2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

Sex, Weed, and Jesus – Oh My: Your Guide to Spring Quarter 2012 at Northwestern

Dude, do you know how many stations of the cross I had to go through?

Northwestern: Hall of academia, ambition, and — according to a bathroom attendant for the Chicago Cubs — ‘Good weed and pussy.’ Yes, when questioned about what Northwestern excels at, this valiant and questionably sober Cubs employee cited Northwestern as a source of excellent cannabis and lady parts. And though I was originally in disbelief that Northwestern would be known for anything other creating a big build-up and finishing disappointingly in everything (just like my sex life, AMIRIGHT? HIGH-FIVE!), this past week seems to be evidence that Northwestern is a den of poon and pot…and Jesus.

Yeah, Jesus is there too. I mean, you can’t really have two of them without the third being there. It’s in the Bible. Really, you’re going to go read the Bible and check? You could be reading about marijuana and sex, and you’re going to go read the Bible? That’s what I thought. It’s in the Bible then. Markwell even says so. Now that we all have a firm understanding of the Christian holy text, let me review why Northwestern is now everyone’s favorite den of sin and religion.

Sex Week
So I’m going to be really honest here: I don’t know much about sex. I always assumed sex was like Scrabble – something you did alone in your room crying because your prom date Susie dumped you the night before to go with the entire football team who she swore were “just friends” (I STILL LOVE YOU SUSIE!). Thanks to Sex Week though, I have learned sex can be something else: constantly, awkwardly present. Yes, for one week, sex was everywhere. Not in the theoretically awesome way, but realistically weird way, of people having sex everywhere (imagine people having sex everywhere you look. Doesn’t it sound cool in a really crazy way? Now imagine everyone at Northwestern having sex everywhere. Not so awesome.), but in the uncomfortable “everyone who I don’t want to imagine having sex is now talking about themselves having sex” kind of way. However, there is one positive thing to come out of Sex Week: dick pics. I have never heard so many people talk about “dick pics” so frequently, and it has quickly become my favorite topic of conversation. All of this conversation has brought me to one conclusion: everyone loves dick pics. In fact, I have realized that there must be nothing more attractive to women than the male penis on its own. Is that true? I feel like it must be true. So that was Sex Week.

You shall not pass... Until you hit me up with some of that dank shit.

4/20
With the fateful date of April 20th upon us, it’s time for most Northwestern students’ favorite hobby: judging people. For those who do not know the significance of April 20th, it is the day when heathens smoke marijuana, slothfully lie around, and enjoy life…bastards. However, to specify this to Northwestern, April 20th is the day sixty percent of students get high, thirty-nine percent of students don’t get high, and one percent of students freak the fuck out about the sixty percent of students smoking – and for good reason! Marijuana is the most dangerous thing to ever exist ever! Did you know that when people smoke marijuana, they feel lethargic, happy……..and KILL BUNNIES! It’s true! The government told me so. So as you think about whether or not you’re going to light up this April 20th, every hit from the bong you take and every bit of marijuana you inhale will lead to you killing a bunny.

I Agree With Markwell
Let’s be honest here guys: you’re probably bored by now. Nobody here wants to hear about sex and marijuana. Snorefest, right? So let’s get to what everybody wants to hear about: religion. Apparently there’s this guy named Markwell . He likes Jesus or some shit like that. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’m not here to debate religion – since there’s no debate to be had. The only true religion is Glandorism. There is only one simple tenet to Glandorism: God takes many forms, and all of those forms are dragons. Now that we have unanimity in our religious beliefs (you’re not going to disagree with a dragon, are you? Of course not), we can get to the important part of the Markwell campaign: Markwell. I’m not sure where they found this guy, but they probably should have found a more likeable guy. Basically, they should have found a non-engineer. Nothing against engineers, but yeah………..Engineers……No. Just no. That’s actually all I know about Markwell. However, he’s an engineer and people agree with him, so I already don’t like him.

In conclusion, Northwestern Spring Quarter 2012 boils down to three basic things: sex, weed, and Jesus. SO CALL ME MAYBE!

Why Markwell is a Man of Jellyfish

Hopefully you didn't confuse this with the ads for free lube during Sex Week.

April 18th is the day when everyone at NU realized that Markwell wasn’t some lame write-in for ASG AVP or another bizarre position that pretends to campaign but hardly matters because we only really care about the Prez. So what was this Markwell stuff? Why are people who look like the God Squad wearing shirts that make me think of the UF Gators or prisoners on highway detail?

Because apparently everyone is born a fuck up. I’m not even joking. That is (paraphrasing, but not straying at all from) what Markwell put on the site. Now I may not be religious like Chet Haze, and I can tell you that I consider myself at least a slightly religious person, but the idea of religion is like a Jellyfish. It’s nice to look at, nice to talk about even, but let that shit get close to you and you’ll get stung. Now don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of religious people. My own mother has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministries and I am personal friends with (COUNT ‘EM) 3 Bishops. So please, I’ve been pretty up close and personal with some Jellyfish.

My entire issue with Markwell isn’t the fact that he’s evangelizing. Seriously, go ahead if you feel like that’s your jive, but if Cru’s going to brand itself like this, they’re just going to get backlash like what they’ve experienced for the past day and a half. Honestly, Cru has been known to be excessively invasive, bordering at times on incredibly rude. I’d LOVE to see them order something at Burger King. I mean, please, couldn’t you find a better way of describing all of your friends and peers and professors than as jacked-up souls “intentionally rebel[ling] against God”? It’s just too much for me. We need some memes up in this shit for real, yo.

If you bring religion up at Northwestern like Cru did with the Markwell campaign, then prepare to get stung.

Instead of going on to refute Markwell any more than I already have — because others are doing a fine-ass job — I offer a few things we could do better than spend time worrying about this Markwell crap:

1. Vote for Dillo Day T-Shirts!
What other way can you better enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’re going to get more heinous at Mayfest than the Markwell and Kony2012 campaigns put together?! There’s plenty of really good designs, from the nerdy Dillo Venn diagram design to a Tank with a mustachioed Dillo. Do people still write “mustachioed?” It’s a word. I swear.

2. Stalk Project Cookie!
Almost as heinous as the above, but a different flavor. You can stalk down that Cookie Monster-garbed student and snag plenty of delicious cookies to feed your emotional-eating problem. This Markwell stuff is so sad, I may buy them out! Come to my dorm you fools!!!!

3. Entertain a Prospie!
Have a wee little High School Senior come on over to your dorm and unleash the fury of a thousand NU sailing team members. I’ve been to La Casa. Shit is cray, guys. I almost had to drink the beer off the floor when I spilled it. Why not share that experience with a prospie that will either be horrified (the weak ones) or push you down to the dirty concrete themselves as they shotgun a PBR (the mighty, heinous ones).

God said to Abraham, "Go kill me a son. With automatic weaponry."

4. Desperately try to look up Pippa Middleton in her controversial outfit!
Nevermind, Sir T-Worth and the Packhammer are all over that, and judging by the glint in their eyes, I wouldn’t trust your chances of getting near that even if you survived the Hunger Games.

5. Join Pottermore!
Because why the fuck not? It’s worth it for McGonagall’s story and Markwell will probably call you a satanic Wiccan, which will be funny. Funny mostly because who says “Wiccan” anymore?

6. Read a Bible!
Look up all the parts in the King James Version that detail the best ways to pester passerby’s on street corners.