2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

5 B-Grade Historical Movies We Can Only Hope Will Be Made

Say "Apartheid" again. SAY "APARTHEID" AGAIN!

5. “A Long Walk to Freedom,” starring Samuel L. Jackson as Nelson Mandela
While Nelson Mandela’s story is known quite well throughout the United States, there are parts of his life that are still shrouded in mystery. This cinematic biography sheds light upon the complete legend of Mandela, from his dabbling in the Jedi arts as a youth (the guy had a lot of fucking midichlorians) to his acting roles in Quentin Tarantino films. During his 27-year prison sentence, he became notorious for being a mediator and peacekeeper; in one memorable instance, he interrupted some good old-fashioned prison shower rape by viciously fending off the perpetrator, asking “Does he look like your bitch?!” The film also delves deep into Mandela’s political activity after his release from prison. In arguably the most poignant scene of the movie, Mandela – in his first speech to the public after his release from prison – proclaims: “I’m tired of this mothafuckin’ Apartheid in my mothafuckin’ country.” Supposedly, Samuel L. Jackson repeatedly tried to add gratuitously violent fight scenes into the film, but was forced to settle for an allotment of twelve “mothafuckas” to add anywhere in the script.

Louis XVI feels the internal repercussions of drinking so much "tiger blood."

4. “Liberty, Fraternity, and Raunchiness,” starring Charlie Sheen as Louis XVI and Sarah Silverman as Marie Antoinette
Adequately described as a combination of Les Miserables, A Tale of Two Cities, and American Pie, this film is the only one to have ever gotten Ebert and Roeper’s worst rating, “Two thumbs up my ass.” As the working class of Paris begins to revolt against the monarchy, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette respond as any concerned leaders would: by making dick jokes. In fact, as indicated in one of the opening scenes, the phrase “Let them eat cake” was actually a reference to a secondary meaning of cake in the aristocracy, which was “Louis XVI’s wrinkled scrotum.” So Marie Antoinette suggested the poor masses address their severe hunger by eating Louis XVI’s wrinkled scrotum. Most critics agree that the most heinous scene of the movie is either the one where Louis XVI uses the guillotine to circumcise his nephew or the one where Louis XVI does lines of coke off of a rotting peasant carcass. Rumor has it that the director of the movie, Judd Apatow, has already started filming a sequel, featuring Jim Gaffigan as Maximilien Robespierre and Rosie O’Donnell as Napoleon Bonaparte.

I came, I saw, I failed to convince anyone that I'm a credible actor

3. “The Roman Empire: Abridged,” starring Keanu Reeves as Julius Caesar
Predictably failing to accurately portray the manifest heinousness of Caesar, Reeves captivates audiences who happen to be blind and deaf. He effectively delivers his lines with the voice inflection of a 14-year-old skateboarding protégée after taking LSD, and that is quite evident in lines like “Whoa – the Rubicon!” and “It’s, like, the Gallic Wars.” Of course, Caesar’s political strategy doesn’t go over especially well with Brutus (played by Vin Diesel), who had just finished snowboarding down the Matterhorn. In an especially uninspired scene, Brutus knifes Caesar, as the latter famously whispers, “Et tu, bald man who looks like a serial rapist?” The Augustan Era is only very quickly reviewed, with a few memorable lines from the famous emperor Augustus, who – in a rather questionable casting choice – was played by Mike Tyson. After the reign of Augustus, the movie quickly becomes depressing, as we see the rule of Tiberius, Caligula, and Nero, all of whom are played by Nicolas Cage.

Cera, shortly after mispronouncing "clitoris"

2. “A History of Impotence,” starring Michael Cera as several historical figures
This cinematic masterpiece takes us back to the beginning of time, telling the story of the development of the human race through various case studies of sexual ineptitude, with every impotent character portrayed by semi-adolescent boyman Michael Cera. The film opens with a depiction of the Cro-Magnon man first exhibiting a distinct lack of sexual prowess, resulting in a series of unsettlingly detailed cave drawings. The movie proceeds to travel through history, beginning with impotent men such as Nebbuchadnezzar (turns out his obscenely lengthy name was merely overcompensation for his obscenely short dingalong) and Emperor Constantine, lovingly referred to by his subjects as “The 3-Minute Wonder.” Moving on to the Renaissance, we gain some insight into Leonardo da Vinci’s personal life; his famous “Mona Lisa” aimed to portray the woman in the most hideous way possible, as revenge for her publicizing his lifelong problem of chronic premature ejaculation. After exposing a few more renowned impotent historical figures in early modern and modern history (think Lewis AND Clark), the movie ends with an earthshaking reveal about Ronald and Nancy Reagan’s honeymoon.

Sadly, Joseph Kony's fashionable sweater was made by - you guessed it - children.

1. “The Axis of Evil,” starring Jackie Chan as Kim Jong-Il and Ryan Gosling as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Based on the best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks, this film depicts the backstory behind the romantic relationship between these two world leaders. The star-crossed dictators first met in the most fateful of ways: rolling on ecstasy at a Skrillex concert. After an ephemeral but sticky affirmation of their love for each other and authoritarian rule, they make a pact to build an “Axis of Evil.” Kim Jong-Il establishes his rule in North Korea through a masterful implementation of his ancient martial arts skills, while Ahmedinejad seduces dozens of Iranian politicians (all of whom are women, of course, because there are definitely no homosexuals in Iran, and lots of women hold political office) in order to work his way up to the presidency. After separately attaining their positions of power, they embark on an astonishingly homoerotic adventure to find a third party to complete their political threesome, encountering prominent figures like Vladimir Putin (played by Tom Felton), Hugo Chavez (played by Antonio Banderas), and Joseph Kony (played by Bill Cosby).

Hate A Random Region: The Caribbean

I know what you’re thinking.  “Aren’t you only supposed to violently scrutinize one country, not an entire region of the globe?”  So before I embark on my xenophobic hate journey, allow me to succinctly answer your question: No.

Now, without further ado, let’s get this slander ball rolling.  In rather uncharacteristic fashion, I have organized this rant into an enumerated series of grievances against that pathetic excuse of a geographic region known as the Caribbean Sea.

The Gulf Coast is also great for tourism, assuming you want to light yourself on fire while scuba diving

Grievance 1: The Gulf of Mexico

Remember that scene in the Lion King in which Mufasa explains to Simba that everything the light touches is his kingdom?*  Well, the same goes for The Gulf of Mexico, it’s just different in that everything it touches is unbelievably heinous.  Allow me to elaborate on this disgusting area that kind of qualifies as the Caribbean Sea.