Tag Archives: houmur

If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver: 2013 Edition

4 May
For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.

For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.

Last year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition of If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver:

Revolutionary: This move is typically only intended for couples who have lost some of that spark in the relationship. In practice, “Revolutionary” is essentially the same as missionary position, but throughout the act both parties attempt to convince the other that what they’re doing is especially novel and stimulating. The French variation of “Revolutionary” is almost entirely similar, except in 69 rather than missionary position and with a woman who refuses to shave her armpit hair.

Overanalyze: A thrilling sexual practice usually only attempted by the most experienced and mature couples, the “Overanalyze” entails taking all your clothes off, standing on opposite sides of the room from each other, and asking what the hell you’re doing with them. You were so pretty in high-school. He should be taller. Oh my god, what if this guy poked a hole in the condom and gets you pregnant? Are you ready for that?

Orb: WARNING: Not intended for anal insertion. For external use only. Batteries not included.

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4 Students Hospitalized for Heat Stroke as Temperatures Hit 58°

26 Apr
Lake Michigan was reportedly near a rolling boil.

Lake Michigan was reportedly near a rolling boil.

EVANSTON – Four Northwestern students were sent to North Shore Evanston Hospital earlier this afternoon, suffering from severe heat illness due to temperatures rising dangerously close to 60°F.

The hospitalizations occurred between the hours of 1pm and 3pm, as students found themselves stranded on the lakefill during the day’s peak temperatures.  As of 4pm, all four were stable and mostly recovered.

Weinberg sophomore Eddie French, the first student to be sent to the hospital, recounted the incident. Continue reading