and since the sad hippie burnout Golden Bears last retained any sense of national relevance.  And this time, Fitz and his 22nd nationally-ranked crew come bearing a message:

Get fucked Cal.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else

Deering Forum

So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!

Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.

Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.