Northwestern Chemistry Department to be Kicked Off Campus

Students entering the Hippocratic pledge process.

EVANSTON–Citing the highly publicized recent death of a Northwestern University sophomore’s social life, The Interfraternity Council has announced its intention to open an investigation into homework-related hazing at the hands of Northwestern University Chemistry Professors.

The announcement came as little surprise, as suspicions have long swirled that the Northwestern Chemistry Professors practice severe hazing.  Rumored hazing rituals include depriving students of sleep, trapping students in an enclosed room and forcing them to memorize senseless facts, and even keeping pre-meds in Tech for days at a time.

4 Students Hospitalized for Heat Stroke as Temperatures Hit 58°

Lake Michigan was reportedly near a rolling boil.

EVANSTON – Four Northwestern students were sent to North Shore Evanston Hospital earlier this afternoon, suffering from severe heat illness due to temperatures rising dangerously close to 60°F.

The hospitalizations occurred between the hours of 1pm and 3pm, as students found themselves stranded on the lakefill during the day’s peak temperatures.  As of 4pm, all four were stable and mostly recovered.

Weinberg sophomore Eddie French, the first student to be sent to the hospital, recounted the incident.