Sadist Requests The Food Network On Blomquist TVs

Sploosh

EVANSTON–A complete and utter douchebag who derives pleasure from other peoples’ anguish has requested that the hot chick behind the check-in desk at Blomquist Recreation Center turn the Food Network on all three televisions.

The sadist, who requested anonymity, says that observing the yearning expressions on the faces of fellow exercisers is actually more satisfying than watching Emma Watson porn.

“I like to guess which sorostitutes are on diets by measuring the amount of drool they produce during Cupcake Wars,” reported the asshat. “Then I go home, microwave some babies, and insult campus minorities.”

The Evolution of the Group Project

Group projects before college > group projects at college. Here’s why:

You used to be somebody.

Elementary School:

Your 4^th grade teacher just assigned you to make a poster about the rainforest. In a group. Could life get any better than this?! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST PROJECT EVER WE HAVE TO GO BUY RUBBER CEMENT AND GLITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!! You obviously all gathered at the swankiest group member’s house (AKA the one who had the World Wide Web) with the coolest mom who provided the best snacks. Bagel Bites and Dunkaroos were on the menu and Destiny’s Child blasted on the stereo. You laughed, ran with scissors, threw glitter at each other, and spilled Capri Sun on the carpet. Then you got down to business and used the house’s top-of-the-line laser printer to decorate your kickass poster with colorful birds, lush green forests, and crazy looking anteaters. You came away from the day with a ton of new inside jokes like “Team Brainforest!” and “be the Amazon!” that you would shout at each other in the hallways for the next six months…or six years. AND THE YOU MADE A PACT TO BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND IT WAS THE GREATEST AND YOU GOT A THOUSAND GOLD STARS!!!

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burger King

Tendercrisp sammiches never tasted as delicious as they do at 2 o'clock in the morning

Outside of Evanston, most people know Burger King as a run-of-the-mill fast food joint that exclusively employs cracked-out high school dropouts. At Northwestern, however, Burger King (colloquially known as “BK” or “The BK Lounge”) is the place to go if you want ruefully sub-par food (although it may not seem so at the time), the experience of seeing a security guard power-trip more than was previously conceivable, and the guarantee of a drunken encounter with that hot girl from your Global History discussion. Rumored to be the highest grossing Burger King in the United States, this sacred building on Clark Street is familiar to all Northwestern students. To help ease your transition into the student body, here are some insights into this legendary establishment.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Academics

So apparently, Northwestern University is a pretty damn good school. But what should you do after you get in? Here at Sherman Ave, we have been painstakingly researching the answers to all the questions incoming freshman were always too afraid to ask, as well as the questions that we totally wished we had thought of before entering this bastion of academic integrity. Our first topic? How to navigate Northwestern’s sea of academic options to engineer the greatest education possible.