We Made These Pledge Mom Week Posters So You Don’t Have To

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

The Movies of 2013 as Told Through Snapchats

2013 was an amazing year for the movies. Jennifer Lawrence was hotter than ever, and America actually went to see movies about race that weren’t The Help. But instead of recapping this year in some dowdy list form, we thought we’d write a retrospective in the only medium you people seem to know how to communicate with these days: Snapchats.

11 reasons to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”

The Hunger Games will likely be one of the movie series that defines this generation. It will be talked about for months and referenced for years. In lieu of this, we here at Sherman Ave feel it is of the utmost importance that everyone goes to see it. If, however, the threat of isolation from all of your closest friends and loved ones isn’t enough to convince you, we have 11 more reasons why you should see Catching Fire:

1. Jennifer Lawrence

An actress reaching the peak of her career and continuously improving her already-impressive craft, Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in Catching Fire has already wowed critics and fans alike, and is something you should not miss – even if you’re not a huge fan of the series.

Album Review: Northwestern Undertones’ “Rock Paper Shotgun”

A cappella is not for everyone.  Some people don’t like the overly-peppy feel.  Some people think a cappella ruins their favorite songs.  Some people simply prefer to keep their “dows” in the stock exchange and their “joos” in the synagogue.  But regardless of whether you love, like, or even appreciate a cappella music, you should seriously listen to “Rock Paper Shotgun,” the 4th studio album from Northwestern University’s Undertones.

The Undertones provide a selection of eleven unique, but cohesive songs.  Each song brings something new, innovative, and orally aurally pleasing, and yet each song maintains a remarkable level of technical skill, musicality, and soul.  Each arrangement was clearly crafted with a wealth of expertise, thought, and vision; each soloist sings with emotion and finesse; each song fits the pieces together perfectly.

The album starts with the smooth, intriguing voice of Eliza Palasz, the soloist on “Plain Gold Ring,” originally performed by the offbeat and weird-as-shit Kimbra.  Her voice is soon complimented a rich alto section and etherial hums in the male sections.  The song, though starting out serene and mysterious, reaches some impressive dynamic peaks, giving way to the soloist’s breathtaking high-range belt, which she casually whips out like Lyndon Johnson at a press conference.  The track comes again to a soft close, ending with a reiteration of a clever recurring tribute to “Settle Down,” another one of Kimbra’s songs.  Overall, this opening track showcases top-notch musicality and attention to detail, as well as an uncanny ability to create an atmosphere for a song that draws the listener in immediately.

Jennifer Lawrence Agrees To Go Topless in Ross Packingham’s Fantasy

Said Packingham, “Oh my God, I swear this has never happened before.”

EVANSTON — Move over, Pippa Middleton! Jennifer Lawrence, shining star of the Hunger Games, has verbally agreed to remove her shirt in Ross Packingham’s wet dream, scheduled for release next Friday night.

“Just the shirt, please dear god,” Lawrence allegedly said. “Anything else and I’d be really really uncomfortable.”

5 Things To Do Before October Ends

October has always been my favorite month of the year.  Maybe it’s the colors changing, maybe it’s the football season – hell, maybe it’s even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor’s pets.  But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities – school, work, animal sacrifice – that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us.  Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.

This should go over real well at temple.

5.  Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service

It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one.  This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume.  For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome “Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh” costume, you might think you’re awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope.  And we’ve ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you’re the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.

4.  Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin

Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced.  There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins – either by ruining other people’s pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins.  Now, some of you may ask, “Does it have to be pornography?” and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue:  Yes, it always has to be pornography.

Alternatively, you could drop acid and DESIGN a corn maze.

3.  Drop acid in a corn maze

We’ve all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson.  Actually, not all of us have seen it.  Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit.  But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary.  And if they’re scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you’ve suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.

2.  Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte

Okay, seriously, this is important.  Starbuck’s is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that.  So here’s what you do.  Walk into a Starbuck’s with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck’s counter – Jewel will do.  Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink.  When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING.  There’s a high probability you’ll suffer second-degree burns, but it’s a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.

1.  Bang Jennifer Lawrence

Admittedly, this doesn’t necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I’m all about setting goals and deadlines.  And since you’re apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.  

OOOOOHHH MMMMYYYYY GGGGGOOOODDDDDDD

Like, seriously, what a piece of ass.  I’d sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means.  I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she’ll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire.  Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot.  And I want to make penis toward her.  

Happy October, everybody!

The Thirst Games: May the Alcohol Be EVER in Your Favor!

There can only be one winner

With the Hunger Games out and about and making waves (Thank GOD it made triple the box office money that any of the Twilight series made), one can assume that we would do only one thing here at Sherman Ave. DRINK TO SUCCESS.

So here’s a handy follow-along reading and drinking guide to the Hunger Games:

Supplies:
2 of any of the cocktails from the most recent Culinary Dorm Corner
Alcohol of any kind. Don’t get something cheap, The Capitol is spoiling us before the Games, right?
Mixers/Chasers – we don’t want you to pull an Amy Winehouse on us.

The Rules
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss thinks about Prim
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss thinks about Gale

• 2 if she’s slobbering on Peeta

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever a plant name is mentioned (unless it refers to a person like Katniss, Prim or Rue, etc)
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss bitches about beautification.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Effie Trinket is a shallow cuntwaffle.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss describes the food she eats.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss shoots an arrow.

• 2 if she misses

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Peeta gets pissy.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss assumes she knows what Haymitch is thinking.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss is present when a tribute dies.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever there’s a description of the citizens of the Capitol.

• 2 if their skin is dyed.

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Haymitch is drinking.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Peeta is a waste of space and is constantly carried by the Careers or Katniss.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter.
2 if it’s at the end of the book.
Drink the cocktail when the Gamemakers change the rules like whiny kids.

HAVE FUN!

An Analysis of Hunger Games Based Entirely On The Movie Poster

I don’t go out much. I spend most of my weekends in my room, listening to a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe,” “Someone Like You,” and Morty’s voice (never has masturbation had such an illustrious, confusing soundtrack). The world outside is a scary place, full of crime, danger, and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, because I seldom venture into that terrifying, Romneyful world, I am always behind on trends – including the epidemic that is The Hunger Games. However, as a political science major, I need to seem like I know about everything all the time, and it is no different with The Hunger Games. I decided the best way to find out as much as I could about The Hunger Games while doing as little as possible (another trait I’ve picked up as a poli-sci major), was to look at the movie posters. Here’s what I learned about The Hunger Games from the official movie posters:

The world will be not only watching, but also paying $12 to see this depraved travesty

Birds Make People Thoughtful
I don’t know why there’s a giant bird on fire. I don’t know why everyone is staring at it. Despite this, I do know one thing: that bird is making everyone contemplative as all hell. Does that bird hold the secrets of the universe? Does it explain the future of our world? Does it explain why every song isn’t Call Me Maybe? I sure hope it does, because those people are probably wasting a lot of time staring at that thing and if it doesn’t tell them why Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t my wife (Carly….CALL ME MAYBE. OR DEFINITELY. NOW), they shouldn’t be staring at it so much.
The Hunger Games Involve Public Sex Demonstrations
So this may be a little far-fetched, but I only had one thought when I saw the poster of the people staring at each other on the televisions: that blonde guy is gonna have so much sex with that girl. They’re gonna sex all over the place. Later though, I noticed that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in the arena and everyone watches on the big screen. That’s what people do in big arenas with everyone watching, right? I haven’t done any research, so this may be an age-inappropriate idea, but if I’ve learned one thing at Northwestern, it’s that when two people meet in front of a large gathering in any venue, they’re going to have sex.

"I'm going to eat the thighs first!"

None of This Movie Involves Food
If these people are going to spend so much time having sex and being thoughtful, they’re clearly not going to be eating. Who wants to watch a bunch of fat people have public sex anyhow? But now I’m confused. Why is it called The Hunger Games if there is no food? Are they hungry for each other? Or worse, are they hungry for each other’s bodies? Oh god, that’s it isn’t it? They eat each other? They eat each other! What the fuck guys?! Why did you all go out and watch a movie where people have sex then engage in cannibalism? What is wrong with you people? This is why I never leave my room. I’m not going to go out into a world full of people that enjoy watching people engage in pure gluttony and hedonism. That’s it. This movie makes me sick.

This asshole bet on himself in the Hunger Games

The People Watching Bet on the Lustful Cannibals
This movie is just disgusting. I don’t make judgments about public sex demonstrations; in fact, sometimes they can be a crucial part of a young student’s learning experience. And combining the public sex with cannibalism is fairly inappropriate. But the people watching are betting on it? I mean, there can’t be any other reason why the odds should be in their favor. How the hell does this even happen?! Do they bet on who eats the others first? Maybe they bet on the sex positions they use. Why would they bet on the sex positions? I would always pick doggy style. I don’t think it would happen anymore than others, I just don’t know any other sex positions. God, what type of world bets on cannibals’ sex lives in their free time? This is what you people do when you’re not watching movies, isn’t it? You all bet on each other’s sex lives and lead lives of pure sin.

I’m going to try to hold back my disgust long enough to summarize this abomination of a creation. So basically, this is The Hunger Games: People have sex, and then those people eat other. The world watches all of the people in The Hunger Games do this, and some people bet on everything that happens. I think I’ve summed it up. Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you all watched this. I’m done with everything forever.