NU Basketball Big Ten Preview

Now that Northwestern has won the Gator Bowl, pissing all over Mississippi State, improving to 2-0 against the so-called “good” SEC, and ending a bowl drought that spanned approximately 320 times longer than Kim Kardashian’s suddenly relevant-again marriage (CHECK THE MATH, BITCHES), I’m sure you’re all probably thinking, “Man, does it get any better than this?”

Well, as fate would have it, it does! If by better you actually mean worse. Because now it’s time for the start of the Big Ten basketball season. AND WE ALL REMEMBER HOW WELL LAST YEAR WENT.

All of our favorite assholes are back (except that goddamn Meyers Leonard. douche.), from Michigan to Ohio State to Illinois, and the Cats will have to navigate this season without the baby-faced assassin John Shurna. And JerShon Cobb. Oh and Drew Crawford is gone, too. WAIT WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD DO WE INHABIT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

Regardless, it’s time we get ourselves in the mood for basketball by taking a look at the other 11 teams in the Big Ten and analyzing why they’re all fucking pricks.

The Six Athletes NU Students Hate Most

Number 6: Dan Persa’s Achilles

Despite giving us a truly wonderful twitter account to occasionally chuckle at, Dan Persa’s Achilles was public enemy number one for much of last year’s football season. It seemed completely determined to rob a defeated fanbase of happiness/the best player any of us had ever seen, and catching a glimpse of Persa walking around campus in a boot was reason enough to ruin any student’s day before fainting because holy shit you just saw Dan Persa.