Where you will never, ever reach.
Guysss. Guys. Let’s go do a shot. I love shots! Can you believe it’s only 10 in the morning? We’re such alchies! Wait, no, GUYS. Is that a keg? I’m so good at keg stands, I wanna do a keg stand! Guys, come on hold me up. Ok, how do I do a keg stand? Ew no, I wanna go play pong. Guys, you’re like my best friends. Ugh I love you so much. We’re seriously besties. Let’s get a bestie pic! OMG it’s so blurry let’s take another. Wait no, I wanna go to BK! Let’s go to BK! Are we going? Guys, come on it’s BK!
Wait wait wait has Lana del Rey played yet? We have to get to the lakefill! I don’t wanna miss it. Ok, let’s take like three shots and then go to the lakefill? How do we get to the lakefill? Does SafeRide run on Dillo Day? Ugh, fuck you SafeRide! How am I supposed to get to the lakefill now? Wait, are we taking shots? Don’t take a shot without me! Hold on, I need a chaser? What?! How can there not be a chaser! Fine, I’ll just do a man shot. Enrique, slap me after I take this shot! Ew, what is this? Is this Skol? Whatever. What should we do the shot to? OMG, TO DILLO!!! Ew that’s so fucking gr- OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ENRIQUE. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HIT ME. THAT FUCKING HURT. Oh my god that is not how you do a manshot! Ew, I’m never doing any more shots. Wait, has Lana del Rey played yet? We have to get to the lakefill! You guys, come on!
Peeing and puking at the same time is a real time saver!
You’re like my best friends. I love you all so much, let’s take a pic! I need a new cover pic, ok perfect. OMG we’re such messes. Totally white girl wasted right now. Wait are we going to the lakefill? Where the hell is my wallet?! Not again! Wait, help me find my wallet! Oh wait, I found it, it was in my wallet. I mean my pocket. OMG I’m so drunk! Why is it so hard to walk? Who made it so hard to walk?! Wait, I’m starving can we go BK? I love DILLOOOO! No, you shut the fuck up! I will fucking fight you. Whatever, I wanna go to BK. Wait no, Philly’s Best. We’re so close! Where are we again? Is this Fridge? Wait, where are all my friends? Shit, I just spilled. Fuck. Ok, I’m just gonna go to the lakefill. I love Lana del Rey, she gets all my emotions! Guys wait up! Shit where are my shoes?! How is it only 10:15?! Guys wait up!! Oh there you are, what street are we on? What the fuck is Garnett?! Is the lakefill on Garnett? Did we miss Lana? Can we stop and get food? I want a piggy back ride! Enrique, you owe me one! Ugh, fuck you. Wait I have to pee. Oh my god I have to pee so bad. I’m just gonna go on this tree. This looks like a good peeing tree. Holy fuck that was the best pee of my life. Dammit, I peed all over my leg. Guys, wait up! I’m soo drunk, college amirite? Are we at the lakefill? You guys are my best friends! Enrique, I love you even though you hit me. Cause it’s Dillo! You know what I just realized? Dillo sounds like YOLO! Do you think Drake is gonna be there with Lana? Do I Love Dillo Once, that’s the motto! DILLO!
Shit, that’s a cop. Everyone just calm down. Fuck! Where’s my phone. Should I ask the cop to call my phone? Ok, he’s gone thank god. I’m so drunk right now. Wait why’d we leave Fridge? I wanted more shots! I love shots! Wait this is Sheridan! The lakefill’s on Sheridan! Yesss, I love you guys. You’re my best friends. Except Enrique, he’s like the anti-Dillo. Do you think Enrique heard me? But you didn’t have to buttt me out, make out like it never happened and that you were bluffing! I love Gotye, maybe he’ll be at the lakefill. Wait guys, did I puke? Why is there puke on my tank? Fuck, have I had puke on me in all the photos?! FUCK. I need to change. Enrique, give me your shirt! Fuck you Enrique, you probably puked on me when I was giving you that piggy back ride. Guys, can we stop and get food? Is that pizza? WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PIZZA? Oh my god, IFC I love you. Guys, I’m like gonna binge eat this. This is the best pizza ever. Wait, can we take more shots? I cannottt deal with Lana sober. Oh fuck I’m drunk. Wait this pizza is not staying down! Fuck! Get me a trash can!…. Fuck this, I don’t even want to go to the lakefill. Where can I pass out? Are we near Allison? I’ll just go sleep in someone’s bed. Guys, go without me. Oh my goddd, DILLLOOOOOOO.
*With apologies to an Onion article that I think had a similar concept once but that a quick Google search didn’t turn up so IDGAF.