6 Reasons We Need to Stop Hugging Each Other

Man-on-Animal hugging is the only form of hugging that should be encouraged.

For the first 11 years of my life, I believed that hugs were rare expressions of affection to be bestowed with frugality on certain occasions. Birthdays? No probs. Visiting Grandma? I got this. Christmas? No sweat. But come 6th grade, when my previously unaffected and guileless BFFs had completed their transformation into cloying and gossipy tweens, I was frustrated by the sudden expectation that I hug people literally all the time. People who I basically knew nothing about suddenly began to greet me as a long-lost sister and expected me to do the same. Meanwhile, my actual friends — who, I imagine, eagerly awaited my annually-bestowed hugs — gradually upped the hugging until it become nothing more than a conditioned response to a familiar face, a mechanical gesture almost entirely devoid of emotion and affection.

Synopsis of my acquisition of the conditioned hug response:

“Thanks for the awesome hair crimper! You always make me feel so special on my birthday. Since it’s the one day out of the whole the year that is officially dedicated to celebrating me, I would very much appreciate one of your rare and much-coveted hugs. Please and thank you.” HUG.

…

“Hey, you! Sure haven’t seen you in these necka the woods for a while. How ya doin’, pal?” HUG.

…

“Why haven’t I seen you since our spelling test this morning??!!! OMIGODSOOOOOMUCHTOTELLYOU.” HUG.

…

“Wait, look at this pic on Myspace.” HUG.

…

“So, how did th— ” HUG.

…

HUG.

…

HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG.

The madness has got to stop. And here’s why.

1. Hugging. Like… what?
“I am happy to see you. NOW QUICKLY, PRESS YOUR BODY AGAINST MINE.”

This is essentially what a hug translates to. Most people do not seem to think this is weird, even though hugging another person is basically turning yourself into a vertical human mattress. Then you can’t help but wonder how your springiness, firmness, and overall comfort level compare to those of other people. If you ask yourself this question, then you acknowledge that a hug is a fundamentally sensual act. Now a hug seems grossly inappropriate in the context of greeting your uncle, your high school teacher, or that girl you met during March Through the Arch whose name you recall but who is otherwise a foreign entity.

2. We are fueling a world of lies.
Is Glenn Beck really a fun, laid-back type of guy? Is the government hiding aliens from us? Did my friends ever find out that I didn’t actually catch a leprechaun? Is life, in reality, quite different than a box of chocolates? Do my friends secretly despise me, and the only reason I don’t know it is because I am constantly inundated with their duplicitous hugs?

Who knows. Anything could be true in The World of Lies.

3. The expectations are too damn high.
Before I was 12, my hugs were much-sought-after stamps of approval. Receiving one of my hugs was a reward in itself. Nowadays, I’m expected to present people with offerings for merely falling within my field of vision. Next, they’ll want my dog. Or my hummus. We gotta lower these bitches’ standards.

Which reminds me…

Damn socialists.

4. We could be saving dolla dolla bills, y’all.
Trust me on this one — I’m an econ major. If we were to stop hugging each other, the supply of hugs would decrease and the equilibrium value of hugs would rise. It’s that simple! If hugs were worth more, why would we waste our money to show people we care? Take a look at a world where hugs are appreciated, dammit:

“Oh yeah, I did see your bridal registry! Yeah… well you see, the lady who works the register at my Bed Bath and Beyond is suuuuuuuper awkward. Slash I’m pretty sure she is one of those people with weird addictions who eats, like, the foam padding out of bras. So I might not make the trip to get you that set of dinner plates you asked for. But I’d be happy to give you a hug! You’re cool with that, right? Great!!!”

It’s all about the Benjamins, amirite???

5. No more awkward “are we gonna hug” moments.
Whenever I’m not sure if the other person expects a hug, I usually do that thing where I raise my arm in a half-wave, half-potential-one-armed hug, and then leave it to the other person’s interpretation. If they decide to go in for the hug when I’m not ready for it, the hug may produce disastrous results. More often than not, one of my arms is unable to escape. This leaves my bent arm sandwiched between our two bodies, with my fingers unwittingly and creepily stroking the other person’s neck as we pull apart. In general, going in for the hug on such a short notice almost always results in a public display of my lack of doing-normal-people-things skills. On the other hand, if the person opts out of the hug, I’m left with my arm hanging there like a total n00b. It’s lose-lose.

6. No more cooties.

Yep.

Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now

Shurna leading us to hypothetical victory.

While the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee decided that NU didn’t technically “make the Tournament” the year and wasn’t in the “first six teams out” because the team “wasn’t very good” and “lost crucial games,” we at The Ave can’t help but imagine what would have happened if our boys had made the Dance. After careful consideration, it seems obvious that this team, arguably the third best in NU history (!), would be in the Final Four right now. Here’s how it would happen:

Game 1: Northwestern over Brigham Young
For argument’s sake we’ll pretend that the ‘Cats would have been one of the last four teams selected for the tourney, and thus forced to partake in a play-in game to make the field of 64. NU probably would have taken Iona’s place as a 14 seed (Gaels? Or GIRLS, ya dig?!), so we’ll pit Northwestern against BYU in this First Four matchup.

The ‘Cats at first seemed overmatched.  BYU won 26 games this year, features the skills of Brandon Davies, and has four players who averaged 10 or more points. NU would certainly lose this game against a skilled opponent. However, NU has one option at its disposal that the Cougz can’t match: the ability to twist a calendar. Start school on September 28th? Why not! Return from Winter Break the day after New Year’s? Easy! Finish finals in the middle of fucking summer? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. The ‘Cats easily change the tournament schedule to put this game on a Sunday. BYU, for religious reasons, does not play games on Sundays and is forced to forfeit (#MormonProblems). And just like that, NU is in the field of 64 and set for a second round matchup with Marquette!

Game 2: Northwestern over Marquette
Now I know it may seem as if Marquette is more talented than the BYU team that NU slipped by on a technicality. And it’s true! Marquette cruised through the Big East with 14 league wins and has tremendous talent in Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder. But do they call this March Monotony?* March Meh? March Mellow?! MARCH MENOPAUSE?! NO. It’s March Madness and anything can happen!

This is the time when Norfolk State figures out Mizzou doesn’t have a defense. The time when Bryce Drew can slide across the floor without ripping his skin off. The time when the transitive property should probably be considered as a rule of law and since Northwestern beat LSU and LSU beat Marquette then haha we win so go home and cry about it Marquette cause NU is going to the Round of 32 HEHEHEHE!

The Monstars were Carmody's backup choice.

Game 3: Northwestern over Murray State
This may be the ‘Cats biggest hurdle to date. NU has historically struggled against teams that are good at winning basketball games, and Murray State won 31 of them this year. NU falls behind early in this one, largely because Murray State appears to be faster, better coached, and more skilled than the ‘Cats. Northwestern had hoped to save their secret weapon for later in the tourney, but down 48-2 after just a minute and a half of play, they have no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the rebounds before being ejected for “excessive girth.”

The ‘Cats return to their impotent ways without Morty in the lineup, but the clock works in their favor as they hold on to win eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-two to eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-one. And it’s on to the Sweet Sixteen!

Game 4: Northwestern over Florida
Florida, recognizing the danger posed by a hot Northwestern team (and we aren’t just talking about those four foot tall Nick Freundt heads), opts to bring in their own secret weapon: Tim Tebow. However, the plan goes awry with the realization that the two days Tebow has spent in New York since his trade to the Jets has completely corrupted him. Lil Timmy shows up tweaking on meth with a high-class escort on one arm and a hooker on the other**. His stunning turn to a life of sin appears to have zapped all his magic John 3:16 powers and he is completely ineffective.

The ‘Cats are similarly incompetent and the game seems destined for a 0-0 tie, until Tebow is called for a technical after he strips down nekked and runs around screaming and masturbating. John Shurna sinks the two free throws and NU takes the game. In a controversial move, Tebow is then put down by Pat Robertson. #YOLO

It got in the hole!

Game 5: Northwestern over Louisville
As the game nears tipoff, Louisville towers over Northwestern. The ‘Cats shrink in fear, awaiting a fate more painful than an Orgo midterm. Then suddenly, an idea pops into Reggie Hearn’s head; just moments before the game, he grabs a mic out of Erin Andrews’ sultry hands and announces to the world that he’s been carrying on an affair with Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Pitino, already frail from years of similar and incredibly accurate accusations, breaks down crying. He demands his whole team come give him a hug then runs away.

With no coach, Louisville struggles to stand up and breathe. Given literally hundreds of chances at an open layup, Luka Mirkovic sinks one at the buzzer for another 2-0 victory. With his bucket, the ‘Cats are into the Final Four!

I know you may be wondering what would happen to NU in the Final Four, but Sherman Ave deals exclusively with the facts and those games simply have not been played yet in the parallel universe I’ve described. To try to predict them would be absurd to say the least. Let’s try to stay grounded here, k? Great. Now go watch all the porn you can before President Santorum takes it all for himself.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Hat tip to that weird Greg Anthony commercial for something that I don’t remember
**For those of you who don’t follow New York politics: A high-class escort is a prostitute for rich and important people, while a hooker is a prostitute for the rest of us. Since Tebow is apparently rich and important it makes sense he has an escort, but since he isn’t actually much better at football than the rest of us I think he was required by law to get a hooker too. Damn Obamacare.

The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.