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Tag Archives: Internet

Facebook Chat Complements ‘Seen’ Feature With a ‘Seen the Seen’ Feature

22 Apr

In addition to letting the sender see that the receiver has seen their message, Facebook has released a “Seen the Seen” feature to tell the receiver that the sender has seen that they saw it. Or wait, no, the sender sees that the receiver saw that the sender saw…no, the receiver sees that the sender knows—wait, shit. You know how it says “Seen” when the receiver opens the message? Now the person that opens the message will know you saw them open it, and with that knowledge still chose not to respond.

This allows the receiver to truly appreciate that he or she has successfully Continue reading

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How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

9 Mar
(via ibtimes.co.uk)

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably Continue reading

Student Who Spent Friday Night in Library Unaware That “These Are the Days”

24 Feb
The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

EVANSTON, IL – Reports from Mudd Library have confirmed that the engineer hard at work this past Friday night has not yet figured out that his college years will, by default, be remembered as the highlight of his youth.  The student is reportedly oblivious to the fact that in 20 years his middle-aged self will frequently reminisce about his years in college, murmuring to himself, “Those were the days,” while he gazes wistfully out the window of his office building.

The aging senior manager will then resignedly sigh as he rests his head on his hand and recalls how he used to toss the ol’ Frisbee with “the guys” on the quad before a weekend of “hittin’ the sauce”, an activity that made up less than .001% of his college career.

Through continued monitoring of the situation, it was confirmed that Continue reading

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

21 Feb

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863Abraham_Lincoln_seated,_Feb_9,_1864

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title: Continue reading

Luv Conquers @ll: The AIM Parlance between Two Star-Crossed 12-Year-Old Lovebirds

13 Feb

AIM LogoWith Valentine’s Day approaching, instead of posting a “103 Reasons Why Being Single Is Awesome Justifications for Being Single and Hating Yourself” article, we thought we could revisit our flirtatious internet 6th grade selves on Valentine’s Day. What fun. Our archivists here at the Ave had to dig all the way past our now nonexistent dignity to The Awkward Ages, but we found the records. We found them, and after much deliberation we have determined that they must be published completely uncensored for the sake of journalistic integrity. Luckily, we also have documentation of BruneteBarbie14’s reactions to certain messages from s0cc3r_d00d.

s0cc3r_d00d: hey

Oh. My. God. He said hey. He’s so cute when he IMs me hey. What do I say? Be cool, be cool.

BruneteBarbie14: hey

s0cc3r_d00d: wats up Continue reading

The Top Ten Wikipedia Wormholes

3 Feb

When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of learning? Hold on, what? Never? Ok

Let it take control.  You are powerless against it's magnificent aura.

Let it take control. You are powerless against its magnificent aura.

fine, asshole. When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of procrastinating? Yesterday? That’s what I fucking thought, douchenozzle.

But how do you know that you’re getting the most out of your Wikipedia experience? Have you ever thought that maybe the shit you Wikipedia is boring and that, much like everything about your life, you are also boring? Yo quit yelling, it’s chill. We’re here to set things straight. Continue reading

The Hollow Pastiche of Beyoncé’s Genius: A Reviéw

13 Dec

BEYONCE

The songs on Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, BEYONCÉ, are fine. They’re good songs that sound like the music Beyoncé makes, which is what people like to listen to. The music on the album is whatever and absolutely besides the point because OH MY GOD BEY JUST BROUGHT THE INTERNET TO A GRINDING HALT. Beyoncé unexpectedly dropping a 14-song album and the 17 corresponding music videos plus credits exclusively on iTunes—and the ensuing collective Internet swoon—makes Beyoncé pop culture’s truest celebrity and genius. But the mega-stardom and brilliance of Beyoncé and her album succeeds either because of, or in spite of her “visual album” presenting a form of pastiche as devoid of substantive value as Upworthy, and not even half as inspired.

Continue reading

The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

4 Dec

how-to-create-a-list-in-html1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

Continue reading

Rose Returns, D Rises

30 Oct
Rose, addressing concerns regarding his performance anxiety.

Rose, addressing concerns regarding his performance anxiety.

CHICAGO–After nearly 15 months of intense rehabilitation and sitting on the sidelines, Derrick Rose has made his return to the NBA. Despite a lukewarm 4-for-15 12-point performance last night against the defending champion Miami Heat, the Chicago Bull’s most beloved athlete looks better than ever after leading the Bulls to an undefeated 8-0 record in the preseason.

Continue reading

What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

5 Jun
I still haven't learned how to throw these properly.

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Continue reading