Tag Archives: humor

50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

10 Mar
  • (via Twitter)

    (via Twitter)

    Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

  • Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

  • Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

  • Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

  • Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

  • Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

  • Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

  • Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

  • Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

  • Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

  • Johnson: For Theater Majors, Continue reading

Student Calls Chicago “Chiberia;” Thinks He Is Clever, Trendy

26 Feb
Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.

“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is.  “When will winter end, right?”

The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter.  The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.

In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly Continue reading

Zero Dark Thirty: A Guide Because You’ve Literally Raised Zero Dollars for DM

25 Feb

You definitely didn’t mean for this to make it to this point. But this is what you get for pretending to be a good person and signing up for Dance Marathon. You “just got really swamped over the past couple of months,” and here you are, staring helplessly at your own, sad fundraising page that no one has visited. But fear not! DM is just like any massive paper you can tackle the night before (I actually have no idea, this is the first time I’ve done this. This is just how I envision my next few days going. Ha!). Here are the steps to follow:

Screen Shot 2014-02-24 at 12.53.49 AM

The first and only dollar raised after six fucking hours of canning. (via http://zonathon.wordpress.com/wildcats/fundraising/)

1) Swallow your pride and post a link to your fundraising page on your Facebook–I know, I know, it’s desperate. But you have to start somewhere. Most people did this in October. Posting it on your Facebook will Continue reading

Huge Stick Found up Student Conduct Officer’s Ass

20 Feb
The stick-in-question.  Not pictured: the ass. (via exo-terra.com)

The stick in question. Not pictured: the ass. (via exo-terra.com)

EVANSTON, Il – A student conduct officer was rushed to the hospital Wednesday evening after a stick was found up his ass, Northwestern University officials say.

This marks the third stick-in-ass report for the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution in the past year alone, an epidemic that has left the department short-staffed.

“It’s definitely a problem,” paramedic Dan Snow, a first responder, said. “It’s almost as if all of these student conduct workers have sticks up their asses.”

Despite the medical urgency of the situation, authorities quickly Continue reading

Northwestern Archaeology Department Discovers Long-Forgotten Sidewalk

19 Feb

12:25 p.m. CST, February 18, 2014

Where does the sidewalk end?!

Where does the sidewalk end?!

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University’s Archaeology department began a new excavation today on campus, unearthing a sidewalk that was previously believed to have been long lost.

Rumors of a sidewalk running from Kresge to Norris had been circulating, but until today, it was thought to be only a myth, much like the Frostbite Express.  Sources involved in the excavation claimed that the discovery was largely in part due to  Continue reading

An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

18 Feb
Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged Continue reading

An Analysis of the Top 10 Booty Call Texts of All Time

17 Feb
"Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah?  Yes please!" (via shutterstock.com)

“Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah? Yes please!” (via shutterstock.com)

Ah, winter in Evanston. I can’t think of a more romantic time and place to be. You probably met a bunch of new people during fall quarter when it was possible to go outside and be social without getting frostbite and dying in a ditch by the side of the road. Odds are, you banged some of those people. That’s pretty rad, dude. Congrats.

But then the frigid death grip of winter tightens its hold around all of our lives, and we’re forced to meet certain base human requirements with people whose numbers are in our phone. Of course, I’m talking about The Booty Call.

So how does one make sure they’re accurately conveying, in piss drunk-text form, the kind of wanton lust that so strikes us in these situations? It can be difficult to navigate, so I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the 10 most classic booty call texts of all time, complete with an analysis of each. Happy hunting. Continue reading

Conquering Eye Contact: A Point System that Dictates What to Do after Locking Eyes with Someone You Know

16 Feb
In case you don't know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

In case you don’t know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

Although it happens every day, it’s profoundly startling to realize that you recognize a person that you may see. And yes, through a puffy Canada Goose jacket, a scarf and a Balaclava, that person is looking right back at you. G-wiz, this is awkward—should you wave? Smile? Frown?

This is a points-based system that determines how to act after making eye contact with someone you recognize—let’s call him or her Person “A”. Add or subtract points as you read each step; then, compare your sum to the rubric at the end to determine your least cringe-worthy next move.

1. You know/don’t know Continue reading

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Virgil-Static-Shock

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss. Continue reading

Study: No One Cares What Your Boyfriend Got You for Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

ANN ARBOR, MI— Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded on Friday morning that no one gives a shit what your boyfriend got you for Valentine’s Day.

Results of the study indicated that 48% of those surveyed didn’t give a shit, 3% had received better gifts from their boyfriends or husbands or generous casual hook ups and didn’t give a shit, and the other 49% were just dudes who didn’t give a shit.

University of Michigan Researchers were prompted to carry out this study after social media caused a dramatic rise in people’s perceptions that their friends, co-workers, and that guy they have a class with so they friended him on Facebook actually give a shit what presents their boyfriend got them for Valentine’s Day.

“It’s official: I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! Best Valentine’s Day Ever.”

This study debunked that myth, proving that a “like” on an online photo has little to no correlation with whether or not the “liker” actually gives a shit.

“We hope the results of this study will be eye opening,” Head Researcher Michael Brown said. “Our goal was to drop the amount of Facebook uploads and Instagrams of flower bouquets and giant teddy bears and expensive fondue dinners by 80%.”

Brown said the next item on the agenda is a comprehensive analysis of whether or not making a PicStitch for your friend’s birthday actually indicates that you are good friends.